Tag: Story



Interview Rejection

The next time you (or anyone you know) receives a rejection letter after having interviewed for a job, send the following letter back in reply:

Subject: Human Resources

Dear Hiring Manager,

Thank you for your letter of May 16.

After careful consideration, I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me a position in your department. This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates, it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite your company’s outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore, I will assume the position in your department this August. I look forward to seeing you then.

Best of luck in rejecting future applicants.

Sincerely,
Interviewee

Panda Bear

A panda walks into a bar, sits down at the bar and orders some food to eat. He calmly eats all his food until he is finished.

As he gets up he pulls out a gun and fires a few shots into the ceiling. No one is injured but the bartender is furious.

Why the heck did you do that?!” The bartender yells. As he was walking out the door the panda turned around and said: “I’m a panda, look it up.” And he leaves. So the bartender goes into his back room and pulls out his old dictionary. After blowing the dust off it he opens it and finds the entry for “panda.”

It says: “PANDA: native to Asia and a member of the raccoon family. Has black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.”

Sheep Blonde

There was this blonde and she was driving back from the beauty parlor, where she just had her hair dyed black, when she saw a sheep herder and sheep in the middle of the road. She pulled over and said to the sheep herder, “If I can guess how many sheep you have in your flock can I take one home?” The sheep herder being a betting man said, “Yeah sure

Very Taxiing Relationship

A man walked out into the street in New York, and managed to flag down a taxi just driving by.

He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Dave.”

The passenger said, “Who?”

The cabbie said, “Dave Bronson. Now there’s a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along just when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Dave.”

The rider said, “Well, nobody’s perfect.”

The cabbie said, “Dave was. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in golf. He could have played tennis with the best pros. He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star. He had a memory like a trap. He could remember everybody’s birthday. He could fix anything, not like me. If I change even a fuse, I black out the whole neighborhood.”

The rider said, “No wonder you remember him.”

The cabbie said, “Well, no I never actually met Dave.”

The rider asked, “Then how do you know so much about him?”

The cabbie exclaimed, “I married his widow!”

No Bull

One day on a ranch, a cowboy Dad looks at his daughter up and down as usual to check up on her body. He notices how her feet pointed in and at how she couldn’t walk regular any more. Then it comes to his understanding she’d probably lost her virginity.

The father asks his daughter sternly. She replies “Yes” to losing it. The father madly asks, “Who was it?!! Timmy, John, Greg, or that screwed up child Andy?!!! I don’t want you to give me any bull sh*t either.”

The daughter looks into his eyes and says sofly,”I lost it while riding the mechanical bull. And that’s no bull.”

Furniture Business

My cousin Moishe owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses in Miami, a furniture store. I convinced him that he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the merchandise himself, and because he was still single, he could check out all the hot Italian women, and maybe get lucky.

As Moishe was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady … she only spoke Italian and he only spoke English, so neither understood a word the other spoke.

He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi.

She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park.

Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner.

After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening.

It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

Moishe was dumbfounded, and to this day remarks to me that he’s never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.

Wagon The Dog

A farm boy accidentally overturned his wagonload of wheat on the road. The farmer that lived nearby came to investigate. “Hey, Willis,” he called out, “forget your troubles for a while and come and have dinner with us. Then I’ll help you overturn the wagon.”

“That’s very nice of you,” Willis answered, “but I don’t think Dad would like me to.”

“Aw, come on, son!” the farmer insisted.

“Well, OK,” the boy finally agreed, “but Dad won’t like it.”

After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked the host. “I feel a lot better now, but I know Dad’s going to be real upset.”

“Don’t be silly!” said the neighbor. “By the way, where is he?”

“Under the wagon” replied Willis.

Goldfish Funeral

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked,”What are you up to there, Nancy?”

“My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”

The neighbor was concerned, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your f…..ing cat.

Sneezing Disorder

A man and a woman are seated next to each other in First Class on a plane.

The woman sneezes, and then takes a tissue and gently wipes up under her skirt between her legs. The man isn’t sure he actually saw what he saw and decides he is hallucinating. A few minutes pass.

The woman sneezes again, takes a tissue, and gently wipes between her legs. The man is about to go nuts, he can’t believe what he is seeing. A few more minutes pass. When the woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle. He turns to the woman and says “Three times you have sneezed, and three times you’ve taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs … What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?”

The woman replies, “I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare medical condition, such that when I sneeze I have an orgasm.”

The man, now feeling badly, says, “Oh, I’m sorry. What are you taking for it?”

The woman looks at him and says “Black Pepper”.