Very Taxiing Relationship

A man walked out into the street in New York, and managed to flag down a taxi just driving by.

He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Dave.”

The passenger said, “Who?”

The cabbie said, “Dave Bronson. Now there’s a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along just when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave.”

The rider said, “Well, nobody’s perfect.”

The cabbie said, “Dave was. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in golf. He could have played tennis with the best pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. He had a memory like a trap. He could remember everybody’s birthday. He could fix anything, not like me. If I change even a fuse, I black out the whole neighborhood.”

The rider said, “No wonder you remember him.”

The cabbie said, “Well, no I never actually met Dave.”

The rider asked, “Then how do you know so much about him?”

The cabbie exclaimed, “I married his widow!”

Goldfish Funeral

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked,”What are you up to there, Nancy?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your f…..ing cat.

Wagon The Dog

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate. “Hey, Willis,” he called out, “forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I’ll help you overturn the wagon.”

“That’s very nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Dad would like me to.”

“Aw, come on, son!” the farmer insisted.

“Well, OK,” the boy finally agreed, “but Dad won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad’s going to be real upset.”

“Don’t be silly!” said the neighbor. “By the way, where is he?”

“Under the wagon” replied Willis.

Holiday Note

From Brawley friends, Teresa and Van

For Christmas this year, my wife purchased a week of private lessons at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Tawny, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY

Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Tawny waiting for me. (She is something of a goddess with blond hair, dancing eyes, incredibly perky breasts, and a dazzling white smile. WOO HOO!!!)

Tawny gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her aerobic outfit. (I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my own workout today. Very inspiring.) Tawny was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!!

TUESDAY

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Tawny made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air … then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Tawny’s rewarding smile made it all worth while. I feel GREAT!!!

It’s a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the club lot. Tawny was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. (Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning, and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.)

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Tawny put me on the stair monster. (Why in HELL would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?) Tawny told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY

Tawny was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. (I couldn’t help being a half hour late. It took that long for me to tie my damn shoes.) Tawny took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine … which I sank.

FRIDAY

I hate that BITCH Tawny more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. (Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader wannabe BITCH.) If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Tawny wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi Bitch). The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and P.E. teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY

Tawny left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength even to use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the damn weather channel.

SUNDAY

I’m having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun … like a root canal or a vasectomy!

Sneezing Disorder

A man and a woman are seated next to each other in First Class on a plane.

The woman sneezes, and then takes a tissue and gently wipes up under her skirt between her legs. The man isn’t sure he actually saw what he saw and decides he is hallucinating. A few minutes pass.

The woman sneezes again, takes a tissue, and gently wipes between her legs. The man is about to go nuts, he can’t believe what he is seeing. A few more minutes pass. When the woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says “Three times you have sneezed, and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs … What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?”

The woman replies, “I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare medical condition, such that when I sneeze I have an orgasm.”

The man, now feeling badly, says, “Oh, I’m sorry. What are you taking for it?”

The woman looks at him and says “Black Pepper”.

Dogs and Men

How Dogs and Men Are the Same

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning
3. Both mark their territory
4. Neither tells you what’s bothering them
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women’s crotches
7. Neither does any dishes
8. Both fart shamelessly
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut
10. Both like dominance games
11. Both are suspicious of the postman
12. Neither understands what you see in cats

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public
2. Dogs miss you when you’re gone
3. Dogs feel guilty when they’ve done something wrong
4. Dogs admit when they’re jealous
5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out
6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)
7. You can train a dog
8. Dogs are easy to buy for
9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there’s a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).
10. Dogs understand what “no” means.
11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

Travelling Salesman

A traveling salesman had been on the road for two months and was finally on his way home. Feeling bad about having been away from his children so long, he decided to buy them a gift. So he stopped by a pet store and bought them a cute little puppy.

Unfortunately, he was stopped on his way in by a stewardess who told him, “I’m sorry sir, but we don’t allow animals.”

In desperation, the man popped into the men’s room and stuffed the puppy down the front of his pants, and put his overcoat on to cover up. Then he reboarded the plane.

The plane took off, and a half-hour later, the stewardess was making her rounds when she noticed that the salesman was looking pale and fidgeting in his seat. She asked if he was alright, and he said that he was just feeling a little airsick.

However, fifteen minutes later, she noticed that he was sweating and squirming his seat. The stewardess came back and asked again if the salesman was alright.

He answered, “Well, actually, you know that puppy that you said I couldn’t bring on the plane? I stuffed it in my pants and brought it onboard anyway.”

“But sir,” said the stewardess, “Why do you look so ill?”

“Well, apparently the darned thing isn’t weaned yet.”

What is a Cat?

1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They’re totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They’re moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.

Conclusion: They’re tiny women in little fur coats!

Learning About Life

The teenager was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it about time that she understood the facts of life.

“Liza,” she began, “I think it would be nice if we had a little chat about how life is formed. As you know, a baby grows in a lady’s tummy and…”

“It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mom,” interrupted the daughter, “but what I really want to know is how to fake an orgasm.”