Elevator Snobs

An old Italian woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old Italian woman and says arrogantly, “Giorgio – Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!” The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old Italian woman and says, “Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!”

About three floors later, the old Italian woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, looks to both beautiful women in the eye, she bends over, and farts … and says, “Broccoli – 49 cents a pound.”

Saudi Punishments

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. “I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession.” The Sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.

“I’m a cop”, says the first man.

“Then we will shoot your penis off!,” said the Sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

“I’m a firemen,” said the second man. “Then we will burn your penis off!,” said the sheik. Finally, he asked the last man, “And you, what do you do for a living?”

And the third man answered, “I’m a lollipop salesman!”

45 Fun Elevator Activities

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!”
3. Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” incessantly.
4. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
5. On a long ride, sway side-to-side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
6. Shave.
7. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: “Got enough air in there?”
8. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside down.
9. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
10. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
11. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
12. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go “plink” at the bottom.
13. Do Tai Chi exercises.
14. Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce: “I’ve got new socks on!”
15. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: “Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!”
16. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
17. Meow, occasionally.
18. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
19. Frown and mutter “Gotta go, gotta go!” then sigh and say “Oops!”
20. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
21. Sing “Mary had a little lamb” while continually pushing buttons.
22. Holler “Chutes away!” whenever the elevator descends.
23. Walk on with a cooler that says “Human Head” on the side.
24. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce “You’re one of THEM!” and move to the far corner of the elevator.
25. Leave a box between the doors.
26. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
27. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers, with it.
28. Start a sing-along.
29. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask “is that your beeper?”
30. Play the harmonica.
31. Shadow box.
32. Say “Ding!” at each floor.
33. Lean against the button panel.
34. Say “I wonder what all these do” and push the red buttons.
35. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
36. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your “personal space””
37. Bring a chair along.
38. Blow spit bubbles.
39. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
40. Announce in a demonic voice: “I must find a more suitable host body.”
41. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
42. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
43. Wear X-Ray Specs and leer suggestively at other passengers.
44. Stare at your thumb and say, “I think it’s getting larger.”
45. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler “Bad touch!”

Fun Things to do at Work

1) Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.

2) Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

3) Make up nicknames for all your co-workers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Sparky.” “No, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha.

4) Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”

5) Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven’t lost them as much since you did this.

6) While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.

7) Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

8) Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.

9) Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.

10) Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11) Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12) Put your trash can on your desk. Label it “IN”.

13) Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14) Send e-mail messages saying there’s free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, “oh you’ve got to be faster than that.”

15) Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.