Hotter than Hades

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question:

“Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)? Support your answer with a proof.”

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So, we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added. This gives two possibilities.

#1 – If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

#2 – Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Ms. Laura Turner during my Freshman year, “That it will be a cold night in Hell before I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and so Hell is exothermic.

The student got the only A.

Math Quiz

A teacher was helping her students with a math problem. She recited the following story:

“There are three birds sitting on a wire. A gunman shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?”

A boy pauses. “None,” he replied thoughtfully.

“No, no, no, let’s try again,” the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers. “There are three birds sitting on a wire. A gunman shoots one,” she puts down one finger, “how many birds are left on the wire?”

“None,” the boy says with authority.

The teacher sighs. Tell me how you came up with that. “It’s simple,” says the boy, “after the gunman shot one bird, he scared the other two away.”

“Well,” she says, “it’s not technically correct, but, I like the way you think.”

“Okay,” chimes the boy, “now let me ask you a question. “There are three women sitting on a bench eating Popsicle’s. One woman is licking the Popsicle, one woman is biting the Popsicle, and one is sucking the Popsicle. Which one is married?” he asked innocently.

The teacher looked at the boy’s angelic face and writhed in agony, turning three shades of red.

“C’mon,” the boy said impatiently, “one is licking the Popsicle, one is biting and one is sucking. Which one is married?”

“Well,” she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, “the one who’s sucking?”

“No,” the boy says with surprise, “the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think.”

Redneck Students

Two dumb redneck friends are beginning to attend school. One of the friends goes to the University to speak with a counselor about the course work each of them are going to take.

The counselor tells him that he needs to take a logic class. The redneck asks, “What’s logic.” The counselor says, “Well, do you own a lawn mower?” He replies, “Yes.” “Well then you must live in a house,” replies the counselor. “Sure do,” says the student. “And if you live in a house, then you’re probably married.” says the counselor. “And if your married, then you’re probably heterosexual.” The counselor advises, “Well, this is logic.”

So, the redneck returns to his friend and tells him they need to take a logic class. His friends asks, “What’s logic?”

He replies, “Well, you own a lawn mower, right?” His friend replies, “No.”

“Then you must be a fag.”