It’s two o’clock in the morning and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says, “Hello?… How the hell do I know? What am I, the weather man?” and promptly slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, “Who was that?” The husband replies, “I don’t know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.”
One day a blonde woman phones to a major company asking for a Mr. Smith. The receptionist who happens to be blonde also answers the phone.
“Hi,” said the blonde woman. “Is Mr. Smith there?”
The blonde receptionist is quite shaken but responds that Mr. Smith had died several months earlier.
“Well, is his son there?” asks the blonde woman.
“Yes. One moment …”
Bill’s barn burned down, and his wife Polly called the insurance company.
Polly told the insurance company, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.”
The agent replied, “Hold on just a minute, Polly. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of what was insured and provide you with a new barn of comparable worth.”
There was a long pause before Polly replied, “Then I’d like to cancel my husbands life insurance.”
A truck driver who has been delivering radioactive waste for the local reactor begins to feel sick after a few years on the job. He then seeks to be compensated for this ailment. Appearing at the Worker’s Compensation Department, he is interviewed by an assessor. The assessor asks several questions in relation to the claim.
Assessor: I see you work with radioactive materials and wish to claim compensation.
Trucker: Yeah, I feel really sick.
Assessor: Alright then, Does your employer take measures to protect you from radiation poisoning?
Trucker: Yeah, he gives me a lead suit to wear on the job.
Assessor: And what about the cabin in which you drive?
Trucker: Oh yeah. That’s lead lined, all lead lined.
Assessor: What about the waste itself? Where is that kept?
Trucker: Oh, the stuff is held in a lead container, all lead.
Assessor: Let me see if I get this straight. You wear a lead suit, sit in a lead-lined cabin and the radioactive waste is kept in a lead container.
Trucker: Yeah, that’s right all lead
Assessor: Then I can’t see how you could claim against him for radiation poisoning.
Trucker: I’m not. I claiming for lead poisoning.
A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent. Hoping to get her into bed he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.
He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, “Oh, Sherry by all means. To me it’s the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I’m lifted on the wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I’m about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I’m transported into another world.
“On the other hand, Port makes me fart.”
A Minister noted that he was losing the attention of especially the young people in his audience, so he decided to prepare a sermon for the following Sunday on the topic of water-skiing.
He sat for absolutely ages preparing and eventually came up with only one paragraph of information. His wife advised him that she wouldn’t be attending church on Sunday if he insisted on going ahead and making a fool of himself.
Late on Saturday evening, and without advising his wife, he changed his mind and dug up a sermon which had always met with great success on the topic of sex in marriage.
Anyway, his wife didn’t attend his sermon on the Sunday, but, after church, two old ladies who had attended were having a conversation with the Minister’s wife and told her what a brilliant sermon her husband had given and how much they had enjoyed it.
She was quite astonished and said: “I’m really surprised, because he doesn’t know anything about the topic. He’s only tried it twice – the first time he fell off and the second time he felt nauseous”.
It was a dark, stormy, night. The Marine was on his first assignment, and it was guard duty.
A General stepped out taking his dog for a walk. The nervous young Private snapped to attention, made a perfect salute, and snapped out “Sir, Good Evening, Sir!”
The General, out for some relaxation, returned the salute and said, “Good evening soldier, nice night, isn’t it?”
Well it wasn’t a nice night, but the Private wasn’t going to disagree with the General, so the he saluted again and replied, “Sir, Yes Sir!”.
The General continued, “You know there’s something about a stormy night that I find soothing, it’s really relaxing. Don’t you agree?”
The Private didn’t agree, but then the private was just a private, and responded, “Sir, Yes Sir!”
The General, pointing at the dog, “This is a Golden Retriever, the best type of dog to train.”
The Private glanced at the dog, saluted yet again and said “Sir, Yes Sir!”
The General continued, “I got this dog for my wife.”
The Private simply said, “Good trade Sir!”
A blonde walks into an elevator and says to the guy in there, “T-G-I-F”. He says, “no S-H-I-T”. She says, “no T-G-I-F”. He says, no “S-H-I-T”. She says, “no” with a big smile on her face, “T-G-I-F”. He says, “no” with a big smile on his face, “S-H-I-T”. She says, “no, T-G-I-F, Thank God It’s Friday”. He says, “no, S-H-I-T, Sorry Hon It’s Thursday”.
An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.
He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler. He gave her his name. In a VERY LOUD VOICE the receptionist said, “YES, I SEE YOUR NAME HERE… YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?”
All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, “NO, I’VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE OPERATION … AND I’D LIKE THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS!”
A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, “Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!”
The golfer, annoyed, says, “What is it?”
“It’s a special golf ball,” says the salesman. “You can never lose it!”
“Whattaya mean,” scoffs the golfer, “you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?”
“No problem,” says the salesman. “It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it.”
“Well, what if you hit it into the woods?”
“Easy,” says the salesman. “It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed.”
“Okay,” says the golfer, impressed. “But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?”
“No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I’m telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!”
The golfer buys it at once. “Just one question,” he says to the salesman. “Where did you get it?”
“I found it.”