Happiness is like peeing your pants … Everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.
Times When The “F” Word Was Appropriate
“What the fuck was that?” – Mayor of Hiroshima
“Where did all these fucking Indians come from?” – General Custer
“Any fucking idiot could understand that.” – Albert Einstein
“It does so fucking look like her!” – Pablo Picasso
“How the fuck did you work that out?” – Pythagoras
“You want WHAT on the fucking ceiling?” – Michaelangelo
“I don’t suppose its gonna fucking rain?” – Joan of Arc
“Scattered fucking showers…my ass.” – Noah
“I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head.” – John F. Kennedy
“Who the fuck is going to know?” – Bill Clinton
** “There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast.” – Unknown
** “Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.” – Anonymous
** “Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” – Jeff Valdez
** “In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.” – English proverb
** “As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.” – Ellen Perry Berkeley
** “One cat just leads to another.” – Ernest Hemmingway
** “Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later.” – Mary Bly
** “Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.” – Joseph Wood Krutch
** “People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life.” – Faith Resnick
** “There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.” – Anonymous
** “I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.” – Hippolyte Taine
** “No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me.” – Unknown
** “There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.” – Albert Schweitzer
** “The cat has too much spirit to have no heart.” – Ernest Menaul
** “Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God.”
** “Time spent with cats is never wasted.” – Colette
** “Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.” – Missy Dizick
** “Managing senior programmers is like herding cats.” – Dave Platt
** “Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer.” – Bruce Graham
** “You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats.” – Colonial American proverb
** “Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.” -Joseph Wood Krutch
** “I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic”
** “My husband said it was him or the cat … I miss him sometimes.”
“The president has never done cocaine,” said Jim Kennedy, a spokesman for the White House counsel’s office. “That applies to his entire life.”
The Washington Times
24 August 1999
Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?
Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what “they” call it: the “other side.” Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.” That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain and simple as that.
I intend to prove that the chicken crossed the road at the behest of the President of the United States of America in an effort to distract law enforcement officials and the American public from the criminal wrongdoing our highest elected official has been trying to cover up. As a result, the chicken is just another pawn in the president’s ongoing and elaborate scheme to obstruct justice and undermine the rule of law. For that reason, my staff intends to offer the chicken unconditional immunity provided he co-operates fully with our investigation. Furthermore, the chicken will not be permitted to reach the other side of the road until our investigation and any Congressional follow-up investigations have been completed. (We also are investigating whether Sid Blumenthal has leaked information to the Rev. Jerry Falwell, alleging the chicken to be homosexual in an effort to discredit any useful testimony the bird may have to offer, or at least to ruffle his feathers.)
To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
The chicken crossed the road,
But why it crossed,
I’ve not been told!
To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
It was a historical inevitability.
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK:
To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
I have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook – and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken please?
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the “black man” in order to trample him and keep him down.
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
I missed one??
Famous Last Words
“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” – Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949.
“I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.” –Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.
“I have traveled the length and breadth of this country and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.” – The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.
“But what is it good for?” — Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
“There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” — Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp., 1977.
“This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us.” – Western Union internal memo, 1876.
“The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?” — David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920’s.
“The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a ‘C,’ the idea must be feasible.” — A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. (Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
“Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?” — H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.
“I’m just glad it’ll be Clark Gable who’s falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.” –Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind.”
“A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.” –Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies.
“We don’t like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.” – Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.
“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.” — Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.
If I had thought about it, I wouldn’t have done the experiment. Then literature is full of examples that said you can’t do this.” — Spencer Silver, on the work that led to the unique adhesives for 3m Post-It” Notepads.
“So we went to Atari and said, ‘Hey, we’ve got this amazing thing even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or, we’ll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we’ll come work for you.’ And they said, ‘No.’ So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, ‘Hey, we don’t need you. You haven’t got through college yet.'” — Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak’s personal computer.
“Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.” –1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard’s revolutionary rocket work.
“You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can’t be done. It’s just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training.” — Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the unsolvable problem by inventing Nautilus.
“Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You’re crazy.” –Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.
“Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau.” – Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.
“Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value.” – Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
“Everything that can be invented has been invented.” – Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.
“Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction”. — Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
“The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon”. – Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, appointed Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria 1873.
“640K ought to be enough for anybody.” – Bill Gates, 1981