Ladies Night

The other day, my friends and I went to a “Ladies Night Club.” One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill.

When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek.

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She calls the guy back over, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the bill.

I’m worried about the way things are going, but fortunately she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks, again.

My relief was short lived. Seeing the way things are going, the guy gyrates over to me! Now everyone’s attention is focused on me and the guy’s egging me on to try to top the $50. My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?

Then the marketer in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his ass, grabbed the 80 bucks, and went home …

Interview Rejection

The next time you (or anyone you know) receives a rejection letter after having interviewed for a job, send the following letter back in reply:

Subject: Human Resources

Dear Hiring Manager,

Thank you for your letter of May 16.

After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your department. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your company’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Interviewee

Differences Between You and Your Boss

**When you take a long time, you’re slow.
When your boss takes a long time, he’s thorough.

**When you don’t do it, you’re lazy.
When your boss doesn’t do it, he’s too busy.

**When you make a mistake, you’re an idiot.
When your boss makes a mistake, he’s only human.

**When doing something without being told, you’re overstepping your authority.
When your boss does the same thing, that’s initiative.

**When you take a stand, you’re being bull-headed.
When your boss does it, he’s being firm.

**When you please your boss, you’re ass kissing.
When your boss pleases his boss, he’s being co-operative.

**When you apply for leave, you must be going for an interview.
When your boss applies for leave, it’s because he’s overworked.

Mergers

Are your investments in order? Below are some of the latest rumors from Wall Street. In the wake of the AOL/Time Warner deal, here are the latest mergers we can expect to see:

Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W.R. Grace Company merge to become Hale Mary Fuller Grace.

Polygram Records, Warner Brothers, and Keebler Crackers merge to become Polly-Warner-Cracker.

3M and Goodyear merge to become MMMGood.

John Deere and Abitibi-Price merge to become Deere Abi.

Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining merge to become Zip Audi Do Da.

Honeywell, Imasco, and Home Oil merge to become Honey I’m Home.

Denison Mines, and Alliance and Metal Mining merge to become Mine All Mine.

Federal Express and UPS merge to become FED UP.

Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge and begin manufacturing reproductive organs.

Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will merge and become Fairwell Honeychild.

3M, J.C. Penney and the Canadian Opera Company will merge and become 3 Penney Opera.

Knott’s Berry Farm & National Organization of Women will merge and become Knott NOW!

Latex Factory

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products.

At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud “hiss-pop” noise. “The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold,” explains the guide. “The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.”

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a “Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop” noise. “Wait a minute!” says the man taking the tour. “I understand what the ‘hiss, hiss,’ is, but what’s that ‘pop’ every so often?”

“Oh, it’s just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine,” says the guide. “It pokes a hole in every fourth condom.”

“Well, that can’t be good for the condoms!”

“Yeah, but it’s great for the baby-bottle nipple business!”

10 Things Not to Say at a Consulting Interview

10. I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of person.

9. Do you pay overtime?

8. I hate flying.

7. I’m useless without ten hours of sleep a night.

6. There are lies, damn lies, and statistics.

5. Do you cover rental cars for collision?

4. Stanford taught me that working in teams is great for slackers.

3. I think three letter acronyms are for people too stupid to remember whole phrases.

2. Two words: family first.

1. Call it what you want, it still means firing people.

Bread or Chicken

The CEO of Tyson Foods manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, “Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Tyson Foods is prepared to donate $100 million dollars to the church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken.'”

The Pope responds, “That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord – it must not be changed.”

“Well,” says the Tyson man, “we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we require is that you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken.’ Again, the Pope replies, “That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed.”

Finally, the Tyson guy says, “Your Holiness, we at Tyson Foods respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500 million dollars – that’s half a billion dollars – to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken.’ Please consider it.” And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. “There is some good news,” he announces, “and some bad news.”

“The good news is that the Church has come into $500 million dollars.”

“And the bad news, your eminence?” asks a Cardinal.

“We’re losing the Wonderbread account.”

Tribal Wisdom

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Threatening the horse with termination.

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

7. Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.

8. Creating a training session to increase the riders load share.

9. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

10. Change the form so that it reads: “This horse is not dead.”

11. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.

13. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horses performance.

15. Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity.

16. Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.

17. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.

18. Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.

19. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses.

20. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Useful Work Phrases

1. Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist.

3. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.

4. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t care.

6. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?

8. I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.

9. I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

11. It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.

12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

13. No, my powers can only be used for good.

14. How about never? Is never good for you?

15. I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

16. You sound reasonable … Time to up my medication.

17. I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.

18. I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message …

19. I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.

20. Who me? I just wander from room to room.

21. My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!

22. It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.

23. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

24. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

25. I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

Office Phrases Explained

It is in process:
So wrapped in red tape that the situation is almost hopeless.

Will advise you in due course:
If we figure it out, we’ll let you know.

We are aware of it:
We had hoped that the fool who started it would have forgotten about it by this time.

It’s under consideration:
Never heard of it.

Under active consideration:
We are looking in the files for it.

We are making a survey:
We need more time to think of an answer.

Let’s get together on this:
I’m assuming you’re as confused as I am.

Please note and initial:
Let’s spread the responsibility for this.

Give us the benefit of your present thinking:
We’ll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn’t interfere with what we have already decided to do.

Give us your interpretation:
Your warped opinion will be pitted against your adversary’s good sense.