Donald Trump Meets the Queen

Donald Trump is meeting The Queen, and he says to her:  “As I’m the President, I’m thinking of changing how the country is referred to, and I’m thinking that it should be a Kingdom.”
To which the Queen replies, “I’m sorry Mr. Trump, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge – and you’re not a King.”
Donald Trump thought a while and then said, “How about a Principality then?” to which the Queen replied, “Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince – and you’re not a Prince, Mr. Trump.”
Trump thought long and hard and came up with, “How about an Empire then?”
The Queen, getting a little pissed off by now replied, “Sorry again, Mr. Trump, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge – and you are not an Emperor.”
Before Trump could utter another word, The Queen said, “I think you’re doing quite nicely as a Country.”

An NBA Player, President Trump, and the Pope Jump Out of an Airplane

An airplane was about to crash. There were four passengers on board but only three parachutes.
The first passenger said, “I am Steph Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me and I can’t afford to die.” So he took the first pack and jumped out of the plane.
The second passenger, Donald Trump, said, “I am the newly-elected US president and I am the smartest president in American history, so my people don’t want me to die.” He took the second pack and jumped out of the plane.
The third passenger, the Pope, said to the fourth passenger, a 10-year old school boy, “My son, I am old and don’t have many years left. You have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.”
The little boy said, “That’s okay, Your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for you. America’s smartest president took my school bag.”

Al-Gebra Instructor tried to Board a Flight

At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

“Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,” Ashcroft said. “They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like “x” and “y” and refer to themselves as “unknowns”, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.

“As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle,” Ashcroft declared.

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.

“I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence,” the President said, adding: “Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point,and draw the line.”

President Bush warned, “These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex.”

Attorney General Ashcroft said, “As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertaint of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks.”

Heavenly Clocks

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Everytime you lie, the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s.” The hands had never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible,” said the man “And whose clock is that one?” *

St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock.” The hands had moved twice. Telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.

“Where’s Senator John Kerry’s clock?” asked the man.

“Senator’s Kerry’s clock is in Jesus’ office.” St. Peter responded.

“Senator Kerry’s clock is so important it is in Jesus’ office?” Asked, the man.

“Yes, he’s using it as a ceiling fan.” Responded St. Peter.

California Cow

You have a cow and a bull.

The bull is depressed.

It has spent its life living a lie.

It goes away for two weeks.

It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.

You now have two cows.

One makes milk; the other doesn’t.

You try to sell the transgender cow.

Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.

You lose in court.

You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.

You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.

You change your business to beef.

PETA pickets your farm.

Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.

Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help “working cows”.

Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm “for the children”.

Gray Davis had already signed a law giving your farm to Mexico.

The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.

You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.

The cow starves to death.

The L.A. Times’ analysis shows your business failure is Bush’s fault.

Presidential Tragedy

President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school today and when he visited one of the classes (4th grade I believe). They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, “tragedy.” So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a “tragedy.”

One little boy stands up and offers, “If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy.” “No,” says Clinton, “that would be an accident.”

A little girl raises her hand. “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explains Mr. President. “That’s what we would call a GREAT LOSS.”

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. “Fantastic,” exclaims Clinton, “that’s right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?”

“Well,” says the boy, “because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss.”