She Was So Blonde …

… She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

… She thought a quarterback was a refund.

… She tripped over the cordless phone.

… She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to makeup her mind.

… She told someone to meet her at the corner of WALK and DON’T WALK

… She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.

… At the bottom of the application where it says “sign here”, she put Sagittarius.

… If she spoke her mind, she’d be speechless.

… When she heard that 90% of all crimes were around the home, she moved.

… Did you hear about the blonde that got an AM radio? It took her months to figure out she could use it at night.

Two Story House

A man appears before a judge one day, asking for a divorce. The judge quietly reviews some papers and then says, “Please tell me why you are seeking a divorce.”

“Because,” the man says,”I live in a two-story house.”

The Judge replies, “What kind of a reason is that? What is the big deal about a two-story house?”

The man answers, “Well Judge, one story is ‘I have a headache’ and the other story is ‘It’s that time of the month.'”

Don’t Make Me Late

A little boy got up late one Sunday morning and had to hurry to get dressed to go to church. Leaving the house and on the way to church he kept repeating to himself, “Please, God, don’t make me late. Please, God don’t make me late.”

When he arrived at the church he rushed up the steps and fell, he made a huge sigh and looked up at heaven and said, “Jesus Christ, you didn’t have to push me.”

Call a Spade a Spade

The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company’s complaint department to ask for help. “The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.” said the nun.

“Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.”, said the company spokeswoman.

Mother superior then observed, “I think the term they actually use is ‘fucking shovel'”.

Penis Tax

The only thing the IRS hasn’t taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that …

40% of the time, it’s hanging around unemployed;
20% of the time it’s pissed off;
30% of the time it’s hard up; and,
10% of the time it’s in the hole.

On top of this, it has two dependants and they are both nuts.

Accordingly, starting January 1, 2002, penises will be taxed according to size. To determine the category, please consult the chart below and confirm this information on Page 2, Section 7, Line 3, of the standard 1040P form:

10 to 12 inches Luxury Tax —> $50.00
8 to 10 inches Pole Tax –> $30.00
6 to 8 inches Privilege Tax –>$15.00
4 to 6 inches Nuisance Tax –> $5.00

Please Note:
NO CHARGE FOR UNDER FOUR INCHES. EXTENSIONS NOT CURRENTLY AVAILABLE. OVER 12 INCHES MUST FILE CAPITAL GAINS.

Lubes for Masturbation

Cotton or acrylic socks ——————- GOOD
Wool socks ——————————– BAD

Vegetable or food grade mineral oils —— GOOD
Petroleum distillates ——————— BAD

His sister’s silk underwear ————— GOOD
His mom’s leather push-up bra ————- BAD

Butter ———————————— GOOD
Shortening ———–(are you nuts?)—— BAD

Glycerine ——————————— GOOD
Nitro-Glycerine ————————— BAD

Baby Oil ———————————- GOOD
Baby diapers —————————— BAD

Peanut Oil ——————————- GOOD
Peanut Butter —————————- BAD

Lamb’s Wool —————————— GOOD
Steel Wool ——————————- BAD

Aloe Vera ——————————– GOOD
Alum ————————————- VERY GOOD

Castor oil ——————————- GOOD
Castrol GTX —————————— GOOD
Castro ———————————– VERY BAD

Silk ————————————- GOOD
Slik 50 ———————————- BAD

Hand ————————————- GOOD
Sand ————————————- BAD

Lubriderm ——————————– GOOD
Pachyderm ——————————– BAD

Coppertone ——————————- GOOD
Copper Sulfate ————————— BAD

Powdered Graphite ———————– GOOD
Graphite Fibers ————————– BAD

Teflon ———————————– GOOD
Epoxy ———————————— BAD

Olive Oil ——————————– GOOD
Olive Oyl ——————————– VERY BAD

Long Memory

Three guys are debating who has the best memory.

First guy says, “I can remember the first day of my First Grade class.”

Second guy says, “I can remember my first day at Nursery School!”

Not to be outdone, the third guy says, “Hell, that’s nothing. I can remember going to the senior prom with my father, and coming home with my mother.”

Signs You Aren’t a Kid Anymore

You can live without sex but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age … and isn’t breaking any laws.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You make an appointment to see the dentist.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

Neighbors borrow your tools.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

You answer a question with, “Because I said so!”

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word “equity” means.

You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

I Know The Whole Truth

At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying,
“I know the whole truth.”

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your real father a big hug.”

Definitions

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

GOSSIP:
A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MYTH:
A female moth.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed.

WRINKLES:
Something other people have …You have character lines.