Little Jenny comes home from playing at Johnny’s house. “Hey Mom, guess what! Johnny’s got a penis like a peanut!”
Mom is understandably confused for a second, then asks, “What, you mean it’s shaped like a peanut?”
“No silly, it’s salty!”
Category: Body / Anatomy / Health
Stag Party
A man was to be married and his friends threw him a stag party. As usual there was much drinking and merriment. As the evening wore on, the man was dancing nude and hit his erect penis on the fireplace, knocking himself out.
Concerned, his friends took him to the hospital. Following an examination, the emergency room physician told them that their friend’s condition was stable, that he was bruised and sore, that the medical term for his injury was complicated but in layman terms, “He had broken his prick.” They shouldn’t worry though, because he had supported the injured part with four tongue depressors neatly bound with tape.
The next day, the wedding was flawless and the bride was unaware of any problems. In their honeymoon suite, the bride was spread-eagled on the bed when her husband emerged from the bathroom and she said, “Come and get it, Honey, it’s all yours. I’m untouched by any other, this is pure virgin wool.”
The groom smiled and dropped his pajamas as he said to her, “Yeah? Well, check this out, Babe, still in the crate!”
Groped on the Bus
Recently a tour bus full of senior citizens was travelling along an interstate. Suddenly, an elderly woman in the back screamed and jumped out of her seat. The driver pulled over and headed toward the back of the bus. When the driver got to the woman, he asked what was wrong.
The woman replied, “There’s a man trying to molest me!”
The driver asked the other passengers, but no one had seen anything. The driver turned to the woman and said, “You must have scared off the man when you screamed.”
The woman agreed and returned to her seat. The bus driver resumed driving, but a few miles down the road the same woman, again, screamed and jumped out of her seat. Once again, the driver pulled over and headed to the back of the bus.
“What’s wrong now?” asked the driver.
The woman replied, “That man was trying to molest me, he’s under my seat!”
The driver looked under the seat, and sure enough there was an old bald guy.
The driver said to the man, “Sir, this woman claims that you were trying to molest her.”
The man replies, “No, no, no! I’m just looking for my toupee — I thought I had it twice but it got away both times!”
What Is It?
A well dressed guy went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. The guy leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, “Well, it looks like plastic.” Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, “But it feels like rubber.”
Curious, the guy asked, “What do you have there?”
The drunk replied, “Damned if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”
The guy said, “Let me take a look.”
So the drunk handed it over. The guy rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely. “Yeah, it does look like plastic and feels like rubber, but I don’t know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?”
The drunk replied, “Out of my nose.”
Blondes Breast
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, “Ma’am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?”
She says, “Why, officer?”
“Because your breast is hanging out.”
She looks down and says, “OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!”
Broom Factory
A young Southern peasant girl of fourteen went to work in a broom factory. After two months she gave the boss a two-week notice. The boss was quite unhappy to let her go since she was hard working, knew her tasks etc.
He called her into his office, “But why?” he asked.
“Nothin, I just wanna quit that’s all,” she said sullenly.
“Look, I’ll give you a raise.”
“No,” she said.
“You can’t just quit like that. There must be a reason. Tell me.”
“Okay if you must know …” said the girl, and she took off her underwear and pointed to her pubic hair, “Look, I haven’t had this before, it’s the broom’s bristles, I tell you …”
Tickled by her innocence, he too took off his underwear and showed his, and said, “Ha, ha … my dear, it’s nature. Look, I have it, too …”
“Oh no!” the girl cried, “I can’t wait two weeks, I quit now! Not only do you have the bristles, but you’ve grown the handle as well.”
Corkscrew Penis
Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
“Wow,” Gary said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.”
“Like what?” Martin said.
“All twisted like a pig’s tail,” Gary said.
“Well, what’s yours like?” Martin said.
“Straight, like normal,” Gary said.
“I thought mine was normal until I saw yours,” Martin said.
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. “What did you do that for?” Martin said.
“Shaking off the excess drops,” Gary said. “Like normal.”
“Cripes,” Martin said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it.”
Henry Ford in Heaven
Henry Ford died and went up to Heaven. Peter was there at the Pearly Gates.
“Name?”
“Ford. Henry Ford.”
“Occupation?”
“Inventor.”
Peter consults his clipboard.
“Right,” he says. “You’re in. Inventors are in 3C. Take the elevator. Third floor, turn right, third on the left.”
Ford finds the right door and goes in.
It’s an inventors paradise. In one corner, Edison is hobnobbing with Galileo. Archimedes is matching wits with Marconi in the center of the room. Anyone who ever invented anything is there.
Then a wild hairy looking guy wearing nothing but a fig-leaf comes up to him.
“You’re new here,” he says to Ford. “Who are you.”
“Ford. Henry Ford.”
“Nice to meet you, Mister Ford. What did you invent?”
“I,” said Ford proudly, “invented the world’s first practical mass-production motor car. Who are you, and what did YOU invent?”
“I’m Adam,” said the wild man. “I invented woman.”
“Ah,” said Ford. “Pleased to meet you. You know, I’ve been wanting to tell the inventor of woman something for a long time. You put the inlet valve too close to the outlet valve.”
Adam considered this for a while.
“Could be,” he conceded. “But there’s still a hell of a lot more people riding my model than riding yours.”
Get it in Cider
Little Johnny walks into the kitchen where his Mom is fixing dinner.
“Mom, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?” asks Little Johnny.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to pull it out?”
“No thanks, just the cider.”
“Well, sure,” responds Johnny’s mother and gives her boy the cider and watches him trot contentedly off.
About 15 minutes later Little Johnny returns to the kitchen and again asks his mother for a glass of cider. His mother, not wanting to question his reasoning, gives him another glass and again watches him leave happy.
Ten minutes later Little Johnny returns and once again asks for a glass of cider.
The mother complies with Johnny’s wishes again, but her curiosity has been peaked to the point where she can’t resist knowing why any longer. She wanders into the family room and Johnny sitting in front of the TV with his finger in the glass.
“Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass?” asks Johnny’s mother questioningly.
“Well, said Little Johnny, I heard Sis on the phone say that whenever she had a prick in her hand, she couldn’t wait to get it in cider.”
The Buffalo Theory
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.