White House Parrot

Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful, colorful parrot.

“Does this parrot talk?” she asked.” Yes, he does,” the manager told her. “But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?” she asked.

“Well, ma’am,” the manager told her, “not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent many years in a whorehouse and his language is terrible.”

“Well, I want him,” she said. “Suit yourself,” the manager shrugged.

When she got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the colorful bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, “New house, new madam.” Hillary laughed.

Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. “New house, new whores,” the parrot observed. At first they were offended, but when Hillary explained about the bird’s history, they too, laughed at him.

A few minutes later the President entered the living quarters. The parrot looked up from his feeder and said, “Hi Bill.”

Bears on a Shelf

A guy met a girl at a nightclub, and she invited him back to her place for the night. When they arrived at her house, they went right into her bedroom. The guy saw that the room was filled with stuffed animals. There were hundreds of them all over the place.

Giant stuffed animals were on top of the wardrobe. Large stuffed animals were on the bookshelf and on the window sill, and a lot of small stuffed animals were on the bottom shelf.

Much later, after they had sex, he turned to her and asked, So . . . how was I?

Well, . . . she said, “You can take anything from the bottom shelf.”

The Catholic Service

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:

“Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?”

Father Patrick replied, “I am so very sorry to hear about your dog’s death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there’s a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they’ll do something for the animal.”

Muldoon said, “I’ll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?”

Father Patrick: “Why didn’t you tell me the dog was Catholic?!”

Dead Dog Day

A man runs into the vet’s office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettable, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog’s body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog’s body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too.”

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, “I’m sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too.”

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, “$650.

“$650 to tell me my dog is dead?” exclaimed the man….

“Well,” the vet replies, “I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests.”