Tag: Story


Homeless Girl

An elderly gentleman came home one night to find a homeless girl of about seventeen ransacking the place. He grabbed her by the arm and was just about to call the police when the girl dropped down on her knees and pleaded, “Please don’t call the police, mister, oh please! If you don’t, I’ll let you make love to me and do whatever you want with my body!”

The old man thought for a moment and decided to give in. Soon they were naked and in bed together. The old man tried hard and tried hard, but finally, he rolls over, exhausted, and embarrassed.

“I’m sorry, young lady … but it’s no use,” he gasped. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to call the police after all.”

Gas and Free Sex

A man is driving down the freeway when he sees a sign that says; “Get gas and free sex here.” Obviously the guy was interested, so he stopped, filled up went inside to pay.

“Pick a number from 1-10 to get free sex,” said the cashier.

“Uh, okay, three!” the man replied.

“Nope! Sorry, better luck next time.”

So the guy drove around for weeks always getting gas at the same place, because he wanted his free sex. One day he was really ticked:

“This has got to be rigged! I have NEVER gotten the number to have free sex!” He screamed.

“Oh no! It’s not rigged, just ask your wife, she won three times last week alone!”

Where Did I Come From?

One day little Johnny came up to his father and asked, “Dad, where did I come from?” Dad squirmed a bit, but thought it was time his son knew the facts of life. So, Dad told his son how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born. As Dad told the story, his son’s eyes got wider and wider.

When Dad was finished, his son said, “Wow, that’s really neat. That sure beats what Billy told me. He said that he came from Philadelphia.”

Corkscrew Penis

Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin’s penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

“Wow,” Gary said. “I’ve never seen one like that before.”

“Like what?” Martin said.

“All twisted like a pig’s tail,” Gary said.

“Well, what’s yours like?” Martin said.

“Straight, like normal,” Gary said.

“I thought mine was normal until I saw yours,” Martin said.

Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants. “What did you do that for?” Martin said.

“Shaking off the excess drops,” Gary said. “Like normal.”

“Cripes,” Martin said. “And all these years I’ve been wringing it.”

Henry Ford in Heaven

Henry Ford died and went up to Heaven. Peter was there at the Pearly Gates.

“Name?”

“Ford. Henry Ford.”

“Occupation?”

“Inventor.”

Peter consults his clipboard.

“Right,” he says. “You’re in. Inventors are in 3C. Take the elevator. Third floor, turn right, third on the left.”

Ford finds the right door and goes in.

It’s an inventors paradise. In one corner, Edison is hobnobbing with Galileo. Archimedes is matching wits with Marconi in the center of the room. Anyone who ever invented anything is there.

Then a wild hairy looking guy wearing nothing but a fig-leaf comes up to him.

“You’re new here,” he says to Ford. “Who are you.”

“Ford. Henry Ford.”

“Nice to meet you, Mister Ford. What did you invent?”

“I,” said Ford proudly, “invented the world’s first practical mass-production motor car. Who are you, and what did YOU invent?”

“I’m Adam,” said the wild man. “I invented woman.”

“Ah,” said Ford. “Pleased to meet you. You know, I’ve been wanting to tell the inventor of woman something for a long time. You put the inlet valve too close to the outlet valve.”

Adam considered this for a while.

“Could be,” he conceded. “But there’s still a hell of a lot more people riding my model than riding yours.”

Get it in Cider

Little Johnny walks into the kitchen where his Mom is fixing dinner.

“Mom, I got a splinter in my finger. Can I have a glass of cider?” asks Little Johnny.

“Are you sure you don’t want me to pull it out?”

“No thanks, just the cider.”

“Well, sure,” responds Johnny’s mother and gives her boy the cider and watches him trot contentedly off.

About 15 minutes later Little Johnny returns to the kitchen and again asks his mother for a glass of cider. His mother, not wanting to question his reasoning, gives him another glass and again watches him leave happy.

Ten minutes later Little Johnny returns and once again asks for a glass of cider.

The mother complies with Johnny’s wishes again, but her curiosity has been peaked to the point where she can’t resist knowing why any longer. She wanders into the family room and Johnny sitting in front of the TV with his finger in the glass.

“Why on earth do you have your finger in that glass?” asks Johnny’s mother questioningly.

“Well, said Little Johnny, I heard Sis on the phone say that whenever she had a prick in her hand, she couldn’t wait to get it in cider.”

Japanese Banking

Recent reports indicate the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of improving. If anything, it’s getting worse.

Following last week’s news that Origami Bank had folded, it was today learned that Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 jobs at Karate Bank will be chopped. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.

The Buffalo Theory

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Crazy Bats

Two bats were hanging up side down at 2:00 in the morning. One of the bats woke up and whacked his mate in the wing and asked him if he would like to go and get some blood, in which the other bat replied, “Are you crazy? Where the heck are we going to get blood at this hour of the morning?”

The first bat said, “I know just the place, come and I’ll promise you I will find us some blood!”

The 2nd bat bluntly refused, so the first took off to find his blood.

About an hour had past and the bat came back with blood dribbling out of his mouth covering his body and wings. The bat that didn’t go said “You lucky bat, where the heck did you find blood at this hour of the morning?” to which the first replied – “Do you see that tree over there?”

“Yeah, sort of.” he replied

“WELL I DIDN’T!!!!!”

The Hills

Bob Hill and his new wife Betty were vacationing in Europe, as it happens, near Transylvania. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway. It was late, and raining very hard. Bob could barely see 20 feet in front of the car.

Suddenly the car skids out of control! Bob attempts to control the car, but to no avail! The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later, Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. Dazed, he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious, with her head bleeding!

Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to carry her to the nearest phone.

Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road. After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from an old, large house. He approaches the door and knocks.

A minute passes. A small, hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, “Hello, my name is Bob Hill, and this is my wife Betty. We’ve been in a terrible accident, and my wife has been seriously hurt. Can I please use your phone?”

“I’m sorry,” replied the hunchback, “but we don’t have a phone. My master is a Doctor; come in and I will get him!”

Bob brings his wife in. An elegant man comes down the stairs. “I’m afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor; I am a scientist. However, it is many miles to the nearest clinic, and I have had a basic medical training. I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory.”

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs, with Bob following closely. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination, Igor’s master looks worried. “Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion.” Igor and his master work feverishly, but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills’ deaths upset Igor’s master greatly. Wearily, he climbs the steps to his conservatory, which houses his grand piano. For it is here that he has always found solace. He begins to play, and a stirring, almost haunting, melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is still in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement, and he notices the fingers on Betty’s hand twitch. Stunned, he watches as Bob’s arm begins to rise! He is further amazed as Betty sits straight up!

Unable to contain himself, he dashes up the stairs to the conservatory. He bursts in and shouts to his master:

“Master, Master! … The Hills are alive with the sound of music!