## Importance of Math

The next time your children ask, “Why is math so important?” you can explain … This is why math is taught in school.

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her. This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and “flipped” the woman off. “Man, that guy is stupid,” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here’s why: I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That’s 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper. Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars. Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper to bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4,000 cars. That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, half of these are driven by females. That’s 18,000 women drivers! In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That’s 642. According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That’s 449. According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That’s 98. And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That’s 33. According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing. That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed. Flip one off? … I think not.

## I Hate Candy

A teacher was talking to her class about how unhelthy candy is. One little kid raised his hand to make a comment.

“Yes Timmy” the teacher said.

“I hate candy” the kid said.

“Have you ever eaten candy?” The teacher asked?

“Yeah” the kid said. “But, when I ate one of those little mints in the stand up toilets, I decided to never eat candy ever again.”

## Crash Course in Chinese

Are you harboring a fugitive?
Hu Yu Hai Ding?

See me ASAP
Kum Hia Nao

Stupid man
Dum Gai

Did you go to the beach?
Wai Yu So Tan?

I bumped into a coffee table
Ai Bang Mai Ni

I think you need a face-lift
Chin Tu Fat

It’s very dark in here
Wai So Dim?

I thought you were on a diet
MunChing?

Ai No Pei

Small horse
Tai Ni Po Ni

Stay out of sight
Lei Lo

He’s cleaning his automobile
Wa Shing Ka

Wai Go Nao?

Yu Stin Ki, Pu

## Intelligent Child

Their was a teacher appointed for second grade. The teacher was also a psychiatrist. So she decided to test her abilities on the children by asking a question, “Whoever thinks that he or she is stupid, stand up?

But no one stood up immediately. But after a while one kid stood up.

The teacher asked, “Do you think that you are stupid?”

The child replied, “No maam but I hate to see you standing all by yourself.”

## Are You Qualified To Be A “Professional”

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and tells whether you are qualified to be a “professional”.

Scroll down for the answer. The questions are not that difficult.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe and close the door.

This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.

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2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the refrigerator.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.

This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your actions.

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3. The Lion King is hosting an animal conference, all the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?

The Elephant. The Elephant is in the refrigerator.

OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions, correctly, you still have one more chance to show your abilities.

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4. There is a river you must cross. But it is inhabited by crocodiles.

How do you manage it?

Correct Answer: You swim across. All the Crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting!

This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.

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According to Andersen Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong.

But many preschoolers got several correct answers.

Andersen Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.

3A. ESSAY: IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.

I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a
small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami.

Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.

But I have not yet gone to college.

## ABC’s

A boy was sitting in school, and he asked the teacher if he could go to the bathroom. The teacher asked him to recite his ABC’s.

“ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ”

The teacher asked, “Where is the ‘P’?”

The boy replied, “Dripping down my leg.”

## Farting Competition

Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behaviour, Little Johnny said, “I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I’m very proud of that fact.”

The teacher says, “If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?”

Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper.

The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, there wasn’t a trace of chalk dust left on the paper. Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process, Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt.

“No wonder you won!” he exclaimed indignantly, “you’ve got a Double-Barrel!”

## Lip Prints

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the Maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night. To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance guy to clean one of the mirrors.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it into the toilet and then cleaned the mirror. Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers … and then there are TEACHERS.

## Grown Up Words

Some kindergartner students had moved up to the first grade. Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use grown up words instead of baby words. She then asked them to tell her what they did during the summer. The first little one said he went to see his Nana.

The teacher said, “No, No, you went to see your grandmother.” Use the grown up word.

The next little one said she went for a trip on a choo-choo.

The teacher again said, “No, No, you went on a trip on a train.” That’s the grown up word.

Then the teacher asked the third little one what he did during the summer. He proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked what book he had read.

He puffed out his chest and in a very adult way replied, “Winnie the Shit.”