Tragic Humor

You gotta love people who can turn a tragedy into at least a little humor.

After the May 3rd tornado, many Oklahoma City residents have tried to deal with their loss through humor. Many home owners have spray painted their homes or put up signs claiming:

“For Sale: Fixer Upper” or “OPEN HOUSE.”

However, the best one comes from a man in Moore who, before President Clinton’s visit, put a sign in his yard saying:

“HEY BILL, HOW’S THIS FOR A BLOW JOB?”

Unfortunately, the Secret Service asked him to remove it since there was so much media coverage.

Greater Los Angeles Area Driver’s License Application

Name:______________ Stage name:________________

Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________

Sex: ___Male ___Female ___Formerly Male ___Formerly Female

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: __________________.
(If you don’t own a cell phone, please explain.)

Please check hair color:

Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)

[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the backseat
[ ] Having sex
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers, and
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving.

TEST

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime;
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news on a high-speed chase;
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through;
d) Call your therapist;
e) None of the above (South Central residents only).

In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car,
b) keep driving and hope for the best,
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones, or
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4?

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH,
b) drive twice as fast as usual, or
c) you’re not sure what “rain” is.

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac;
b) Zovirax;
c) Lithium;
d) Zanax;
e) Valium.

If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour;
b) 2 hours;
c) 3 hours;
d) 4 hours or more.

When stopped by police, should you
a) pull over and have your driver’s license and insurance form ready,
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405,
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?

********************
Please turn in your test to the lady behind the bullet-proof
window on your left.

White House Parrot

Hillary Clinton went into a pet shop and found a beautiful, colorful parrot.

“Does this parrot talk?” she asked.” Yes, he does,” the manager told her. “But why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?” she asked.

“Well, ma’am,” the manager told her, “not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent many years in a whorehouse and his language is terrible.”

“Well, I want him,” she said. “Suit yourself,” the manager shrugged.

When she got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the colorful bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, “New house, new madam.” Hillary laughed.

Soon Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. “New house, new whores,” the parrot observed. At first they were offended, but when Hillary explained about the bird’s history, they too, laughed at him.

A few minutes later the President entered the living quarters. The parrot looked up from his feeder and said, “Hi Bill.”

The Tax Man

A Tax Official has come to a rural synagogue for an inspection. The rabbi is accompanying him.

“So rabbi tell me, please, after you have distributed all your unleavened bread, what do you do with the crumbs?”

“Why, we gather them carefully and send them to the city and then they make bread of them again and send it back to us.”

“Ah. So what about candles after they are burnt? What do you do with the drippings?”

“We send them to the city as well, and they make new candles from them and send them to us.”

“And what about circumcision? What do you do with those leftover pieces?”

Wearily, the rabbi replies, “We send them to the city as well.”

“To the city!? And what do they send to you?”

“Today they have sent you to us.”

Bill and Hillary

Bill and Hillary are now married 40 years. When they first got married, Bill said, “I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it.”

In all their 40 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 40th anniversary, curiosity got the best of her, and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were three empty beer cans and $1,874.25 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed saying, “I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However, today the temptation was too much, and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?”

Bill thought for a while and said, “I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again.”

Hillary was shocked, but said, “I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that three times is not that bad considering the years.”

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, “Why do you have all that money in the box?” Bill answered, “Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in.”

Iraq

Q: What do Baghdad and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing,…yet.

Q: Why is it twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
A: You only have to teach them to take off.

Q: How do you play Iraqi bingo?
A: B-52…F-16…B-1… F-111… F-117… B-2

Q: What is Iraq’s national bird?
A: Duck

Q: Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
A: So they can see their Air Force.

Q: What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
A: They both want to know where the heck those Tomahawks are coming from!

Q: What is the best Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador

Q: How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. They can’t turn them on anyway.

Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of $800,000.

Q: “How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb?”
A: “We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time.”

Q: What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common?
A: They both have Kurds in their Whey.

Q: What’s the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud Missile?
A: Aeroflot has killed more people.

Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Clinton in Hades

Bill Clinton dies and is on his way to Hell. At the gates of Hell he meets Satan. Satan tells Clinton that Hell is full but he will be replacing one of the current inhabitants. He will be given the choice of who he will replace for eternity.

Before Clinton appears three doors. The first door opens. Behind it is Newt Gingrich being worked over with a blow torch.

“Oh my!” Clinton cringes, “That looks painful. I don’t think this is for me!”

Door #2 opens. Behind it is Rush Limbaugh his skin being stripped off with a pair of pliers.

“I don’t think so.”, Clinton insists!

Door #3 opens and behind it is Ken Starr. He is bound hand and foot, naked. Kneeling before him is Monica Lewinsky doing what she does best.

“I can handle that!”, Clinton proclaims enthusiastically.

“Very well” says Satan, “Monica, you may go.”

Democrat Salesman

A salesman was traveling between towns and got a flat tire in the middle of nowhere. Checking the spare, he found that it was flat, too. His only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the nearest town.

The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a pickup truck.

He yelled out the window to the salesman, “Need a lift?”

“Yes, I do,” replied the salesman.

“Are you a Democrat or Republican?” asked the old man.

“A Republican,” replied the salesman.

“Get screwed!” yelled the old man as he sped off.

The next to stop rolled down the window and asked the same question, to which the salesman gave the same answer, “Republican.” The driver gave him the finger and drove off.

The salesman thought it over, and decided that maybe he should change his approach, since there appeared to be few Republicans in this area.

The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful
blonde. She smiled seductively and asked him if he were a Democrat or Republican.

“Democrat!” shouted the salesman.

“Hop in!” replied the blonde.

Driving down the road, he can’t help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to him – the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continues to ride higher and higher up
her thighs.

Finally, he yells “STOP THE CAR! STOP THE CAR!”

She slams on the brakes, and, as soon as the car stops, he jumps out.

“What’s the matter?” she asks.

“I can’t take it!” he replies. “I’ve only been a Democrat for five minutes and already I want to sleep with a woman I’ve only just met!”