An angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his collar. “I assume,” she snarled, “that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in here at six o’clock in the morning?”
“There is,” he replied. “Breakfast.”
These two guys had each just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.
They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, “Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.” The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys said “What’s that board for?” The trader said, “Well, where you’re going there are no women and you might need this.”
They said “No way! We’ve sworn off women for life!” The trader said, “Well, take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them I’ll refund your money next year. “Okay” they said and left.
Next year this guy came into the trader’s store and said “Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.” The trader said “Weren’t you in here last year with a partner?”
“Yeah” said the guy.
“Where is he?” asked the trader.
“I shot him” said the guy.
“Why?”
“I caught him in bed with my board.”
An elderly gentleman came home one night to find a homeless girl of about seventeen ransacking the place. He grabbed her by the arm and was just about to call the police when the girl dropped down on her knees and pleaded, “Please don’t call the police, mister, oh please! If you don’t, I’ll let you make love to me and do whatever you want with my body!”
The old man thought for a moment and decided to give in. Soon they were naked and in bed together. The old man tried hard and tried hard, but finally, he rolls over, exhausted, and embarrassed.
“I’m sorry, young lady … but it’s no use,” he gasped. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to call the police after all.”
A man is driving down the freeway when he sees a sign that says; “Get gas and free sex here.” Obviously the guy was interested, so he stopped, filled up went inside to pay.
“Pick a number from 1-10 to get free sex,” said the cashier.
“Uh, okay, three!” the man replied.
“Nope! Sorry, better luck next time.”
So the guy drove around for weeks always getting gas at the same place, because he wanted his free sex. One day he was really ticked:
“This has got to be rigged! I have NEVER gotten the number to have free sex!” He screamed.
“Oh no! It’s not rigged, just ask your wife, she won three times last week alone!”
One day little Johnny came up to his father and asked, “Dad, where did I come from?” Dad squirmed a bit, but thought it was time his son knew the facts of life. So, Dad told his son how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As Dad told the story, his son’s eyes got wider and wider.
When Dad was finished, his son said, “Wow, that’s really neat. That sure beats what Billy told me. He said that he came from Philadelphia.”
Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew.
“Wow,” Gary said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.”
“Like what?” Martin said.
“All twisted like a pig’s tail,” Gary said.
“Well, what’s yours like?” Martin said.
“Straight, like normal,” Gary said.
“I thought mine was normal until I saw yours,” Martin said.
Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. “What did you do that for?” Martin said.
“Shaking off the excess drops,” Gary said. “Like normal.”
“Cripes,” Martin said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it.”
Henry Ford died and went up to Heaven. Peter was there at the Pearly Gates.
“Name?”
“Ford. Henry Ford.”
“Occupation?”
“Inventor.”
Peter consults his clipboard.
“Right,” he says. “You’re in. Inventors are in 3C. Take the elevator. Third floor, turn right, third on the left.”
Ford finds the right door and goes in.
It’s an inventors paradise. In one corner, Edison is hobnobbing with Galileo. Archimedes is matching wits with Marconi in the center of the room. Anyone who ever invented anything is there.
Then a wild hairy looking guy wearing nothing but a fig-leaf comes up to him.
“You’re new here,” he says to Ford. “Who are you.”
“Ford. Henry Ford.”
“Nice to meet you, Mister Ford. What did you invent?”
“I,” said Ford proudly, “invented the world’s first practical mass-production motor car. Who are you, and what did YOU invent?”
“I’m Adam,” said the wild man. “I invented woman.”
“Ah,” said Ford. “Pleased to meet you. You know, I’ve been wanting to tell the inventor of woman something for a long time. You put the inlet valve too close to the outlet valve.”
Adam considered this for a while.
“Could be,” he conceded. “But there’s still a hell of a lot more people riding my model than riding yours.”
Little Johnny walks into the kitchen where his Mom is fixing dinner.
“Mom, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?” asks Little Johnny.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to pull it out?”
“No thanks, just the cider.”
“Well, sure,” responds Johnny’s mother and gives her boy the cider and watches him trot contentedly off.
About 15 minutes later Little Johnny returns to the kitchen and again asks his mother for a glass of cider. His mother, not wanting to question his reasoning, gives him another glass and again watches him leave happy.
Ten minutes later Little Johnny returns and once again asks for a glass of cider.
The mother complies with Johnny’s wishes again, but her curiosity has been peaked to the point where she can’t resist knowing why any longer. She wanders into the family room and Johnny sitting in front of the TV with his finger in the glass.
“Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass?” asks Johnny’s mother questioningly.
“Well, said Little Johnny, I heard Sis on the phone say that whenever she had a prick in her hand, she couldn’t wait to get it in cider.”
Recent reports indicate the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of improving. If anything, it’s getting worse.
Following last week’s news that Origami Bank had folded, it was today learned that Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 jobs at Karate Bank will be chopped. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.