Tag: Story



A Parrot Named Moses

A burglar broke into a house one night. He flashed his flashlight around, looking for valuables. When he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange voice echoed from the dark saying, “Jesus is watching YOU.” He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a little while, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next score, and then clicked the light back on, and began searching again for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, “Jesus is watching YOU.”

Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight came to rest on a parrot. “Did you say that?” he hissed at the parrot.

“Yep,” the parrot confessed, and then squawked, “I’m trying to warn you.”

The burglar relaxed. “Warn me, huh? Who are you?”

“Moses,” replied the parrot.

“Moses,” the burglar laughed. “What kind of stupid people would name a parrot MOSES?”

The parrot replied, “Probably the same kind of stupid people that would name a Rotweiller JESUS.”

Ten Items of Fruit

There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, “I brought ten apples.”

The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you’ll be eaten. The first apple went in … but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.

The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1 … 2 … 3 … 4 … 5 … 6 … 7 … 8 … on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter,
therefore also was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, “Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?”

The second one replied, “I know, but I couldn’t help it. I was doing just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all those watermelons!”

Fantasy World

Two psychiatrists were at a convention. As they conversed over a drink, one asked, “What was your most difficult case?”

The other replied, “I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years.”

“What was the result?”

“It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!”

Royal Battle

There were three Medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake. There was an island in the middle of the lake, which the kingdoms had been fighting over for years.

Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight.

The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had 5 squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food.

The second kingdom had 20 knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle.

At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor.

When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms.

Thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

Mental Health Recording

A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute:

“Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are an obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line while we trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press-no-one will answer. If you are dyslexic, press 984764132184. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line. If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother’s maiden name. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bi-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self esteem. Please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.”

Ticket Excuse

A man in his 50’s bought a new Boxter and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him “There’s no way they can catch a Boxter,” he thought to himself and opened her up further.

The needle hit 90, 100 … Then the reality of the situation hit him. “What the hell am I doing?” he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

The guy having been in marketing and sales for years thinks for a second and says, “Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.”

“Have a nice weekend” said the officer.

Blonde Exam

The blonde reported for her university final examination which consists of “yes/no” type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the examination paper for five minutes, then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet-Yes for Heads and No for Tails.

Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.

“I finished the exam in half an hour. But I’m rechecking my answers.”

Newlyweds

It seems that a young couple had just gotten married, and spent their wedding night with the young mans parents.

In the morning the mother got up and prepared a lovely breakfast, went to the bottom of the stairs and called for them to come down to eat. After a long wait the family ate without the newlyweds. His mother said, “I wonder why they never came down to eat.”

The grooms young brother said “Mommy, I think …”

“Oh shut up, I don’t want to hear what you think!” said the mother, not wanting to hear any inappropriate comments from the younger brother.

At lunch time the mother again prepared a wonderful meal, and again called the young couple to eat. After another long wait the family proceeded to eat, and after the meal was completed the mother once again said, “I wonder why they never came down to eat?” Once again the younger brother started to speak, but was silenced by his mother.

At dinner time once again the mother cooked a very elaborate meal, had the table set perfect and called the newlyweds to join the family for dinner. After another long wait, the mother once again questioned why they had not come downstairs all day.

The young lad once again said “Mommy I think …”

“Well, what is it that you think?!?” asked his mother, rather irritated.

“I think that when my big brother came down to get the vaseline last night, he got my model plane glue instead.”

Nursery Rhymes

Twinkle, twinkle little star how I wonder what you are
Shine upon a parking lot
As I eat my girlfriends twat.

Peter, Peter pumpkin eater
Saw a chick but couldn’t meet her
Saw her brother one fine day
Sucked his cock and now he’s GAY.

Jack Sprat could eat no fat
His wife could eat no lean
So he ignored her flabby tits
An licked her asshole clean.

Eenie Meanie Miney Mo
Suck my dick and swallow slow.

Mary Mary quite contrary
Shave that pussy its so damn hairy.

Hickory Dickory Dock
Some chick was sucking my cock
The clock struck two I blew my goo
And dumped the bitch off at the next block.

Hickory Dickory Dock
Some chick was sucking my cock
It was quite scary
all wrinkled and hairy.