You Might Be White Trash If …

You think quality TV is “The Simpsons” or “America’s Funniest Videos”.

You still own, admire, or listen to any CD by Madonna.

You log onto the Internet and download images because they give you the same sensation as a real naked woman.

Your Web site features schlock pictures, such as trashy women, but you confuse those pics for “art”.

You take Jerry Springer or “South Park” way too seriously.

Any of your steps towards financial independence involve letters to and from Ed McMahon.

Your knowledge of Native American culture is limited to the games offered at a local casino.

You’ve never thought of Cher as “campy.”

Your idea of “high-end shopping” is charging to your K-Mart credit card.

You give a damn about the Energizer bunny.

You’ve ever missed work waiting on the sidewalk for a special edition of Playboy.

Rosie O’Donnell is your favorite no-discernable-talent star.

Your home is an archive of old TV Guides.

You consider the grocery store checkout’s magazine rack a “library.”

You can’t understand how Nirvana’s songs ended up in the ash heap of irrelevancy like they did.

A redneck has ever criticized you for having bad taste.

You’re not ashamed to admit you like Lilith Fair and you’re not a lesbian.

It doesn’t make sense to you to use “Ellen DeGeneres” and “tacky” in the same sentence.

You really, really love these jokes or you’re really, really offended by them.

Out Playing Golf

One Day when Jesus and Moses were out playing golf, they decided to have a contest to see who could make the most outstanding shot.

Moses decided to go first. He hammered his shot straight for the green. Unfortunately, the ball fell into a water hazard. Undaunted, Moses raised his arms to the sky and the water parted. The ball rolled out of the water and ended up only a foot away from its goal.

Jesus looked at Moses and said, “Hey Moses, that was a pretty good show. Now let me see what I can do.” Jesus took his shot and sent the ball screaming toward the green. Unfortunately, Jesus’ ball headed straight for the water hazard. Jesus held out one hand, and instead of the ball dropping into the water, it bounced on top of the water, rolled up on the green only three inches from the cup.

Moses said, “Wow, that was an incredible shot!” No sooner had Moses said this, when the skies grew dark and the wind started to pick up. Lightning and thunder crackled through the sky. Suddenly a ball fell from the sky into the same water hazard. Just as quickly, a fish came by and swallowed the ball. An eagle flying overhead swooped down, grabbed the fish with his talons, and headed for the now darkened sky. Just as the eagle was about to leave, lightning struck the eagle and he dropped the fish onto the green. The fish opened his mouth, the ball rolled out and dropped into the hole.

Then Moses turned to Jesus and said, “Man! I hate it when your Dad plays along!”

Stupid Farmhand

“HOW DID IT HAPPEN?” the doctor asked the middle-aged farmhand as he set the man’s broken leg.

“Well, doc, 25 years ago …”

“Never mind the past. Tell me how you broke your leg this morning.”

“Like I was saying … 25 years ago, when I first started working on the farm, that night, right after I’d gone to bed, the farmer’s beautiful daughter came into my room. She asked me if there was anything I wanted.

I said, “No, everything is fine.”

“Are you sure?” she asked.

“I’m sure,” I said.

“Isn’t there anything I can do for you?” she wanted to know.

“I reckon not,” I replied.

“Excuse me,” said the doctor, “What does this 25 year old story have to do with your leg?”

“Well, this morning,” the farmhand explained, “when it dawned on me what she meant, I fell off the roof!”

100 Camels

As US tourists in Israel, a man and his wife were sitting outside a Bethlehem souvenir shop, waiting for fellow tourists, an Arab salesman approached them loaded with belts.

After an impassioned sales talk yielded no results, he asked where they were from.

“America,” the husband replied.

Looking at her dark hair and olive skin, the Arab responded, “She’s not from the States.”

“Yes I am.” said the wife. He looked at her and asked. “Is he your husband?” “Yes.” she replied.

Turning to the husband, he offered … “I’ll give you 100 camels for her.” The husband looked stunned, and there was a long silence. Finally he replied, “She’s not for sale.”

After the salesman left, the somewhat indignant wife asked her husband what took him so long to answer, to which the husband replied, “I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.”

Legal Questioning

Lawyer: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
Doctor: No.

Lawyer: Did you check for blood pressure?
Doctor: No.

Lawyer: Did you check for breathing?
Doctor: No.

Lawyer: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
Doctor: No.

Lawyer: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
Doctor: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Lawyer: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
Doctor: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

Pancakes

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'”

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”

Mildred

Poor Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

“On a woman,” the doctor said, “your heart would be just below your left breast.”

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

The Legless Parrot

A guy decides that maybe he’d like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, “Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?”

The parrot answers the guy’s question, “I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.” “Ha, ha,” the guy laughs. “It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me.”

“I understood every word,” says the parrot. “I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.”

“Oh, yeah?” the guy asks. “Then answer this : how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?”

“Well,” the parrot says, “this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I’ll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can’t see it cause of my feathers.”

“Wow,” says the guy, “you really can understand and answer, can’t you?”

“Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy … and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion.”

The guy looks at the price tag. $200. He says. “I can’t afford that.”

“Pssst,” the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. “Nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can get me for $20, just make an offer.” The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He’s funny, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, sympathises, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, “Pssst,” and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not,” says the parrot, “but it’s about your wife and the mailman …”

“What?” says the guy. “What?”

“Well,” the parrot says, “when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth.”

“What happened then?” asks the guy.

“Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over,” reports the parrot.

“My God!!” the guy says. “Then what?”

“Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts slowly going down and down …” The parrot pauses for a long time …

“What happened? What happened?” says the frantic guy.

“I don’t know,” says the parrot, “My dick got hard and I fell off my perch.”

Normal Sex Life

A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. “You’ll be fine,” he said.

She asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. “What’s the matter Doctor? I will be alright, won’t I?”

He replied, “Yes, you’ll be fine, Miss Lewinsky. It’s just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.”

Christian Preachers

Three Christian preachers and their wives were on a tour of the Middle East, when a land mine destroyed their bus and killed them. The three couples found themselves on a golden path which led to St. Peter’s desk just outside the pearly gates. On his desk was a giant book and two buttons — one red, one white.

The first couple approached the desk and the man proudly proclaimed that he was a minister of the gospel. St. Peter said, “Okay, but I’ve got to find you in the book first. Lessee … Yes, it says here you were a preacher, but it also says you were obsessed with MONEY. You loved money far more than you loved God. You even married a woman named Penny!”

St. Peter pushed the red button. A trapdoor opened and the couple fell screaming down to Hell.

The second couple approached and the man again proudly proclaimed that he was a minister of the gospel. St. Peter looked him up in the book and said, “Okay, but it says here you were obsessed with LIQUOR. You loved alcohol far more than you loved God. You even married a woman named Brandy!”

St. Peter pushed the red button. A trapdoor opened and the couple fell screaming down to Hell.

The third preacher turned around, took his wife by the arm and said, “Come on, Fanny, let’s see if we can find the stairs.”