At New York’s Kennedy airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney general John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
“Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,” Ashcroft said. “They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like “x” and “y” and refer to themselves as “unknowns”, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.
“As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle,” Ashcroft declared.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.
“I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence,” the President said, adding: “Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point,and draw the line.”
President Bush warned, “These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scalene never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex.”
Attorney General Ashcroft said, “As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse. Here is one principle he is uncertaint of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks.”
A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are all those clocks?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Everytime you lie, the hands on your clock will move.”
“Oh,” said the man, “whose clock is that?”
“That’s Mother Teresa’s.” The hands had never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”
“Incredible,” said the man “And whose clock is that one?” *
St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock.” The hands had moved twice. Telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.
“Where’s Senator John Kerry’s clock?” asked the man.
“Senator’s Kerry’s clock is in Jesus’ office.” St. Peter responded.
“Senator Kerry’s clock is so important it is in Jesus’ office?” Asked, the man.
“Yes, he’s using it as a ceiling fan.” Responded St. Peter.
You have a cow and a bull.
The bull is depressed.
It has spent its life living a lie.
It goes away for two weeks.
It comes back after a taxpayer-paid sex-change operation.
You now have two cows.
One makes milk; the other doesn’t.
You try to sell the transgender cow.
Its lawyer sues you for discrimination.
You lose in court.
You sell the milk-generating cow to pay the damages.
You now have one rich, transgender, non-milk-producing cow.
You change your business to beef.
PETA pickets your farm.
Jesse Jackson makes a speech in your driveway.
Cruz Bustamante calls for higher farm taxes to help “working cows”.
Hillary Clinton calls for the nationalization of 1/7 of your farm “for the children”.
Gray Davis had already signed a law giving your farm to Mexico.
The L.A. Times quotes five anonymous cows claiming you groped their teats.
You declare bankruptcy and shut down all operations.
The cow starves to death.
The L.A. Times’ analysis shows your business failure is Bush’s fault.
Q: Why aren’t there any Wal-marts in Baghdad?
A: Because there’s a target on every corner.
Q: If pro is good and con is bad, then what is the opposite of Progress?
A modern-day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He’s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.
She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.
There’s a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
“Well, cowboy,” says the genie … “You know how I work. You have three wishes.”
“I’m not falling for this.” Says the man. “I’m not going to trust an IRS auditor genie.”
“What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!”
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
“OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.”
*** POOF ***
The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
“OK, cowpoke, what’s your second wish.”
“My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.”
*** POOF ***
The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
“OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, “I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.”
*** POOF ***
He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story:
If the government offers you anything, there’s going to be a string attached.
One Sunday morning, Chelsea burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, “Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt.”
After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. “Honey, I have to talk with you. Your Mother and I have been married a long time. She’s a wonderful wife but she’s never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I have fooled around with other women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I’m afraid you can’t marry him.”
Chelsea was heartbroken, but after eight months she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, “Robert asked me to marry him! We’re getting married in June.” Again, her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. “Robert is your half-brother too, Honey. I’m awfully sorry about this.”
Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her Mother and tell her. “Dad has done so much harm. I guess I’m never going to get married,” she complained. “Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half-brother.”
Hillary just shook her head. Don’t pay any attention to what he says dear. He’s not really your father.”