Tag: Story



Timbuctu

W.B. Yeats and William Shakespease both died on the same day and went to heaven. St. Peter met them both at the pearly gates and said, “Lads, I’d love to let the two of you in today but we have had a very busy week and we only have one space left inside.” The two looked at each other in disbelief and Peter continued, “We are going to have a poetry competition to see who gets in, but the poem has to contain the word timbuctu.” No sooner had he finished when Shakespeare puts up the hand and says:

“As I was travelling across foreign sands
From afar I spied a spec of blue
As I approached I saw I caravan
Its destination was timbuctu”

Peter was clapping his hands and Shakespeare was almost in the gate when Yeats says, “Hold on I’ve got one.”

“My dog Tim and I a hunting went
We spied three ladies in a tent
They were three and we were two
So I bucked one and Tim bucked two.”

Drunks

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “Get everyone here a drink on me, and get one for yourself too.” The bartender pours a round of drinks, including one for himself, then says to the drunk, “That will be $45.” The drunk said, “I don’t have any money.” The bartender takes the drunk outside and beats the shit out of him.

The next night the same drunk walks into the bar and says to the bartender — “Get everyone here a drink on me, and one for yourself too.” The bartender thinks, this guy can’t be that stupid to come in here two nights in a row with no money, so he pours a round, has one himself, bumps the guy and says, “That will be $50.” The drunk says, “I don’t have any money.” The bartender takes the drunk outside and beats the shit out of him again.

The next night, same drunk walks into the bar and tells the bartender to get a round for everyone. The bartender says, “What not one for myself?” To which the drunk replied, “Hell no, you get too mean when you drink.”

Ed Zachary Disease

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date or any sex in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her, so she decided to employ the medical expertise of a sex therapist. Her doctor recommended that she go see Dr. Chang, the well known Chinese sex therapist.

So she went to see him. Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, “OK, take off all you crose.” The woman did as she was told.

“Now, get down and craw reery reery fass to odder side of room.” Again, the woman did as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, “OK, now craw reery reery fass back to me.” So she did. Dr.Chang slowly shook his head and said, “Your probrem vewy bad, you haf Ed Zachary Disease, worse case I ever see, dat why you not haf sex or dates.”

Confused, the woman asked, “Oh my God, Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?”

Dr. Chang looked the woman in the eyes and replied, “Ed Zachary disease is when your face rook Ed Zachary rike your ass.”

Blonde in the Mirror

Legend has it that there is a coffee bar in New York where, in the Ladies Room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one is granted a wish. However, if one tells a lie … *poof* … you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again. Soooooo …

A redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world.”

*Poof* the mirror swallows her up.

Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, “I think I’m the sexiest woman alive”. *Poof* the mirror swallows her.

Then, an absolutely gorgeous blond comes in and stands before the mirror and says, “I think…” *Poof*

Swim Competition

There was a competition to cross the English Channel doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde.

After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest. About 40 minutes later, the redhead crawled up on the shore and was declared the second place finisher.

Nearly four hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers.

When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, “I don’t want to sound like I’m a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms …”

Daughters

An Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman were chatting about their teenage daughters one day when the Englishman says, “I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as i didn’t even know that she smoked.”

The Scotsman says, “Thats nothing to worry about, the other day I was in my daughter’s room when I found a bottle of vodka. I was horrified as I didn’t even know that she drank at all.”

The Irishman says, “Thats nothing, you two have nothing to worry about at all. The other day I was in my daughter’s room and I found a packet of condoms. I was disgusted as I didn’t even know she had a penis.”

Chapped Cowboy

The old cowboy came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail a few feet in front of the sheriff.

“Howdy stranger.”

“Howdy sheriff.”

The old cowboy then walks to the rear of his horse, lifts the tail and plants a big kiss right where the sun don’t shine. He dropped the horse’s tail, stepped up on the porch and aimed toward the swingin’ doors of the saloon.

The sheriff says, “Hold on mister. Did I see what I thought I just saw?”

“Reckon you did sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips.”

“And that cures them?”

“Nope, but it keeps me from licking them.”

Regulations for Hunting Attorneys

Bill to Regulate the Hunting and Harvesting of Attorneys PC 370.00

370.01 Any person with a valid in-state rodent or snake hunting license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sport (non-commercial) purposes.

370.02 Taking of attorneys with traps or dead-falls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait, however, is prohibited.

370.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed immediately to the nearest car wash.

370.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter or aircraft.

370.05 It is unlawful to shout, “WHIPLASH”, “AMBULANCE”, or “FREE SCOTCH” for the purposes of trapping attorneys.

370.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW, Mercedes or Porsche dealerships, except on Wednesday afternoon.

370.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health clubs, country clubs, hospitals or brothels.

370.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap or possess the same.

370.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.

370.10 Bag and Possession Limits per day:
Yellow-bellied sidewinders, 2;
Two-faced tortfeasors, 1;
Back-stabbing divorce litigators, 3;
Horn-rimmed cut-throats, 2;
Minutiae-advocating dirtbags, 4.
Honest attorneys protected (Endangered Species Act).

ARS 8007.21 It is illegal to take attorneys with a moving vehicle unless there are no measurable skid marks at the kill site.

The Chastity Belt

King Arthur was in Merlin’s laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention. It was a chastity belt, except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place.

“Why this is no good, Merlin!” the king exclaimed, “Just look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect m’lady, the Queen?”

“Ah, sire, just observe,” said Merlin.

He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.

“Merlin, you are a genius!” exclaimed the grateful monarch. “Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected.”

After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.

Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all of his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal “short arm” inspection. Sure enough, each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way.

All of them, except Sir Galahad.

“Sir Galahad,” exclaimed King Arthur. My one and only true knight. Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!”

But, alas, Sir Galahad was speechless.

Carpet Accident

A carpet layer had just finished installing carpet for a lady. He stepped out for a smoke, only to realize he’d lost his cigarettes. In the middle of the room, under the carpet, was a bump. “No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes” he said to himself. He proceeded to get out his hammer and flattened the hump. As he was cleaning up, the lady came in.

“Here” she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. “I found them in the hallway. Now, if only I could find my son’s gerbil.”