Tag: Story


Eve and God

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, “Lord, I have a problem!”

“What’s the problem, Eve?”

“Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but I am just not happy.”

“Why is that, Eve?” came the reply from above.

“Lord, I’m lonely and missing something. And I’m sick to death of apples.”

“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”

“What’s a man, Lord?”

“This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But, he’ll be bigger and faster and more muscular than you. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack.”

“Sounds great,” says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebow.

“Yeah, well, he’s better than a poke in the eye with a blunt stick. But you can have him on one condition.”

“What’s that, Lord?”

“You’ll have to let him believe that I made him first.”

Short Runway

Paddy and Murphy are flying the 10.30 Aer Lingus flight from Heathrow to Dublin.

As they come in over the East Coast of Ireland … the following conversation ensues …

“Sheeeezzz.” said Paddy, “Will ye look at how short dat runway is.”

“You’re not kiddin’, Paddy” replied Murphy.

“Dis is gonna be one a’ de trickiest landings you’re ever gonna see” said Paddy.

“You’re not kiddin’, Paddy” replied Murphy.

“Right Murphy. When I give de signal, you put de engines in reverse” said Paddy.

“Right, I’ll be doing dat” replied Murphy.

“And den ye put de flaps down straight away” said Paddy.

“Right, I’ll be doing dat” replied Murphy.

“And den ye stamp on dem brakes as hard as ye can” said Paddy.

“Right, I’ll be doing dat” replied Murphy.

“And den ye pray to de Mother Mary with all a’ your soul” said Paddy.

“I be doing dat already” replied Murphy.

So they approached the runway with Paddy and Murphy full of nerves and sweaty palms. As soon as the wheels hit the ground, Murphy put the engines in reverse, put the flaps down, stamped on the brakes and prayed to Mother Mary with all of his soul.

Amidst roaring engines, squealing of tyres and lots of smoke, the plane screeched to a halt centimetres from the end of the runway, much to the relief of Paddy and Murphy and everyone on board.

As they sat in the cockpit regaining their composure, Paddy looked out the front window and said to Murphy, “Dat has gotta be de shortest bloomin’ runway I have EVER seen in me whole life.”

Murphy looked out the side window and replied, “Yeah Paddy, but look how flippin’ wide it is.”

The Garden of Eden

In the beginning God created man, and placed him in the Garden of Eden. But man was lonely, so God made a woman out of the man’s rib. God commanded them, “Eat from any tree in the garden, except for the apple tree.”

Everything went just as God would’ve wanted it, for the first three weeks.

Then, the woman’s period started. God told the woman, “You must go out and collect mosses and other absorbant materials, and fashion them in the way I show you, and wear this between your legs, changing it daily.” At first the woman complied, but she found it to be horribly messy, extremely inconvenient, and stunk like rotting meat, and on top of that her stomach was hurting, and she was in a REALLY FOUL MOOD.

Then, that evening, after a day of soil tilling, the man went up to the woman and said, “Did you get anything for dinner?” The woman, being in a foul mood, said, “No, I didn’t. If you want something to eat, get it yourself.” The man was shocked, that the woman apparently hadn’t done anything all day, and insisted that she go out right away and pick some fruit for dinner.

So, the woman went to the apple tree, yanked the fruit from the branch, brought it back, and threw it at the man, screaming “HERE’S YOUR GODDAM DINNER!”

And the rest is history

Halloween

A man was walking home alone late one night when he hears a BUMP … BUMP … BUMP … behind him.

Walking faster he looks back and makes our the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him … BUMP … BUMP … BUMP …

Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him … faster … faster … BUMP … BUMP … BUMP.

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping … clappity-BUMP … clappity-BUMP … clappity-BUMP … on the heals of the terrified man.

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the coffin breaks down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something, anything … but all he can find is a box of cough drops!

Desperate, he throws the cough drops at the coffin …

… and of course, … the coffin stops!

For the Teachers

A first grade teacher had a small number of children gathered around a table for a reading group. After the story was read she gave the children a work sheet to do. She thought they may have some problems so wanted them to work on it while still there.

She heard a little girl say very softly “damn!”.

The teacher leaned over and said quietly, “We don’t say that in school.”

The little girl looked at the teacher, her eyes got very big and she said, “Not even when things are all fucked up?!”

First Funeral

A newly appointed young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a graveside service at a small country cemetery. There was to be no funeral, just the committal, because the deceased had no family or friends left. The young pastor started early to the cemetery, but soon lost his way. After making several wrong turns, he finally arrived a half-hour late. The hearse was no where in sight, and the workman were relaxing under a nearby tree, eating their lunch. The pastor went to the open grave and found that the vault lid was already in place. He took out his book and read the service. As he returned to his car, he overheard one of the workman say, “Maybe we’d better tell him that’s a septic tank.”

What if Dr. Seuss was a Technical Writer?

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort, And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort, Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash, And your data is corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t hash, Then your situation’s hopeless, and your system’s gonna crash!

You can’t say this?

What a shame sir!

We’ll find you Another game sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house, Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse, But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol, That’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse, Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang, ‘Cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk, And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc, Then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!

Cyberlaw

The defendant and his lawyer are in the courtroom, the man being charged with theft. The lawyer tells the crusty old judge, “My lord, my client has produced receipts for, firstly, the high speed modem.”

“High-speed modem?” questions the judge.

“Yes” replies the lawyer, “It allows computers to communicate over vast distances at high rates of speed. It allows email and something called cybersex in AOL chatrooms, your honor.”

“Cybersex?” says the judge, “You mean sex through a modem? You mean sex on a monitor? Good lord, the morals of this society! Sex should be a natural event of nature!”

“Secondly, my lord,” continues the lawyer, “My client can produce a receipt for the 12-speed cd-rom.”

“12-speed cd-rom?” queries the judge.

“Yes my lord, it enables millions of bits of information to be read off a small disk.”

“And I suppose most of this *information* is cybersex related … Modern technology and modern society, baffling, just baffling,” comments the judge. “I’m appalled at what technology is doing to society these days.”

“Thirdly my lord, my client can produce a receipt for the super deluxe inflatable milk maid, whatever that is.”

“That’s the one with the silicone breasts and real hair,” replies the judge.

Golf Shots

A man and his wife are playing golf together when he slices his tee shot well off the fairway,landing near an old barn. Upon surveying the shot he determines that he can either take a wedge and play over the barn and safely back out to the fairway, or try a long shot 3 iron down beside the barn to the green. He elects to try the 3 iron. But the ball strikes the side of the barn, bounces back, hitting his wife right between the eyes, killing her.

Well, needless to say the man didn’t play for quite sometime. When he did finally return with a friend to play again, sure enough he hit the same shot, slicing his tee shot behind the barn.

Looking over the shot he asked his friend to hand him his wedge. His friend said, “No … look, you can take your 3 iron and try for the green.”

The man said, “Are you kidding me? Don’t you know what happened last time I tried that shot?”

The friend looked puzzled. “What happened?”

“I took a 7.”