Lulu’s Grandma

Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel, and Lulu was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, Lulu’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why are you standing in line here, dear?”
Not willing to let her grandmother know the truth, Lulu told her grandmother that the policemen were passing out
free oranges and she was just lining up for some. “Why, that’s awfully nice of them. I think I’ll get some for myself,” and she proceeded to the back of the line.

A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, “Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?”

“Grandma replied, “Oh, it’s easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck them dry.”………

The policeman fainted.

Bumpersnickers

* CATS: The other white meat

* Dain bramaged

* Don’t be sexist – broads hate that

* Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway

* Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel

* Boldly going nowhere

* CAUTION – Driver legally blonde!

* Heart Attacks…God’s Revenge for Eating His Animal Friends

* He’s not dead, He’s electroencephalographically challenged

* Honk if you’ve never seen an Uzi fired from a car window!

* How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?

* I’m an imbecile and I vote

* Money Isn’t Everything… But it Sure Keeps the Kids In Touch

* If you lived in your car, you’d be home by now

* Saw it… Wanted it… Had a fit… Got it!

* WARNING! Driver carries only $20.00 in ammunition

* If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!

* Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you’re a butthead.

* Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

* You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me not you!

* JESUS SAVES…He Passes It To Gretzky…Gretzky Shoots. He Scores!

* Jesus is coming! Look busy!

* You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT

* Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

* My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom

* Grow your own dope, plant a man

* All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets

* Some people are only alive because it is illegal to shoot them.

* I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

* WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

* I need someone really bad … Are you really bad?

* All men are idiots … I married their king.

* The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

* IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

* Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

* Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

* We are born naked, wet, and hungry … Then things get worse.

The 9 Most Important Men In A Woman’s Life

1. THE DOCTOR : because he says :
“Take off your clothes”

2. THE DENTIST : because he says :
“Open wide”

3. THE HAIRDRESSER : because he says :
“Do you want it teased or blown?”

4. THE MILKMAN : because he says :
“Do you want it in the front or the back?”

5. THE INTERIOR DECORATOR : because he says :
“Once it’s in, you’ll love it”

6. THE STOCK BROKER: because he says:
“It will rise right up, fluctuate for a while and then slowly fall back again”

7. THE BANKER : because he says :
“If you take it out too soon, you’ll lose interest”

8. THE HUNTER : because he says :
“I go deep in the bush, shoot twice and always eat what I shoot”

9. THE AT&T GUY : because he says :
“Would you like it on the table or against the wall?”

Race to the Ground

Three guys are in a plane and are going skydiving. The first man jumps and pulls the string for his parachute. The seocnd guy does the same, pulls his string after jumping. Both of thier parachutes open. The third guy jumps and pulls his string but for some reason the parachute doesn’t open. He falls toward the ground at about eighty miles an hour. He passes the second guy who is floating peacefully with his parachute open. The second guy looks at the third guy and says surprisingly, “Oh, so you really wanna race?” And he takes off his parachute.