$100 from God

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00.

Playing Church

A man came home and saw his children along with a group of the neighborhood children gathered around the front steps. He asked what it was they were doing. “We’re playing church.” one said.

The puzzled Father inquired further and was told, “Well, we’ve already sung, prayed and listened to the sermon. Now, we’re all outside smoking.”

I’m a Lesbian

There was a drunk sitting in a local tavern when a drop dead gorgeous lady walked in and sat the other end of the bar from him. He said to the bartender, “Give that babe a drink on me.”

The bartender replied, “Sure, but don’t count on anything from it, she happens to be a lesbian.”

Being too drunk to even think straight, the guy decided to strike up a conversation with the lady and, approaching her stated, “I hear you are from lesbia. Correcting him she told him there was no such place and that she was a lesbian.

Unable to make him understand that it was a lifestyle, she offered an example. “Do you see that young lady in the corner?”

“Yes,” he says.

“What I would like to do to her is to take her home, remove her shirt, fondle her lovely breasts and then make love to her all night.”

With this, the drunk broke down and started to cry.
“What is the matter?” She asked.

The drunk said through his tears, “I think I am a lesbian too.”

Stag Party

A man was to be married and his friends threw him a stag party. As usual there was much drinking and merriment. As the evening wore on, the man was dancing nude and hit his erect penis on the fireplace, knocking himself out.

Concerned, his friends took him to the hospital. Following an examination, the emergency room physician told them that their friend’s condition was stable, that he was bruised and sore, that the medical term for his injury was complicated but in layman terms, “He had broken his prick.” They shouldn’t worry though, because he had supported the injured part with four tongue depressors neatly bound with tape.

The next day, the wedding was flawless and the bride was unaware of any problems. In their honeymoon suite, the bride was spread-eagled on the bed when her husband emerged from the bathroom and she said, “Come and get it, Honey, it’s all yours. I’m untouched by any other, this is pure virgin wool.”

The groom smiled and dropped his pajamas as he said to her, “Yeah? Well, check this out, Babe, still in the crate!”

What Is It?

A well dressed guy went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. The guy leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, “Well, it looks like plastic.” Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, “But it feels like rubber.”

Curious, the guy asked, “What do you have there?”

The drunk replied, “Damned if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”

The guy said, “Let me take a look.”

So the drunk handed it over. The guy rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely. “Yeah, it does look like plastic and feels like rubber, but I don’t know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?”

The drunk replied, “Out of my nose.”

Love

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

Firetruck

A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that little Johnny was wearing a red fire man’s hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever.

When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog’s testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.

Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, “That’s really a nice fire engine you have there son, but I’ll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck.”

“Yeah,” Johnny replied, “but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”

Do You Know …

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defence attorney?” She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counsellors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!”

Cigarettes for the Wife

A man’s wife asked him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walked down to the store only to find it closed.

He went into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he saw a beautiful woman and started talking to her. I mean she was a knock out. She looked a lot like Karyn, she was tall, radiant, and very funny. Well, so they had a couple of beers, one thing lead to another and before too long, they ended up in her apartment. I mean how could he resist such a women.

They had the most incredible, most sensual sexual experience. It was amazing. After they’d had made love for hours, the man realized it was 3:00 a.m. and said, “Oh no … its so late, my wife’s going to kill me! Have you got any talcum powder?”

She thought to herself, talcum powder, what does he want with that? But she gave him some anyway, which he proceeded to rub on his hands and then he went home.

When he got home, his wife was waiting for him in the doorway, and boy was she ever mad.

“Where the hell have you been?” she yelled at him.

“Well, honey, its like this. Honey, you know I love you, I can’t lie to you. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to get you cigarettes out of the vending machine.

While I was there, I met this most amazing women. She was so beautiful and well we had a few drinks, and then one thing led to another and I ended going back to her place, and honey, I’m sorry …

I’ve been unfaithful to you. I went to bed with another women”

“Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!” exclaimed his wife. She saw his hands covered with talcum powder and she said, “You damn liar!!! You went bowling again, didn’t you!!”