Tag: Story


Funeral Procession

A man was leaving a 7-11 with his morning coffee and newspaper when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind him were 200 men walking single file.

The guy couldn’t stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, “Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

The man replied “Well, that first hearse is for my wife.”

“What happened to her?”

The man replied, “My dog attacked and killed her.”

He inquired further, “Well, who is in the second hearse?”

The man answered, “My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.”

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passes between the two men.

“Sir, could I borrow that dog?”

“Get in line.”

I’m Jesus

A drunk is sitting on the street curb in front of a bar. A stranger comes buy and asks if he’s O.K.

The drunk replies by asking, “Do you know who I am?” The stranger says, “No. Who are you?”

The drunk proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ … and I can prove it! Come with me!”

They enter the bar and the bartender looks up and yells, “Jesus Christ! Are you here again?”

Twas the Night Before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas,
When all through the house,
The whole damn family was drunk as a louse.
Grandpa and Grandma decked in leather and chains,
Where watching the kids dueling with candy canes.

Ma home from the cathouse,
And I out of jail, had just settled
Down for a good piece of tail.
When out on the lawn, there arose such a clatter,
I jumped out of bed to see what was the matter.

Away to the window I made a mad dash,
Threw open the window and fell on my ass!
And what to my bloodshot eyes should appear
But a rusty old sleigh and a dozen reindeer.

With a little old driver holding his stick,
I knew in a moment that drunkard was Nick!
Slower than snails his chargers they came.
He bitched and he swore as he called them by name.

“Now Dancer, now Prancer, up over the roof,
Quick now, damn it, or I’ll cut off your hoofs!”
Then up on the roof he stumbled and fell,
And came down the chimney like a bat out of hell!

He staggered and stumbled and went to the door,
He trtipped over a beer bottle and fell to the floor.
I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight,
“Piss on you all, it’s a hell of a night!”

Blonde with Flowers

Two friends, a blonde and a brunette, are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the brunette happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers. She sighs and says, “Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again … for no reason.”

The blonde looks quizzically at her and says: “What’s the big deal, don’t you like getting flowers?”

The brunette says, “Oh sure … but he always has expectations after getting me flowers, and I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.”

The blonde says, … “Don’t you have a vase?”

Smart Blonde

A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5000. The bank officers says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank.

Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. A bank employee drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5000 and the interest which is $15.41. The loan officer says, “We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us, is why would you bother to borrow $5000?”

The Blonde replied, “Where else in New York, can I park my car for two weeks for $15.00?”

Magic Tricks

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

“Look, it’s not the same hat!”

“Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!”

“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything, it was the captain’s parrot after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, and of course the parrot was by his side. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word.

This went on for several days.

After a week the parrot finally said: “Okay, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”

Speaker Phone Remedy

Have you ever worked in an office where someone insists on listening to their voice-mail using the speakerphone (at full volume, naturally). It can really begin to bother you after a while.

I found a fairly easy fix for that though. I had my wife call his phone when he wasn’t there and left this message: “Hi, this is Candy from 1-900-HOT-BABE. You haven’t paid for the ‘toys’ we sent you, you naughty boy. You wouldn’t want me to come over there and spank you, would you?”

That was the last time I heard *that* particular speakerphone!

Bread or Chicken

The CEO of Tyson Foods manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican. After receiving the papal blessing, he whispers, “Your eminence, we have an offer for you. Tyson Foods is prepared to donate $100 million dollars to the church if you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken.'”

The Pope responds, “That is impossible. The Prayer is the word of the Lord – it must not be changed.”

“Well,” says the Tyson man, “we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason, we will increase our offer to $300 million dollars. All we require is that you change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken.’ Again, the Pope replies, “That, my son, is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed.”

Finally, the Tyson guy says, “Your Holiness, we at Tyson Foods respect your adherence to your faith, but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500 million dollars – that’s half a billion dollars – to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord’s Prayer from ‘give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘give us this day our daily chicken.’ Please consider it.” And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. “There is some good news,” he announces, “and some bad news.”

“The good news is that the Church has come into $500 million dollars.”

“And the bad news, your eminence?” asks a Cardinal.

“We’re losing the Wonderbread account.”

Timbuctu

W.B. Yeats and William Shakespease both died on the same day and went to heaven. St. Peter met them both at the pearly gates and said, “Lads, I’d love to let the two of you in today but we have had a very busy week and we only have one space left inside.” The two looked at each other in disbelief and Peter continued, “We are going to have a poetry competition to see who gets in, but the poem has to contain the word timbuctu.” No sooner had he finished when Shakespeare puts up the hand and says:

“As I was travelling across foreign sands
From afar I spied a spec of blue
As I approached I saw I caravan
Its destination was timbuctu”

Peter was clapping his hands and Shakespeare was almost in the gate when Yeats says, “Hold on I’ve got one.”

“My dog Tim and I a hunting went
We spied three ladies in a tent
They were three and we were two
So I bucked one and Tim bucked two.”

Drunks

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Get everyone here a drink on me, and get one for yourself too.” The bartender pours a round of drinks, including one for himself, then says to the drunk, “That will be $45.” The drunk said, “I don’t have any money.” The bartender takes the drunk outside and beats the shit out of him.

The next night the same drunk walks into the bar and says to the bartender — “Get everyone here a drink on me, and one for yourself too.” The bartender thinks, this guy can’t be that stupid to come in here two nights in a row with no money, so he pours a round, has one himself, bumps the guy and says, “That will be $50.” The drunk says, “I don’t have any money.” The bartender takes the drunk outside and beats the shit out of him again.

The next night, same drunk walks into the bar and tells the bartender to get a round for everyone. The bartender says, “What not one for myself?” To which the drunk replied, “Hell no, you get too mean when you drink.”