Tag: Story


The Code

A husband and wife decided they needed to use “a code” to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it. They decided on the word “typewriter”.

One day the husband told his five-year old daughter, “Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter”.

The child told her mom what dad said and her mother responded, “Tell your daddy that he can’t type a letter right now because there’s red ribbon in the typewriter.” The child went back to tell her father what mommy had said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter, “Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.” The child told her father, and then returned to her mother and announced, “Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.”

Drunk Baptism

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.

He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?”

The drunk looks back and says, “Yess, Preacher … I sure am.”

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked.

“Nooo, I didn’t!” said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?”

“Noooo, I did not Reverend.”

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?”

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher … “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

Extra Boob

After three weeks in the garden, God came to visit Eve.

“How is everything going, Eve?” He asked.

“It is all so beautiful, God,” she replied. “The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells … the sights … everything is wonderful. I just have this one problem. It’s these three breasts you’ve given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes, they’re a real bother,” Eve said.

“That’s a fair point,” replied God, “But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave animals what, six? So I just figured you’d need at least half that many. But I see that you are right. I’ll fix that up right away!”

God reaches down and removes the middle breast, tossing it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. “Well, Eve, how’s my favorite creation today?” He asked.

“Fantastic, except for one small oversight on your part,” she replied. “You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has her ram, the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate, except me. I feel so alone.”

God thought for a moment. “You know, Eve, you’re right. How could I have overlooked this! You do need a mate and I will immediately create Man from a part of you.”

“Now, let’s see … where did I leave that useless boob?”

The Couple

A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.”

The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90.

Human Resources Memo

TO: All Employees
FROM: Human Resources
SUBJECT: Foul Language
DATE: February 28, 2000

It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals through out the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer be tolerated. We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.

Therefore, a list of “TRY SAYING” new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No fucking way

TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be shitting me!

TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with …
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING: Of course I’m concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the fuck?

TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This shit won’t work.

TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?

TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat shit and die.

TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: Fuck it, I’m on salary.

TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.

TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.

TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another fucking meeting!

TRY SAYING: I don’t think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don’t give a shit.

TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a prick.

TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a ball-busting bitch.

TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing.

Thank You,
Human Resources

Christmas Dinner

A family was sitting down to Christmas dinner when suddenly there’s a knock on the door so the father get’s up to answer it. He open’s the door and this snail asks him if he has anything for Christmas.

“No” replies the father and he kicks the snail down the street.

The following year the same thing happens, so the father opens the door and the snail says to him, “What did you do that for?”

Blind Blonde

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, “Wanna hear a blonde joke?”

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I’m a 6′ tall, 200 lb black belt and blonde. The guy sitting next to me is 6’2″, weighs 225 pounds and he’s a rugby player and blonde. The fella to your right is 6’5″ pushing 300 and he’s a wrestler and blonde. Think about it, Mister.

You still wanna tell that joke?”

The blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times.”

Minister’s Baby

The new minister’s wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family.

The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it.

When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again.

Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood and shouted out, “Having children is an act of God!”

An older man in the back stood and shouted back, “Rain and snow are acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them.”

The Check Up

A fortyish woman was naked and jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her. He watches her for a while and says, “You look ridiculous! What on earth do you think you are doing?”

She says, “I just had my check-up and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year old.” She starts laughing and jumping again.

He says, “Yeah, right, and what did he say about your 41 year old ass?”

“Your name never came up” she replied.

WHAT IF “DEAR ABBY” WAS A MAN …

Dear Abner:
My boyfriend still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I’m afraid he will not be faithful.
– “Worried.”

Dear Worried:
A man’s capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy your boyfriend a Ranger bass boat and cook him a nice meal and don’t mention this aspect of his behavior.

Dear Abner:
My fiance has too many nights out with “the boys.”
– “Alone.”

Dear Alone:
This is perfectly natural behavior and should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home. Best thing to do is to buy your fiance a new hunting rifle and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Abner:
My husband wants to experience menage-a-trois with me and my sister. This seems wrong; what should I do?
– “Monogamous.”

Dear Mono:
Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the next best thing: your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family together. Why not get some cousins involved?

If you are still apprehensive, then let him go with your relatives, buy him a Rolex watch and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Abner:
My boyfriend continually asks me to perform oral sex on him, but I was always taught this was a nasty, slutty act done only in back seats at the Drive-In.
– “Closed Mouth.”

Dear Closed:
Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting but has only ten calories-per-teaspoonful. It is nutritious, helps you to keep your figure, increases your breast size and gives a great glow to the skin.

Interestingly, a man instinctively knows this. His offer to allow you to perform fellatio (the scientific term) on him is totally selfless. Oral sex is excruciating for a man; just look up at his face as you are performing to observe this. This sacrifice of pain shows he loves you.

Best thing to do is to gratefully thank your boyfriend, buy him a pair of handmade rattlesnake cowboy boots and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Abner:
My fiance goes straight to sleep after making love.
We have no time to talk.
– “Talkless in Tacoma.”

Dear Talkless:
Sexual intercourse is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is and the more rest he needs. Stop putting pressure on him.

Buy your fiance a four-carat diamond tie-tack and cook him a nice meal.

Dear Abner:
My husband’s efforts at lovemaking only last sixty seconds.
– “Minute Man’s Wife.”

Dear Minute’s:
Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control himself. In fact, the shorter the ‘effort’ the more he loves you.

Return this love by buying him a full set of Sears Craftsman power tools and cooking him a nice meal.

Dear Abner:
My boyfriend is uninterested in foreplay; help.
– “Wham-Bam-Thank-you-Ma’am.”

Dear Wham:
Foreplay, to a man, is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love him as much as he loves you. You should be as ready as he is for lovemaking-Why must he work at getting you “in the mood” if you are truly devoted? Abandon this old wives’ tale. Make it up to your boyfriend by buying the biggest chain saw on the market and cooking a nice meal.

Dear Abner:
My fiance has never given me an orgasm.
– “Frustrated.”

Dear Frustrated:
The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a danger to the family unit. Don’t mention it again to your fiance and show your love to him by buying a Harley-Davidson Sportster … and don’t forget to cook him a delicious meal.