Rules For Cats That Have A House To Run

I. DOORS: Do not allow closed doors in any room. To get a door opened, stand on hind legs and scratch the frame. You may also reach under the door and pull clothing towards you; silks get the quickest reaction. Once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an “outside” door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, when it’s raining or snowing, or during the height of the mosquito season. Swinging doors must be avoided at all costs.

II. CHAIRS AND RUGS: If you have to urp, get to an overstuffed chair quickly. If you cannot manage this in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there are no Oriental rugs, shag is a good substitute. When urping on shag, be sure you project; it is a must that it stretch for as long as a human’s bare foot.

III. BATHROOMS: Always accompany guests to the bathroom. (See Rule I.) It is not necessary to do anything — just sit and stare.

IV. HELPING: If one of your humans is engaged in some semi-closed activity and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called “helping”; humans are known to refer to it as hampering”.

The following are the rules for “helping”:

a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book, unless you can lie across the book itself.

c) For knitting projects or paperwork, lie on the work in the most appropriate manner so as to obscure as much of the work or at least the most important part. Pretend to doze, but every so often reach out and slap the pencil or knitting needles. The worker may try to distract you; ignore it. Remember, the aim is to hamper work. Embroidery and needlepoint projects make great hammocks in spite of what the humans may tell you.

d) For people paying bills (monthly activity) or working on income taxes or Christmas cards (annual activity), keep in mind the aim — to help! First, sit on the paper being worked on. When dislodged, watch sadly from the side of the table. When activity proceeds nicely, roll around on the papers, scattering them to the best of your ability. After being removed for the second time, push pens, pencils, and erasers off the table, one at a time.

e) When a human is holding the newspaper in front of him/her, be sure to jump on the back of the paper. They love to jump.

V. WALKING: As often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human. Especially effective places to strike are: 1) On stairs, when they have something in their arms; 2) In the dark; and 3) When they first get up in the morning. This exercise helps with improving their coordination skills.

VI. BEDTIME: Always sleep on the human at night. If there are two (or more) of you, book end the human putting off the greatest heat. They will try and squirm but your sheer numbers and inert bodies will effectively keep them pinned.

Hospital Bill

On my way out of the hospital I stopped by the office to pay my bill. My room was $575 a day, my medication was $325 a day, my test totalled $2,800 and the doctor cost $1,800.

I said, “They must think I’m crazy!”

The clerk responded, “I guess not sir, there’s no charge on here for psychological evaluation.”

What Women Say And What They Mean

I JUST NEED SOME SPACE.
… without you in it.

DO I LOOK FAT IN THIS DRESS?
We haven’t had a fight in a while.

NO, PIZZA’S FINE.
… you cheap slob!

I JUST DON’T WANT A BOYFRIEND NOW.
I just don’t want you as a boyfriend now.

I DON’T KNOW, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO?
I can’t believe you have nothing planned.

I LIKE YOU, BUT…
I don’t like you.

OF COURSE I LOVE YOU.
… just not in that way.

I’LL BE READY IN A MINUTE.
…I’m ready, but I’m going to make you wait because I know you will.

OH, NO, I’LL PAY FOR MYSELF.
…I’m just being nice; there’s no way I’m going dutch.

Wanna Bet

Three guys working on a high rise building project, Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says,”Someone should go and tell his wife.”

Bill says, “OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.” Two hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, “Where did you get that, Bill?”

“Steve’s wife gave it to me, Charlie.”

“That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer.”

Bill says,” Well not exactly, I said to her, when she answered the door, “You must be Steve’s widow.”

She said, “No, I’m not a widow.”

And I said, “Wanna bet me a 6-pack?”

Planeload of Blondes

A planeload of blondes was flying from California to New York in a four engine plane when the captain came on the intercom and said that there would be a 30 minute delay because one of the engines quit working. A little while later the captain came on again and said there would be a 60 minute delay because another engine quit working. Ten minutes later he came on again and said now we will be one hour and 30 minutes late due to the fact that the third engine stopped also.

Just then one blonde turned to another one and said, “Boy if that fourth engine quits we’ll be up here forever.”

Two Boys and Their Nuts

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts. When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile. In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. “One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me.”

As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys, because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.

“Father! Father!” he yelled as he entered his house. “The cemetery. Come quick!”

“What’s the matter?” his father asked.

“No time to explain,” the boy frantically panted. “Follow me!”

The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.

“Do you hear that?” he whispered.

Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. “One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you…”

The boy then blurted out, “The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!”

The father was skeptical but silent — until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, “Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we’ll have them all.”

The Interview

A female newscaster is interviewing the leader of a youth club:

Interviewer: “So, Mr. Jones, what are you going to do with these children on this adventure holiday?”

Mr. Jones: “We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.”

Interviewer: “Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?”

Mr. Jones: “I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the range.”

Interviewer: “Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?”

Mr. Jones: “I don’t see how, we will be teaching them proper range discipline before they even touch a firearm.”

Interviewer: “But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.”

Mr. Jones:
“Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute but you’re not one, are you? …”

New Yorkers in Heaven

This group of New Yorkers went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Golden Gates that day … St. Peter didn’t know what to do with so many people at the gates so he ran to God … St. Peter said, “God there is a group of New Yorkers at the gates and they want to get in.” God says, “Well what is the problem, let them in, two at a time if you have to.” So, St. Peter runs back to the gates to let them in. A few seconds later God hears St. Peter running back. St. Peter comes running up to God and says, “God, they’re gone!” God says, “Who, the New Yorkers?” St. Peter says, “No, the Golden Gates.”

Bra Choices

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy’s, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, “I’d like to buy a bra for my wife.”

“What type of bra?” asked the clerk.

“Type?” inquires the man, “There is more than one type?”

“Look around,” said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material.

“Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,” replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what are the types?

The saleslady replied, “The Catholic Type. The Salvation Army Type, and the Baptist type. Which One do you need?”

Still confused the man asked, “What is the difference between them?”

The lady responded, “It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, The Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.”

Hatpins

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. “Reverend,” she said, “I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It’s very embarrassing. What should I do?”

“I have an idea,” said the minister. “Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg.”

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. “And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?” he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. “Jesus!”, Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin. “Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones,” said the minister.

Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. “Who is your redeemer?” he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. “God!” Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin. “Right again,” said the minister, smiling.

Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister didn’t notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, “And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?” Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, “You stick that damned thing in me one more time and I’ll break it in half and shove it up your ass!”

“Amen,” replied the congregation.