Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!”
The teacher replied, “Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’ Please use the word ‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.”
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, “You’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a ten!!!”
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, “Mommy, can little girls have babies?”
“No,” said his mom, “of course not.” Little Johnny then ran back outside and his Mom heard him yell to his friends, “It’s okay, we can play that game again!”
A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast, bacon, eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? An Aitken’s buttery? Grapefruit with ginger and coffee to follow?
He declines. “It’s this Viagra”, he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with (mmmm) a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?
He declines. “It’s this Viagra”, he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
Come teatime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She’ll go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. Maybe a red pudding or a steak pie? Maybe he’d like a pizza microwaved? Or a tasty stir fry that would only take a couple of minutes?
He declines. “It’s this Viagra”, he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”
“Well”, she says, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m starving!”
Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an “F” in arithmetic.
“Why?” asks the father. “The teacher asked ‘How much is 2×3?’ I said ‘6.’”
“But that’s right!”
“Then she asked me ‘How much is 3×2?'”
“What’s the fucking difference?” asked the father.
“That’s what I said!”
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”
Little Johnny waves his hand, “Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!”
Miss Rogers: “All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?”
Little Johnny says, “Mas-tur-bate.”
Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful.”
Little Johnny says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob.”
A 75-year old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.”
The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, “Well, doc, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.”
The doctor was shocked. “You asked your NEIGHBOR?”
The old man replied, “Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn’t get the damn jar open!”
Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car pass the playground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a “Passionate Embrace.”
Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly, “MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND …” Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story.
So, Little Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy …” At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.” At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and “… then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy.”
A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon “quickie.”
“Don’t worry,” he purrs. “My wife is out of town on a business trip, so there’s no risk.”
As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, “We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!”
“No problem,” her lover replies. “I’ll get my wife’s diaphragm.”
After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.
“That witch!” he exclaims. “She took it with her! I always knew she didn’t trust me!”
Saturday morning … Bob’s just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So, Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.
“Hello?” says a little girl’s voice.
“Hi, honey, it’s Daddy,” says Bob. “Is Mummy near the phone?”
“No, Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Frank.”
After a brief pause, Bob says, “But you haven’t got an Uncle Frank, honey!”
“Yes, I do, and he’s upstairs in the bedroom with Mummy!”
“Okay, then. Here’s what I want you to do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mummy and uncle Frank that my car’s just pulled up outside the house.”
“Okay, Daddy!”
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. “Well, I did what you said, Daddy.”
“And what happened?”
“Well, Mummy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she’s all dead.”
“Oh my god … And what about uncle Frank?”
“He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool, but he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he’s dead too.”
There is a long pause, then Bob says, “Swimming pool? Is this 555-7039?”
An old lady is sitting in front her TV knitting and watching “Mamas Family” when she hears a knock on the door. When she opens it, there is a salesman standing on her doorstep. She asks, “Yes?” The salesman explains that he is selling watermelons for a delivery service, and that every other day, they would deliver a watermelon to her doorstep. “My that’s a splendid idea.” the old woman says, so she signs up. The salesman tells her that she would receive her first watermelon in two days, then he leaves. Well, two days go by, and no watermelon. Four days, no watermelon. Six days, still no watermelon. The old lady calls up the watermelon delivery service, and demands, “Where are my watermelons?” They explain that they have been delivering them to her doorstep for the past couple of days, so they ask if there are any people that might walk by her doorstep, thinking that it’s theirs. She says, “Why yes, I share my front porch with my new next door neighbours.” The people on the phone also tell her that in order to eliminate any confusion, they always write the initials of the customer on the watermelons, so whomever has been taking them, was probably knowingly stealing them. They tell her that maybe she should find out from her neighbours, if they have been taking the watermelons. By now, she’s furious! She hangs up the phone and hobbles over to the next door neighbour’s front door and knocks it with her cane. A big hairy guy in a t-shirt and holding a beer can answers. She asks, “Sonny, have you been stealing my watermelons?” The guy explains that he doesn’t know what the hell she’s talking about, so the big guy calls down his son, and asks him if he knows what happened to the watermelons. The son says proudly, “Yes I done took the watermelons, and I et dem!” The man furiously takes off his belt, puts his son over his knee and gets ready to give the poor boy a whippin’ like he’s never had before. Before the boy could finish his explanation, “But Dad, on da watermelons, it said on dem…” the father gives the boy several lashes with the belt. The kid’s screaming and crying, arms and legs are flailing about. After that was all over, the father sent the boy up to his room. He got out his chequebook, and explained to her that he would pay for the watermelons, and that the boy would not steal them any more. So he asked the old woman to whom he should write the check out to. She replies, “Oh just write it out to me. My full name is …
Esther Alice Thomson.”