Tag: Story


$50 on the Pillow

A couple returned from their honeymoon and it’s obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom’s best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

“Well,” replied the man “when we had finished making love on the first night, as I got up to go to the bathroom I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking.”

“Oh, you shouldn’t worry about that too much,” said his friend. “I’m sure your wife will get over it soon enough – she can’t expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!”

The groom nodded gently and said, “I don’t know if I can get over this though. She gave me $20 change!”

I don’t want to go to School!

The mother was having a hard time getting her son to go to school in the morning. “Nobody in school likes me,” he complained. “The teachers don’t like me, the kids don’t like me, the superintendent wants to transfer me, the bus drivers hate me, the school board wants me to drop out, and the custodians have it in for me. I don’t want to go to school.”

“But you have to go to school,” countered his mother. “You are healthy, you have a lot to learn, you have something to offer others, you are a leader. And besides, you are 45 years old and you are the principal.”

Stag Party

A man was to be married and his friends threw him a stag party. As usual there was much drinking and merriment. As the evening wore on, the man was dancing nude and hit his erect penis on the fireplace, knocking himself out.

Concerned, his friends took him to the hospital. Following an examination, the emergency room physician told them that their friend’s condition was stable, that he was bruised and sore, that the medical term for his injury was complicated but in layman terms, “He had broken his prick.” They shouldn’t worry though, because he had supported the injured part with four tongue depressors neatly bound with tape.

The next day, the wedding was flawless and the bride was unaware of any problems. In their honeymoon suite, the bride was spread-eagled on the bed when her husband emerged from the bathroom and she said, “Come and get it, Honey, it’s all yours. I’m untouched by any other, this is pure virgin wool.”

The groom smiled and dropped his pajamas as he said to her, “Yeah? Well, check this out, Babe, still in the crate!”

I’m a Lesbian

There was a drunk sitting in a local tavern when a drop dead gorgeous lady walked in and sat the other end of the bar from him. He said to the bartender, “Give that babe a drink on me.”

The bartender replied, “Sure, but don’t count on anything from it, she happens to be a lesbian.”

Being too drunk to even think straight, the guy decided to strike up a conversation with the lady and, approaching her stated, “I hear you are from lesbia. Correcting him she told him there was no such place and that she was a lesbian.

Unable to make him understand that it was a lifestyle, she offered an example. “Do you see that young lady in the corner?”

“Yes,” he says.

“What I would like to do to her is to take her home, remove her shirt, fondle her lovely breasts and then make love to her all night.”

With this, the drunk broke down and started to cry.
“What is the matter?” She asked.

The drunk said through his tears, “I think I am a lesbian too.”

Playing Church

A man came home and saw his children along with a group of the neighborhood children gathered around the front steps. He asked what it was they were doing. “We’re playing church.” one said.

The puzzled Father inquired further and was told, “Well, we’ve already sung, prayed and listened to the sermon. Now, we’re all outside smoking.”

$100 from God

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read:

Dear GOD,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington, D.C. and, as usual, those bastards deducted $95.00.

Groped on the Bus

Recently a tour bus full of senior citizens was travelling along an interstate. Suddenly, an elderly woman in the back screamed and jumped out of her seat. The driver pulled over and headed toward the back of the bus. When the driver got to the woman, he asked what was wrong.

The woman replied, “There’s a man trying to molest me!”

The driver asked the other passengers, but no one had seen anything. The driver turned to the woman and said, “You must have scared off the man when you screamed.”

The woman agreed and returned to her seat. The bus driver resumed driving, but a few miles down the road the same woman, again, screamed and jumped out of her seat. Once again, the driver pulled over and headed to the back of the bus.

“What’s wrong now?” asked the driver.

The woman replied, “That man was trying to molest me, he’s under my seat!”

The driver looked under the seat, and sure enough there was an old bald guy.

The driver said to the man, “Sir, this woman claims that you were trying to molest her.”

The man replies, “No, no, no! I’m just looking for my toupee — I thought I had it twice but it got away both times!”

The Exempt Inmate

A woman was mugged out on the streets. When the cops ran through the pictures of convicted criminals the woman very definately said, “That’s the one.”

So, the police investigated and they discovered that the guy was already in jail. The cops, being very confused at this point investigated to see how this guy could have done this crime. They soon discovered that the corrections officer involved with watching the inmates at that prison was letting them go outside for limited times, into the real world. They also had the privelige of watching T.V. and going on-line and other such things. When the proper authorities found out about this they were appalled and, of course, fired the corrections officer. But the guy who was suspected of the murder had an alibi –

He was in the jacuzzi at the time of the crime!

Clever Dog

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.

He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.”

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog’s mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog’s mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it’s closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. It does, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again, the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it’s the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!-against the door again! There’s no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. “What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God’s sake!”

To which the guy responds, “Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”