Tag: Story



The Exempt Inmate

A woman was mugged out on the streets. When the cops ran through the pictures of convicted criminals the woman very definately said, “That’s the one.”

So, the police investigated and they discovered that the guy was already in jail. The cops, being very confused at this point investigated to see how this guy could have done this crime. They soon discovered that the corrections officer involved with watching the inmates at that prison was letting them go outside for limited times, into the real world. They also had the privelige of watching T.V. and going on-line and other such things. When the proper authorities found out about this they were appalled and, of course, fired the corrections officer. But the guy who was suspected of the murder had an alibi –

He was in the jacuzzi at the time of the crime!

Clever Dog

A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again.

He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads, “Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.”

The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog’s mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog’s mouth.

The butcher is very impressed, and since it’s closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes.

The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. It does, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following.

The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.

Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again, the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it’s the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus.

The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.

They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!-against the door again! There’s no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door.

The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him.

The butcher runs up and stops the guy. “What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God’s sake!”

To which the guy responds, “Clever, my eye. This is the second time this week he’s forgotten his key!”

Cigarettes for the Wife

A man’s wife asked him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walked down to the store only to find it closed.

He went into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he saw a beautiful woman and started talking to her. I mean she was a knock out. She looked a lot like Karyn, she was tall, radiant, and very funny. Well, so they had a couple of beers, one thing lead to another and before too long, they ended up in her apartment. I mean how could he resist such a women.

They had the most incredible, most sensual sexual experience. It was amazing. After they’d had made love for hours, the man realized it was 3:00 a.m. and said, “Oh no … its so late, my wife’s going to kill me! Have you got any talcum powder?”

She thought to herself, talcum powder, what does he want with that? But she gave him some anyway, which he proceeded to rub on his hands and then he went home.

When he got home, his wife was waiting for him in the doorway, and boy was she ever mad.

“Where the hell have you been?” she yelled at him.

“Well, honey, its like this. Honey, you know I love you, I can’t lie to you. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to get you cigarettes out of the vending machine.

While I was there, I met this most amazing women. She was so beautiful and well we had a few drinks, and then one thing led to another and I ended going back to her place, and honey, I’m sorry …

I’ve been unfaithful to you. I went to bed with another women”

“Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!” exclaimed his wife. She saw his hands covered with talcum powder and she said, “You damn liar!!! You went bowling again, didn’t you!!”

Do You Know …

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial – a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?” She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defence attorney?” She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counsellors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!”

Firetruck

A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that little Johnny was wearing a red fire man’s hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever.

When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog’s testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.

Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, “That’s really a nice fire engine you have there son, but I’ll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck.”

“Yeah,” Johnny replied, “but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”

Love

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

What Is It?

A well dressed guy went into a bar for a martini and found himself beside a scruffy-looking drunk who kept mumbling and studying something in his hand. The guy leaned closer while the drunk held the tiny object up to the light, slurring, “Well, it looks like plastic.” Then he rolled it between his fingers, adding, “But it feels like rubber.”

Curious, the guy asked, “What do you have there?”

The drunk replied, “Damned if I know, but it looks like plastic and feels like rubber.”

The guy said, “Let me take a look.”

So the drunk handed it over. The guy rolled it between his thumb and fingers, then examined it closely. “Yeah, it does look like plastic and feels like rubber, but I don’t know what it is. Where did you get it anyway?”

The drunk replied, “Out of my nose.”

$80,000 Mortgage

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas.”

Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, “Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time.”

Well, about two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father asked him why he was leaving. The boy said, “Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I’ll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!”