Tag: Story



Sex Education

A teacher cautiously approaches the subject of sex education with her fourth grade class because she realizes Little Johnny’s propensity for sexual innuendo. But Johnny remains attentive throughout the entire lecture. Finally, towards the end of the lesson, the teacher asks for examples of sex education from the class.

One little boy raises his hand, “I saw a bird in her nest with some eggs.” “Very good, William,” said the teacher.

“My mommy had a baby,” said little Esther. “Oh, that’s nice,” replied the teacher.

Finally, little Johnny raises his hand. With much fear and trepidation, the teacher calls on him. “I was watchin’ TV yesterday, and I saw the Lone Ranger. He was surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of Indians. And they all attacked at one time. And he killed every one of them with his two guns.”

The teacher was relieved but puzzled, “And what does that have to do with sex education, Johnny?”

“It’ll teach those Indians not to fuck with the Lone Ranger.”

Horse Ride

Little Johnny is passing his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in ‘The Act.’

Before Dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims “Oh, boy! Horsey ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?” Daddy, relieved that Johnny’s not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.

Johnny hops on and Daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out, “Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off !”

I have to Urinate

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!”

The teacher replied, “Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’ Please use the word ‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.”

Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, “You’re an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you’d be a ten!!!”

Breakfast, Lunch, Dinner?

A woman asks her husband if he’d like some breakfast, bacon, eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? An Aitken’s buttery? Grapefruit with ginger and coffee to follow?

He declines. “It’s this Viagra”, he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with (mmmm) a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?

He declines. “It’s this Viagra”, he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

Come teatime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She’ll go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. Maybe a red pudding or a steak pie? Maybe he’d like a pizza microwaved? Or a tasty stir fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. “It’s this Viagra”, he says, “It’s really taken the edge off my appetite.”

“Well”, she says, “Would you mind getting off me? I’m starving!”

School Grades

Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an “F” in arithmetic.

“Why?” asks the father. “The teacher asked ‘How much is 2×3?’ I said ‘6.’”

“But that’s right!”

“Then she asked me ‘How much is 3×2?'”

“What’s the fucking difference?” asked the father.

“That’s what I said!”

English Lessons

Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”

Little Johnny waves his hand, “Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!”

Miss Rogers: “All right, little Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?”

Little Johnny says, “Mas-tur-bate.”

Miss Rogers smiles and says, “Wow, little Johnny, that’s a mouthful.”

Little Johnny says, “No, Miss Rogers, you’re thinking of a blowjob.”

Sperm Count

A 75-year old man went to his doctor’s office to get a sperm count. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, “Take this jar home and bring me back a sample tomorrow.”

The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor’s office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains, “Well, doc, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.

She tried with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing.”

The doctor was shocked. “You asked your NEIGHBOR?”

The old man replied, “Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn’t get the damn jar open!”

Daddy and Aunt Jane

Little Johnny sees his Daddy’s car pass the playground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a “Passionate Embrace.”

Little Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly, “MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND …” Mommy tells him to slow down. She wants to hear the story.

So, Little Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy …” At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.” At the dinner table, Mommy asks Little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny starts his story, describing the car going into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and “… then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Navy.”

Mutual Trust

A businessman and his secretary, overcome by passion, go to his house for an early afternoon “quickie.”

“Don’t worry,” he purrs. “My wife is out of town on a business trip, so there’s no risk.”

As one thing leads to another, the woman reaches into her purse and suddenly gasps, “We have to stop, I forgot to bring birth control!”

“No problem,” her lover replies. “I’ll get my wife’s diaphragm.”

After a few minutes of searching, he returns to the bedroom in a fury.

“That witch!” he exclaims. “She took it with her! I always knew she didn’t trust me!”