Sheep Blonde

There was this blonde and she was driving back from the beauty parlor, where she just had her hair dyed black, when she saw a sheep herder and sheep in the middle of the road. She pulled over and said to the sheep herder, “If I can guess how many sheep you have in your flock can I take one home?” The sheep herder being a betting man said, “Yeah sure

Panda Bear

A panda walks into a bar, sits down at the bar and orders some food to eat. He calmly eats all his food until he is finished.

As he gets up he pulls out a gun and fires a few shots into the ceiling. No one is injured but the bartender is furious.

Why the heck did you do that?!” The bartender yells. As he was walking out the door the panda turned around and said: “I’m a panda, look it up.” And he leaves. So the bartender goes into his back room and pulls out his old dictionary. After blowing the dust off it he opens it and finds the entry for “panda.”

It says: “PANDA: native to Asia and a member of the raccoon family. Has black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.”

Interview Rejection

The next time you (or anyone you know) receives a rejection letter after having interviewed for a job, send the following letter back in reply:

Subject: Human Resources

Dear Hiring Manager,

Thank you for your letter of May 16.

After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your department. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your company’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Interviewee

Furniture Business

My cousin Moishe owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses in Miami, a furniture store. I convinced him that he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the merchandise himself, and because he was still single, he could check out all the hot Italian women, and maybe get lucky.

As Moishe was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady … she only spoke Italian and he only spoke English, so neither understood a word the other spoke.

He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi.

She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park.

Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner.

After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening.

It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

Moishe was dumbfounded, and to this day remarks to me that he’s never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.

No Bull

One day on a ranch, a cowboy Dad looks at his daughter up and down as usual to check up on her body. He notices how her feet pointed in and at how she couldn’t walk regular any more. Then it comes to his understanding she’d probably lost her virginity.

The father asks his daughter sternly. She replies “Yes” to losing it. The father madly asks, “Who was it?!! Timmy, John, Greg, or that screwed up child Andy?!!! I don’t want you to give me any bull sh*t either.”

The daughter looks into his eyes and says sofly,”I lost it while riding the mechanical bull. And that’s no bull.”

Very Taxiing Relationship

A man walked out into the street in New York, and managed to flag down a taxi just driving by.

He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Dave.”

The passenger said, “Who?”

The cabbie said, “Dave Bronson. Now there’s a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along just when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave.”

The rider said, “Well, nobody’s perfect.”

The cabbie said, “Dave was. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in golf. He could have played tennis with the best pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. He had a memory like a trap. He could remember everybody’s birthday. He could fix anything, not like me. If I change even a fuse, I black out the whole neighborhood.”

The rider said, “No wonder you remember him.”

The cabbie said, “Well, no I never actually met Dave.”

The rider asked, “Then how do you know so much about him?”

The cabbie exclaimed, “I married his widow!”

Goldfish Funeral

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked,”What are you up to there, Nancy?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your f…..ing cat.

Wagon The Dog

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate. “Hey, Willis,” he called out, “forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I’ll help you overturn the wagon.”

“That’s very nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Dad would like me to.”

“Aw, come on, son!” the farmer insisted.

“Well, OK,” the boy finally agreed, “but Dad won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad’s going to be real upset.”

“Don’t be silly!” said the neighbor. “By the way, where is he?”

“Under the wagon” replied Willis.

Holiday Note

From Brawley friends, Teresa and Van

For Christmas this year, my wife purchased a week of private lessons at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Tawny, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY

Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Tawny waiting for me. (She is something of a goddess with blond hair, dancing eyes, incredibly perky breasts, and a dazzling white smile. WOO HOO!!!)

Tawny gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her aerobic outfit. (I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my own workout today. Very inspiring.) Tawny was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!!

TUESDAY

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Tawny made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air … then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Tawny’s rewarding smile made it all worth while. I feel GREAT!!!

It’s a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the club lot. Tawny was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. (Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning, and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.)

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Tawny put me on the stair monster. (Why in HELL would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?) Tawny told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY

Tawny was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. (I couldn’t help being a half hour late. It took that long for me to tie my damn shoes.) Tawny took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine … which I sank.

FRIDAY

I hate that BITCH Tawny more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. (Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader wannabe BITCH.) If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Tawny wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi Bitch). The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and P.E. teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY

Tawny left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength even to use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the damn weather channel.

SUNDAY

I’m having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun … like a root canal or a vasectomy!