They told me I’d never be good at poetry because I’m dyslexic.
But so far, I’ve made three jugs and a vase and they’re lovely.
Category: Miscellaneous
Spartacus
Q: What did Spartacus say when the lion ate his wife?
A: Nothing. He was gladiator.
Chickpea vs. Lima Bean
Q: What is the difference between a chickpea and a lima bean?
A: I’ve never paid $300 for a lima bean on my chest.
Little Old Lady
Knock, knock?
Who’s there?
Little old lady?
Little old lady who?
Where did you learn how to yodel?
Most Functional Word
“The Most Functional Word ”
Well it’s Shit …….. That’s right, Shit!
Shit may just be the most functional word in the English language.
Consider this: You can be shit faced, shit out of luck,
or have shit for brains. With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot. You can smoke shit,
buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.
Some people know their shit, while others can’t tell the difference between shit and shine. There are lucky shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits. There is bull shit, horse shit, and chicken shit you can throw shit, sling shit,
catch shit, shoot shit, or duck when shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit, or take a shit. You can be happier than a pig in shit, or you can find yourself in deep shit.
Some days are cold as shit, some days are hot as shit,
and some days are just plain shitty. Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit,
not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit, or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes every thing you touch turns to shit. And others times you fall in a bucket of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, shit is the basic building block of creation. And remember, once you know your shit, you don’t need to know anything else!
Tell people about this shit, if you give a shit.
Bin Laden and Sex
Q. Why can’t Bin Laden have sex with his wives?
A. Every time they spread their legs he sees bush.
Religious and Teachers Joke
1) A Sunday school teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem. A small child replied: “They couldn’t get a baby-sitter.
2) Teacher: Class, you have 30 minutes to write a composition on the subject of Baseball.
Jonah: Here
Trees
Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them.
The beech says to the birch: “Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?” The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says, “Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies: “It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is by far, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in!
Fire at Will
Fire at will.
“Who the hell is Will?”
Valentine
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day. “Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” she asks, “will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?”
Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says, “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?”
“Osama Bin Laden,” she says.
“Why Osama Bin Laden,” her father asks in shock. “Well,” she says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.” Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. “Melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.”
“I know,” Melissa says, “and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him.”