Tag: Story


Cigarettes for the Wife

A man’s wife asked him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walked down to the store only to find it closed.

He went into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he saw a beautiful woman and started talking to her. I mean she was a knock out. She looked a lot like Karyn, she was tall, radiant, and very funny. Well, so they had a couple of beers, one thing lead to another and before too long, they ended up in her apartment. I mean how could he resist such a women.

They had the most incredible, most sensual sexual experience. It was amazing. After they’d had made love for hours, the man realized it was 3:00 a.m. and said, “Oh no … its so late, my wife’s going to kill me! Have you got any talcum powder?”

She thought to herself, talcum powder, what does he want with that? But she gave him some anyway, which he proceeded to rub on his hands and then he went home.

When he got home, his wife was waiting for him in the doorway, and boy was she ever mad.

“Where the hell have you been?” she yelled at him.

“Well, honey, its like this. Honey, you know I love you, I can’t lie to you. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to get you cigarettes out of the vending machine.

While I was there, I met this most amazing women. She was so beautiful and well we had a few drinks, and then one thing led to another and I ended going back to her place, and honey, I’m sorry …

I’ve been unfaithful to you. I went to bed with another women”

“Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!” exclaimed his wife. She saw his hands covered with talcum powder and she said, “You damn liar!!! You went bowling again, didn’t you!!”

Do You Know …

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defence attorney?” She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counsellors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!”

Firetruck

A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that little Johnny was wearing a red fire man’s hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever.

When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog’s testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.

Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, “That’s really a nice fire engine you have there son, but I’ll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck.”

“Yeah,” Johnny replied, “but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”

Love

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

What Is It?

A well dressed guy went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. The guy leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, “Well, it looks like plastic.” Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, “But it feels like rubber.”

Curious, the guy asked, “What do you have there?”

The drunk replied, “Damned if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”

The guy said, “Let me take a look.”

So the drunk handed it over. The guy rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely. “Yeah, it does look like plastic and feels like rubber, but I don’t know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?”

The drunk replied, “Out of my nose.”

$80,000 Mortgage

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas.”

Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, “Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time.”

Well, about two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father asked him why he was leaving. The boy said, “Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I’ll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!”

The Artist

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

“I have good news and bad news,” the owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”

“That’s wonderful!” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”

“The guy was your doctor.”

Rabbi Golfer

An Orthodox rabbi lived a pious and exemplary life. Besides his learning, he had one true passion: he loved to play golf. So when a friend of his wangled an invitation to play a round at an ultra exclusive Country Club that normally did not invite people of the rabbi’s religious persuasion, he jumped at the chance, until he found out that the round was scheduled for Saturday, which of course is his Sabbath and on which day he was forbidden to do ANY work, including the “work” of playing golf. He tossed and turned with his dilemma, until greed won out, and he duly appeared at the Country Club early Saturday morning.

A passing angel looked down and saw the rabbi getting ready to tee off on the first hole. Profoundly disturbed, the angel runs to God and tells him what is about to take place. God says: “Don’t worry. I’ll teach him a lesson but good.” So on the first hole the rabbi drives 415 yards for a hole-in-one!

“What kind of a lesson was THAT?”, queried the angel.

God’s response was, “Who can he tell?”.