Cowboy in the Desert

A modern-day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He’s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There’s a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

“Well, cowboy,” says the genie … “You know how I work. You have three wishes.”

“I’m not falling for this.” Says the man. “I’m not going to trust an IRS auditor genie.”

“What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!”

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

“OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.”

*** POOF ***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

“OK, cowpoke, what’s your second wish.”

“My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.”

*** POOF ***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

“OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, “I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.”

*** POOF ***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:

If the government offers you anything, there’s going to be a string attached.

Presidential Tragedy

President Bill Clinton was visiting an elementary school today and when he visited one of the classes (4th grade I believe). They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, “tragedy.” So our illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a “tragedy.”

One little boy stands up and offers, “If my best friend, who lives next door, was playing in the street and a car came along and ran over him, that would be a tragedy.” “No,” says Clinton, “that would be an accident.”

A little girl raises her hand. “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy.” “I’m afraid not,” explains Mr. President. “That’s what we would call a GREAT LOSS.”

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Clinton searches the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”

Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, “If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy. “Fantastic,” exclaims Clinton, “that’s right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?”

“Well,” says the boy, “because it wouldn’t be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss.”

Post Turtle

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man (he got his hand caught in a gate while working his cattle), a doctor and the old man were talking about George Dubya being in the White House. The old man said, “Well, ya know, Bush is a post turtle.” Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.

The old man said, “When you’re driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a post turtle. You know he didn’t get there by himself, he doesn’t belong there, he can’t get anything done while he’s up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb thing get down.”

Florida

Laughing With Florida (Hey, It Aint My Fault!)

**FLORIDA: If you think we can’t vote, wait till you see us drive.

**FLORIDA: Home of electile dysfunction.

**FLORIDA: We count more than you do.

**FLORIDA: If you don’t like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.

**FLORIDA: We’ve been Gored by the bull of politics and we’re Bushed.

**FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, ReVote.

**FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again!

**FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311?

**FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.

**FLORIDA: This is what you get for taking Elian away from us.

**FLORIDA: We don’t just cheat in football.

**FLORIDA: We’re number one! Wait! Recount!

**Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice.

**Palm Beach County: We put the “duh” in Florida.

**Sign on I-95 : Florida this way, no that way, 5 miles, wait 10 miles.

Department of Obfuscation

Sentences taken from actual letters received by the local welfare department in application for support:

1. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.

2. I am writing the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?

3. Mrs. Nones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited regularly by the clergy.

4. I cannot get sick pay. I have six children. Can you tell me why?

5. I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.

6. This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it?

7. Please find for certain if my husband who is missing is dead.

8. I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.

9. In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a boy weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.

10. I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children, one of which is a mistake as you can see.

11. My husband got his project cut off two weeks ago and I haven’t had any relief since.

12. Unless I get my husband’s money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.

13. You have changed my boy to a girl. Will this make any difference?

Corrective Lenses

So this lady is stopped by a police officer. He asks to see her license.

She says, “Certainly, officer” and gets it out for him. He checks it out. “Lady, the license says you need corrective lenses!”

“Officer,” she replies, “I have contacts!”

“Look, lady, I don’t care WHO you know in City Hall, you’re supposed to be wearing glasses!”