Category: Religion

Why God Created Pets

A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to, “Why did God create pets?”

Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you anymore. We are lonesome here and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.” And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.” And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased.

And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail. And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.” And God said, “No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.” And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them. And they were comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.” And God said, “No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.”

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve. And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings. And Adam and Eve learned humility. And they were greatly improved. And God was pleased. And Dog was happy. And Cat didn’t give a crap one way or the other.

God Created Women First

… And God created Woman, giving her three breasts to nurse her young.

God spoke, saying to Woman,

“Woman, I have created thee first as I see fit, but mine is no longer the only opinion in the universe. Is there anything about thee that thou would prefer differently?”

And Woman spoke, “Lord, I am not made to birth whole litters, and you have given me two glorious hands, feet, legs, eyes, … etc. I do not need but two breasts.”

And God said, “Thou speaks wisely, as I have given you wisdom.”

There was a bolt of lightning, and it was done. Woman stood there holding her third breast in her hand.

Woman asked, “Lord, what are we going to do with this useless boob?”

And so it was, God created man

Bus Load of Nuns

They are all in Heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.

St. Peter asks the first Nun, “Sister Karen, have you ever had any contact with a penis?” The Nun giggles and slyly replies, “Well once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.”

St. Peter says, “OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gate.”

St. Peter asks the next Nun the same question, “Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?” The nun is a little reluctant but replies, “Well once I fondled and stroked one.”

St. Peter says “OK, dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate.”

All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of Nuns, one Nun is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says “Sister, Sister what seems to be the rush?”

The Nun replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that holy water, I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!!”

Night With Two 18 Year Olds

An elderly man goes into the confessional and tells the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and eleven grandchildren. Last night I had an affair and made love to two eighteen year old girls. I did it twice with each of them!”

The priest replies, “Well my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”

“Never Father, I’m Jewish.”

“So why are you telling me?” asks the priest.

“Are you kidding,” exclaims the old man, “I’m telling everybody!”

Waterskiing Sermon

A Minister noted that he was losing the attention of especially the young people in his audience, so he decided to prepare a sermon for the following Sunday on the topic of water-skiing.

He sat for absolutely ages preparing and eventually came up with only one paragraph of information. His wife advised him that she wouldn’t be attending church on Sunday if he insisted on going ahead and making a fool of himself.

Late on Saturday evening, and without advising his wife, he changed his mind and dug up a sermon which had always met with great success on the topic of sex in marriage.

Anyway, his wife didn’t attend his sermon on the Sunday, but, after church, two old ladies who had attended were having a conversation with the Minister’s wife and told her what a brilliant sermon her husband had given and how much they had enjoyed it.

She was quite astonished and said: “I’m really surprised, because he doesn’t know anything about the topic. He’s only tried it twice – the first time he fell off and the second time he felt nauseous”.

Celibacy Test

Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor that they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test. The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man’s penis.

In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.

*Ting-a-ling* goes the bell…

“Oh, Patrick,” says the Monsignor, “I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness.”

The candidate leaves.

The dancer then continues, slowly dancing around the second candidate and peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops…

*Ting-a-ling* goes the little bell …

“Joseph, Joseph,” sighs the Monsignor. “You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness.”

The dancer then proceeds to dance her sensuous dance around the third candidate. Slowly around him she dances, now devoid of all of her veils, but the third candidate remains unmoved.

“James, my son, I am truly proud of you,” says the Monsignor. “Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a great priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethen in the shower”.

*Ting-a-ling.*

Esprit de Hard Corp

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house; a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court. Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven’s many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

“That is a nice suit, my friend,” said Gates. “Where did you get it?”

“Actually,” the man replied, “I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I’ve been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces.”

“Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?” asked Gates.

“No,” said his new friend, “Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic.”

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, “How could you give me a paltry new house, while you’re showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!!!!”

“Yes, but we use Windows,” replied Peter, “and the Titanic only crashed once.”

All In The Family

A man was brought to Mercy Hospital and taken in for coronary surgery. The operation went well and, as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun, gently patting his hand. “We do need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”

“No, I’m not,” the man whispered hoarsely.

“Can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.

“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister.”

“Well, do you have any close relatives?” the nun essayed.

“Just my sister in New Mexico,” he volunteered. “But she’s a humble spinster nun.”

“Oh, I must correct you, Mr. Smith. Nuns are not ‘spinsters.’ They are married to God.”

“Wonderful,” said Smith. “In that case, please send the bill to my brother-in-law.”