Two poor kids were invited by a rich kid to a swimming party at his pool. When they were changing into their swim trunks, one turned to the other and said, “Did you notice the small dicks on the rich kids?”
The other answered, “Yeah! It’s probably because they have real toys to play with!”
Billy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desparately needed to go to the bathroom.
So, Billy raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked Billy to be quick. Five minutes later Billy returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. “I can’t find it,” he admitted.
The teacher sat Billy down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. Billy looked at the diagram, said “yes” and goes on his way. Well five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher “I can’t find it”.
Frustrated, the teacher asked Tommy, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.
So Tommy and Billy go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Tommy, “Well, did you find it?”
Tommy is quick with his reply: “Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards.”
The teenager was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it about time that she understood the facts of life.
“Liza,” she began, “I think it would be nice if we had a little chat about how life is formed. As you know, a baby grows in a lady’s tummy and…”
“It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mom,” interrupted the daughter, “but what I really want to know is how to fake an orgasm.”
An MG pulled alongside a Rolls-Royce at the traffic lights. “Do you have a car phone?” its driver asked the man in the Rolls.
“Of course I do” was the haughty reply.
“Do you have a fax machine?”
The Rolls driver sighed. “I have that too.”
“Do you have a double bed in the back?” the MG driver wanted to know. Ashen-faced, the Rolls driver sped off.
That afternoon, he had a mechanic install a double bed in his car.
A week later, the Rolls driver passed the same MG, parked on the side of the road with its back windows fogged up and steam pouring out. The arrogant driver pulled over, got out of the Rolls and banged on the MG’s rear window. “I want you to know that I’ve had a double bed installed” bragged the Rolls driver.
The MG driver rolled his window down and frowned at the Rolls driver. “You got me out of the shower to tell me that?”
A man was in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. Every time the kite went up into the air, it came crashing down. This went on for a while until his wife stuck her head out of the front door and yelled, “You need more tail!”
The father yelled back, “Screw You, I told you yesterday that I needed more tail, … and you told me to go fly a kite!”
There are many stories related to the sinking of the “Titanic.” Some have just come to light due to the success of the recent movie. For example, most people don’t know that in 1912 Hellman’s mayonnaise was manufactured in England. The “Titanic” was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate at the loss. So much so that they declared a National day of mourning, which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as … Sinko de Mayo.
A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: “For Women Only”.
Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.
The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. “We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It’s easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what’s inside.”
So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: “All the men here have it short and thin.” The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.
The sign on the second floor reads: “All the men here have it long and thin.” Still, this isn’t good enough so the friends continue on up.
They reach the third floor and the sign reads: “All the men here have it short and thick.”
They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.
On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: “All the men here have it long and thick.” The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left.
Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.
There they find a sign that reads: “There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman.”
The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words “open me first” and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.
He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying: “These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third.”
The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.
Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.
After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the three envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: “Blame me, your predecessor for everything”.
Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody’s happy.
A few month later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, “Blame the government for everything”.
It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.
A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, “Prepare four new envelopes”.
Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar, where Mick bragged to Sean: “You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister.”
“Well,” Sean replied, “between you and me, we got ’em all.”
One day a blonde in a red corvette was driving down a road swirving all over the place. A cop saw her and pulled her over.
He said, “Miss, may I please see your license and registration?”
“What’s that?” said the blonde.
“Well, one you keep in your glove box and the other you keep in your wallet.”
“Okay.” After looking around for a while, she finds them and shows them to the cop.
“Will you please step out of the vehicle?” said the cop. He then draws a line on the sidewalk with chalk. He says, “Get in that circle and don’t get out until I tell you to.” So she gets in the circle and he starts looking around in the car. He accidentally dents it and she laughs.
He says,”What you think that’s funny?” She just keeps on laughing.
So he goes over and kicks the door to make an even bigger dent. She laughs even harder. So then he goes over to all the tires and pokes them with his pen to flatten them. She kept right on laughing. So, not knowing what she was laughing at, he goes over and smashes all the windows. She laughed longer and harder. He says,”My God! What’s the matter with you? I just wrecked your whole car and your laughing!”
The blonde says, “What you didn’t know was, the four times you weren’t looking, I stepped out of the circle.”