For the Teachers

A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do. She thought they may have some problems so wanted them to work on it while still there.

She heard a little girl say very softly “damn!”.

The teacher leaned over and said quietly, “We don’t say that in school.”

The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she said, “Not even when things are all fucked up?!”

Golf Lessons

A man decided to take up golf and went to the local course and asked the pro to show him how to play. The pro told the man to put the ball on the tee and hit it as near to that flag as you can.

The man put the ball on the tee and gave it a whack. It landed about two inches from the hole.

As they walked up to the green the Pro said, “Now all you have to do is tap the ball into the hole.”

The man said, “Why didn’t you say that when we were on the tee.”

LOFT

One day the golf pro at the club was playing golf with three members and on the first tee the first member hits a big hook into the woods on the left and turns and asks the pro, “What causes that, Pro?” And the pro replys, “LOFT.”

The next member gets up and hits a big slice into the water on the right and turns and asks the pro, “What causes that, Pro?” And the pro replys, “LOFT.”

The last member gets up and hits a worm burner down the middle and turns and ask the pro, “What causes that, Pro?” And the pro replys, “LOFT.”

The member gets irate and says, “Look pro, Bob hits a hook and you say LOFT, Bill hits a slice and you say LOFT, and I dripple it down the middle and you say LOFT. What is this LOFT?”

The pro says “LOFT, you know, Lack Of Frigging Talent.”

Little Johnnie in Grade Three

It was the first day of Grade Three in a new town for little Johnnie.

As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50.

Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn’t get past 20. Johnnie, however, did extremely well he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done.

His Dad nodded and told him, “That’s because you are from Arkansas, son.”

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It’s Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but little Johnnie rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end.

That evening, Johnnie once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, “That’s because you are from Arkansas, son.”

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers.

Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly “well-endowed.” This confused him. That night he told his dad, “Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I’m from Arkansas?” he asked.

“No, son,” explained his Dad, “That’s because you’re 18.”

Sex Education

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny’s propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.

One little boy raises his hand, “I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.” “Very good, William,” said the teacher.

“My mommy had a baby,” said little Esther. “Oh, that’s nice,” replied the teacher.

Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. “I was watchin’ TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns.”

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, “And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?”

“It’ll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger.”

I have to Urinate

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!”

The teacher replied, “Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’ Please use the word ‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.”

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, “You’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a ten!!!”

School Grades

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an “F” in arithmetic.

“Why?” asks the father. “The teacher asked ‘How much is 2×3?’ I said ‘6.’”

“But that’s right!”

“Then she asked me ‘How much is 3×2?'”

“What’s the fucking difference?” asked the father.

“That’s what I said!”

English Lessons

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”

Little Johnny waves his hand, “Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!”

Miss Rogers: “All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?”

Little Johnny says, “Mas-tur-bate.”

Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful.”

Little Johnny says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob.”

Hickbonics

The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollars pipelined through Washington by designating Southern slang, or “Hickbonics,” as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickbonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI – (noun) – Greeting.

HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: Heidi, Hire yew?”

BARD – (verb) – Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

JAWJUH – (noun) – The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.”

BAMMER – (noun) – The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: “A tornader jes went through Bammer an’ left $20,000,000 in improvements.”

MUNTS – (noun) – A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts.”

THANK – (verb) – Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

BARE – (noun) – An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

IGNERT – (adjective) – Not smart. See “Arkansas native.”
Usage: “Them bammer boys sure are ignert!”

RANCH – (noun) – A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts.
Usage: “I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL – (noun) – A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

FAR – (noun) – A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that thing’s gonna catch far.”

TAR – (noun) – A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”

TIRE – (noun) – A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”

RETARD – (verb) – To stop working.
Usage: “My grampaw retard at age 65.”

FAT – (noun), (verb) – a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: “You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh.”

RATS – (noun) – Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”

FARN – (adjective) – Not domestic.
Usage: “I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some farn country.”

DID – (adjective) – Not alive.
Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”

EAR – (noun) – A colourless, odourless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: “He cain’t breathe … give ‘im some ear!”

BOB WAR – (noun) – A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JEW HERE – (noun) and (verb) contraction.
Usage: “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?”

HAZE – a contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah … haze ignert. He ain’t thanked but a minnit’n ‘is laf.”

SEED – (verb) – past tense of “to see”.
VIEW – contraction: (verb) and pronoun.
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City … view?”

GUBMINT – (noun) – A bureau.
Usage: “Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.

Children’s Proverbs

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each kid in the class the first half of the proverb, and asked them to come up with the rest. Here is what the kids came up with:

Better to be safe than … punch a 5th grader.

Strike while the … bug is close.

It’s always darkest before … daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of … termites.

You can lead a horse to water but … how?

Don’t bite the hand that … looks dirty.

No news is … impossible.

A miss is as good as a … Mr.

You can’t teach an old dog … math.

If you lie down with dogs, you … will stink in the morning.

Love all, trust … me.

The pen is mightier than … the pigs.

An idle mind is … the best way to relax.

Where there is smoke, there’s … pollution.

Happy is the bride who … gets all the presents.

A penny saved is … not much.

Two is company, three’s … The Musketeers.

None are so blind as … Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not … spanked or grounded.

If at first you don’t succeed … get new batteries.

You get out of something what you …see pictured on the box.

When the blind lead the blind … get out of the way.

There is no fool like … Aunt Edie.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. Cry and … you have to blow your nose.