Way down upon the Mississippi, two tugboat captains who had been friends for years, would always cry “Aye!” and blow their whistles whenever they passed each other.
A new crewman asked his boat’s mate, “What do they do that for?”
The mate looked surprised and replied, “You mean that you’ve never heard of … an aye for an aye and a toot for a toot?”
An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown and whispered, “Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it!”
“Dear,” the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, “I’m so relieved that you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you’re cute!”
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist.
After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph’s condition could be cured through corrective surgery.
“How long will Ralph be on crutches?” the wife asked anxiously.
“Crutches? Why would he need crutches?” responded the surprised doctor.
“Well,” said the wife coldly, “You ARE planning to lengthen Ralph’s legs, aren’t you ?”
A little boy came down to breakfast. Since he lived on a farm, his mother asked if he had done his chores. “Not yet” said the little boy.
His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal. “How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, either. I also saw you kick the cow, so you aren’t getting any milk this morning.”
Just about then, his father comes down for breakfast, and he kicks the cat as he’s walking into the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or Should I?”
An investment counselor went out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized she needed an in-house counsel, so she began interviewing young lawyers.
“As I’m sure you can understand,” she started off with one of the first applicants, “in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question.” She leaned forward.
“Mr. Peterson, are you an ‘honest’ lawyer?”
“Honest?” replied the job prospect. “Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I’m so honest that my father lent me fifteen thousand dollars for my education and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.”
“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, “He sued me for the money.”
Three buddies decided to take their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The week flew by and they all had a great time. After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their vacation.
The first guy says, “I don’t think I’ll ever do that again! Ever since we got back, my old lady flings her arms and hollers seven come 11 all night and I haven’t had a wink of sleep!”
The second guy says, “I know what you mean … my old lady played blackjack the whole time we were there and she slaps the bed all night and hollers hit me light or hit me hard and I haven’t had a wink of sleep either!”
The third guy says, “You guys think you have it bad! … My old lady played the slots the whole time we were there and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters.”
A ventriloquist is touring working men’s clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He is going through his “stupid blonde” jokes when a big blonde woman stands on her chair and shouts, “I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating jokes, you arsehole! What does a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It’s men like you who keep women like me from reaching my full potential, because you perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large, all in the name of humor.”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize when the blonde pipes up again. “You stay out of this,” she says. “I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!”
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!”
Jim says, “Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?”
So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and get completely smashed.
The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings … It’s Jim. Jim says, “Hey, how do you feel this morning?”
Bud says, “I feel great. How about you?”
Jim says, “I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?”
Bud says, “No, that jet fuel is great stuff – no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.”
“Yeah, well there’s just one thing …”
“What’s that?”
“Have you farted yet?”
“No …”
“Well, DON’T, ’cause I’m in PHOENIX!
A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over. They were all shouting. “Give me your hand!” but the man would not reach up.
Jack elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. “Friend,” he asked, “what is your profession?”
“I am an income tax inspector,” gasped the man. “In that case,” said Jack, “take my hand!”
The man immediately grasped Jack’s hand and was hauled to safety. Jack turned to the amazed by-standers. “Never ask a tax man to ‘give’ you anything, you fools.”
A man and wife were playing in their club’s annual “Guys and Dolls” tournament. The man was not happy about having to play, but his wife had insisted.
On the 12th tee, his patience had reached its limit. While his wife wasted time on the ladies tee, he decided to go ahead and hit his drive from the men’s. Unfortunately, he misjudged his shot and his ball hit his wife in the back of the head, killing her instantly.
At the hospital the doctor came to talk to the husband. “Mr. Davies, we found a golf ball lodged three inches into your wife’s brain, which was the cause of death. But, we have found something else that really puzzles us.”
“What is it?” asked Mr. Davies.
“Well,” said the doctor, “we also found a golf ball lodged six inches into her anal cavity.”
The husband dismissed the doctor with a wave of his hand “Oh, that was just my Mulligan!”