Kids View of Marriage and Relationships

HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
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“You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.”
Alan, age 10

“No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.”
Kirsten, age 10

WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
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“Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.”
Camille, age 10

“No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.”
Freddie, age 6

HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
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“Married people usually look happy to talk to other people.”
Eddie, 6

“You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.”
Derrick, age 8

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
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“Both don’t want no more kids.”
Lori, age 8

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
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“Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
Lynnette, age 8.

“On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.”
Martin, age 10

WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
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“I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.”
Craig, age 9

WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
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“When they’re rich.”
Pam, age 7

“The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.”
Curt, age 7

“The rule goes like this: if you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do.”
Howard, age 8

IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
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“It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.”
Anita, 9

“Single is better, for the simple reason that I wouldn’t want to change no diapers. Of course, if I did get married, I’d just phone my mother and have her come over for some coffee and diaper-changing.”
Kirsten, age 10

HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
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“There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?”
Kelvin, age 8

“You can be sure of one thing – the boys would come chasing after us just the same as they do now.”
Roberta, age 7

HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
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“Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.”
Ricky, age 10

Flash Cards

A fifth grade teacher is told she must teach sex education to her class. She decides to use a math technique to teach the subject, and thinks flash cards will work well.

The next day in class, she holds up the first flash card, a picture of a breast, and asks “Does anyone know what this is?”

Sandy responds, “I know, I know! It’s a picture of a breast and my Mommy has two of them!”

The teacher says, “Very good Sandy, you get a star.”

The teacher grabs the next card and holds it up. It’s a picture of a penis. She asks, “Does anyone know what this is?”

Little Tommy says, “I know, I know! It’s a penis and my Daddy has two of them!!”

The teacher says, “Well, Tommy, it is a penis, but your daddy can’t have two of them.”

Tommy says, “Yes he does! He’s got a little one that he pisses out of, and a great big one that he brushes the babysitter’s teeth with!”

The Interview

A female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a youth club:

Interviewer: “So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?”

Mr. Jones: “We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.”

Interviewer: “Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?”

Mr. Jones: “I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the range.”

Interviewer: “Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?”

Mr. Jones: “I don’t see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm.”

Interviewer: “But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.”

Mr. Jones:
“Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute but you’re not one, are you? …”

Thermodynamics Exam

A thermodynamics professor wrote a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: “Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof.”

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

“First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

1. So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by Therese Banyan during our freshman year, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then # 2 cannot be true, and hell is exothermic.”

What I’ve Learned

I’ve learned – that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I’ve learned – that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I’ve learned – that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I’ve learned – that it’s not what you have in your life but how much you have in your bank accounts.

I’ve learned – that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big dick or huge tits.

I’ve learned – that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more fucked up than you think.

I’ve learned – that it’s taking me a long time to sleep with the person I want.

I’ve learned – you should always leave loved ones with loving words. You may need to borrow money.

I’ve learned – that you can keep puking long after you think you ‘re finished.

I’ve learned – that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I’ve learned – that either you control your attitude or you will be offered medication.

I’ve learned – that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I’ve learned – that heroes are the people who do whoever has to be done when they need to be done, regardless of the morning after.

I’ve learned – that money is a great substitute for character.

I’ve learned – that my best friend and I can do anything except see “Everest” at the museum of science.

I’ve learned – that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones who do.

I’ve learned – that sometimes when I’m angry I have PMS, God helps all in my vicinity.

I’ve learned – that true friendship continues to grow, until you get your stuff back in the mail with no note.

I’ve learned – that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean you can’t take advantage of them when they’re passed out and naked in your bed.

I’ve learned – that maturity is a magazine for old fucks.

I’ve learned – that your family won’t always be there for you. Of course, if you win the lottery, the hag, the philanderer, the screw-up, the missing one and the horse tooth girl will more than be there for “you”.

I’ve learned – that no matter how good a chick is, she’ll only contribute to your alcoholism.

I’ve learned – that no matter how badly your heart is broken therapy is still expensive.

I’ve learned – that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for all lost or stolen articles while on the premises.

I’ve learned – that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t have secret plans to move out.

I’ve learned – that we don’t have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I’ve learned – that you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret. It could be Victoria’s.

I’ve learned – that two people can screw the exact same person and compare notes.

I’ve learned – that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I’ve learned – that overzealous customs agents can change your life in a matter of hours.

I’ve learned – that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the door.

I’ve learned – that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. And all the less important ones just never go away.

I’ve learned – To say “Fuck them if they can’t take a joke” in six languages.

It’s Academic, REALLY

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on

THE REPLY:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad