Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn’t. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, “Hurry up! It’s starting to rain and the top is down.”
Blind Date
Joe sets up Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Michael is a little worried about going out with someone he’s never seen before.
“What do I do if she’s ugly?” says Mike, “I’ll be stuck with her all night.”
“Don’t worry,” Joe says, “just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see then everything goes as planned. If you don’t just shout Aaaaaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack.”
So that night, Mike knocks at the girl’s door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is.
He’s about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts … “Aaaaaauuuggghhh!”
Lost Sex Drive
This little old lady goes to the doctor to tell him that she suspected that her husband had lost his sex drive. The doc thought that the lady was a little senile, and asked her a couple of questions. “How old are you?”
“I’m 88,” came the reply.
“And how old is your husband?”
“He’s 93,” she said.
Thinking that he was really on to something here, his next question was, “Tell me, when did you first notice that your husband lost his drive?”
The lady answered, “Last night, and again this morning.”
Senior Citizen Driver
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!”
“Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”
Morning Ritual
This British explorer is in the dark jungle, going where no Western man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and trouble-shooter in one. One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man engaged in “playful activities” with ten beautiful, dark, young women, who are all in the nude. The young man had the biggest, strongest penis the British Explorer had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was?
“He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir,” came the reply. “This is his morning ritual.”
“Ask him,” the awed Brit said to his companion, “how did his penis get to be this size?”
The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.
“Well, what did he say?” asked our hero to his assistant on his return.
“He said, ‘There’s nothing wrong with my penis. Doesn’t the white man’s shrink in cold water?’
18 Basic Rules for Driving in Washington, DC
(1) A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in, before hitting construction barrels.
(2) Turn signals are just clues as to your next move in road battle, so never use them.
(3) Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you no matter how fast you’re going. If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
(4) The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.
(5) Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work. (Remember no-fault insurance: He might not have much to lose, you do.)
(6) Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your anti-lock braking system kicks in to give you a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.
(7) Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the exit before the traffic begins to back up.
(8) The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information, just to make DC look progressive.
(9) Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It’s a good way to scare people entering the highway.
(10) Speed limits are arbitrary figures to make our nation’s Capitol look as if it conforms with other state policies; these are given only as suggestions and are readily unenforceable.
(11) Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a Beltway driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.
(12) Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in downtown DC.
(13) Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even a person changing a tire. If you’re lucky, you may see the unwitting breakdown victim get mugged. (The proceeds of such ventures are vested directly into the Democratic front-runner’s campaign for Mayor).
(14) Learn to swerve abruptly. The DC / Metro area is the home of the high-speed slalom driving thanks to VDOT, who put potholes in key locations to test drivers’ reflexes and keep them on their toes.
(15) It is traditional in DC to honk your horn at cars that don’t move the instant the light changes. The city is founded upon such traditions.
(16) Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
(17) Giving the finger may invite armed retaliation.
(18) All unmarked exits lead to Southeast DC.
Shoot The Wife
“So let me get this straight,” the prosecutor says to the defendant, “you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man.”
“That’s correct,” says the defendant.
“Upon which,” continues the prosecutor, “you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her.”
“That’s correct,” says the defendant.
“Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?” asked the prosecutor.
“It seemed easier,” replied the defendant, “than shooting a different man every day!”
If Men Ruled The World
1. Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to “I love you.”
2. Hallmark would make “Sorry, what was your name again?” cards.
3. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she would appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a half time.
4. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the bum would pretty much do it.
5. Birth control would come in ale or lager.
6. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
7. “Sorry I’m late, but I got hammered last night” would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
8. It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
9. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the “public ugliness” ordinance.
10. Tanks would be far easier to rent.
11. Instead of a beer belly, you’d get “beer biceps.”
12. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, “You’re #1!”
13. Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years.
14. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks.
15. Two words: Ally McNaked.
16. The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
17. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
18. It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
19. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
20. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-alec answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in:
Cop: “You know how fast you were going?”
You: “All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place.”
Cop: “Nice one. That’s $10 off.”
21. Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
22. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
Where Are We?
Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town’s name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee, “Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are … very slowly?”
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, “Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing.”
Memory Loss
Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, “You know, I’m getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn’t remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down.”
The second lady says, “You think that’s bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn’t remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!”
The third lady smiles smugly. “Well, my memory’s just as good as it’s always been, knock on wood.” She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, “Who’s there?”