Tag: Story



The New Tattoo

A guy gets home late one night and his wife says, “Where the hell have you been?”

“I was out getting a tattoo.”

“A tattoo? What kind of tattoo did you get?”

“I got a hundred dollar bill on my penis.”

What the hell were you thinking? Why did you get a hundred dollar bill on your penis?”

“Well, number one, I like to watch my money grow … Number two, once in a while, I like to play with my money … And lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.”

RHIP

The plane’s cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and said to the passengers, “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays that would be super.”

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that one woman hadn’t moved a muscle. “Perhaps you didn’t hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.”

She calmly turned her head and said, “In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one.”

“Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country, I’m called a Queen, so I outrank you. Put the tray up, Bitch.”

Natural Blonde?

A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.

“Where are you hurting?”, asked the Dr. “You have to help me, I hurt all over,” she said.

“All over? Be a little more specific” said the Doctor.

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled. “Ouch, that hurts.” Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “That hurts, too.”

Then she touched her right earlobe, “That even hurts” she cried.

The Doctor looked at her thoughtfully for a moment and asked, “Are you a natural blonde?”

“Why, yes,” she said.

“I thought so,” said the doctor, “You have a broken finger.”

The Young Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He’s going through his usual run of silly blonde jokes when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says, “OK jerk, I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What do a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person … because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large … all in the name of humor.”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up, “You stay out of this mister, I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!”

Doing The Laundry

An elderly couple had a happy marriage and what made it so very good was that they had invented a phrase to describe the act of love, so that there was never any vulgarity in their talk. Their metaphor for the act of love was “Doing the Laundry.”

One day when Cora Jean, the wife, was vacuuming the living room, Tom Sam, the husband, was watching her with great interest. She was bending over to get dirt from the corners of the room, and stretching up to get dust from the tall lamps. Tom Sam was watching with great interest.

Then Tom Sam said to Cora Jean, “Darling, how about if we do a little laundry?”

Cora Jean said, with reluctance, “Sweetheart, I just have to get this house ready for our guests this weekend.” So then she continued her cleaning, and Tom Sam went off about his business.

That night when they went to bed, Cora Jean said, “Sweetheart, what about that laundry you mentioned earlier?”

To which Tom Sam said, “Darling, I just had a small load, so I decided to do it by hand.”

Marines New Job

A man was being interviewed for a job. “Were you in the service?” ask the interviewer.

“Yes, I was a marine,” responded the applicant.

“Did you see any active duty?” He was asked.

“I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.”

“May I ask what happened?” he was asked.

“Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.” The marine said.

“You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.”

“When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.” The marine said.

“Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.”

Name of the Bar

One day, three guys were sitting at a new bar in town and they were broke and couldn’t buy a drink. So the bartender says, “If you can guess what the name of the bar is, I’ll give you a free drink tomorrow morning.”

So the first guys says, “The Best Bar?” and the bartender says, “Nope.”

The second guys says, “The Worst Bar?” and the bartender says, “Nope.”

The third guy says, “Lucy’s Legs?” and the bartender says, “Yeah, how did you know?” and the guy says, “Just a lucky guess.”

So the next day the guy was sitting outside the bar and a policeman comes up and says, “Why are you out here?” and the guy answers, “I’m waiting for Lucy’s Legs to open so I can get a drink.”

Stripper’s Accident

A stripper, in a hurry to get home, leaves the club with nothing on but a loose coat. As she crosses the street, a drunk driver skids around the corner and hits the stripper, sending her flying into the air and landing unconscious on her back, with her charms exposed to the world.

As a crowd gathers, a gentleman places his hat upon the stripper’s crotch in order to minimize her exposure. In the meantime, the drunk driver, hardly aware he just hit someone, staggers over to see what all the fuss is about. Noticing the near naked woman lying exposed on the street, he points to the strategically placed hat and slurs in a loud voice, “Well, the first thing we gotta do is get that guy outta there!”