Tag: Story


Dormitory Rules

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.” He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?”

At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, “How much for a season pass?”

Confessions

A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married. Before getting there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make: the reason that they have not been too intimate is because she is very flat-chested. If he wishes to cancel the wedding, it’s okay with her. The guy thought about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not the most important thing in a marriage.

Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, its okay with him. The girl thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.

They were happy that they are honest with each other. They went on to Vegas and got married. On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes, she was flat as a washboard. Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance at the guy’s naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

After she became conscious the guy asked: “I told you before we got married, why did you still faint?”

The girl said: “You told me it was just like a baby.”

The guy replied: “It is! 8 pounds and 21 inches.”

Golf Aim

A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, “What’s taking so long? Hit the blasted ball already!”

The guy answers, “My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot.”

“Forget it, man-you don’t stand a snowball’s chance in hell of hitting her from here!”

The Blonde Wife

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself.

Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, “shut up … you’re next!”

The Programmer

There was an engineer, manager, and a programmer driving down a steep mountain road. The brakes failed and the car careened down the road out of control. Half way down the driver managed to stop the car by running it against the embankment narrowly avoiding careening off the cliff. They all got out, shaken by their narrow escape from death, but otherwise unharmed.

The manager said, “To fix this problem we need to organize a committee, have meetings, and through process of continuous improvement, develop a solution.” The engineer said, “No that would take too long, besides that method never worked before. I have my trusty pen knife here and will take apart the brake system, isolate the problem and correct it.” The programmer said, “I think your both wrong! I think we should all push the car back up the hill and see if it happens again.”

Earring

Steve is at work one day when he notices that his coworker is wearing an earring. Steve knows his coworker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”

Steve walks up to him and questions, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”

“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he sheepishly replies.

“So, really? How long have you been wearing one?”

“Ever since my wife found it in our bed.”

Doughboy Dead At 71

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh, died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including: Mrs.Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies. The gravesite was piled high with flours and longtime friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who “never knew how much he was kneaded.”

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, squandering much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

Intimate Mother/Daugher Discussion

A mother and her daughter are walking along the beach one evening. The sun was setting and the cool breeze coming in off the ocean was absolutely wonderful.

The girl says, “Mom, my breasts have really begun growing. Do you think I should start wearing a larger bra?”

The Mom thinks for a moment and then says, “Sure, honey, we’ll go to the store tomorrow and buy my baby a beautiful peach colored lace bra that fits properly.”

A few minutes later the girl says, “Mom, I’m starting to grow a lot of hair down “there”. Do you think it would be OK to start trimming it a bit?”

Mom reflects on this question and responds, “Why sure, honey, we’ll buy some fine trimming scissors while at the store purchasing your new pretty lace bra.”

A little later the girl asks another question, “Tommy asked me to kiss him yesterday. I really like him. Do you think that would be ladylike for me to allow him just one tiny kiss?”

The Mother is getting nervous now, but finally replies, Darling, I believe that would perfectly OK, but you mustn’t allow him to do anything else. OK, my dear?”

“Sure Mom, I understand and I truly respect your judgement.” replies the daughter.

A few more minutes went by and the girl tenderly grabs her mother’s hand and looks her in the eyes, saying, “Mom, am I old enough to start douching?”

The Mother is now speechless, having given her daughter all this very open and candid advice. She thought for several minutes and spoke her final words of wisdom, “Sweetie, that’s too difficult a question for me to answer. Why don’t you ask one of those seagulls that’s been following you for hours!”

A Penquin

A penguin is driving through Arizona on a hot summer’s day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it’s leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it.

The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car.

The penguin agrees and goes for a walk. He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot since he’s a penguin and its Arizona in the summer, after all.

He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice cream. Of course he has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth – a total mess.

He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic, “Did you find out what is wrong with my car?” The mechanic replies, “It looks like you’ve blown a seal.”

“No no,” says the penguin. “It’s just ice cream.”

Shoot The Wife

“So let me get this straight,” the prosecutor says to the defendant, “you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man.”

“That’s correct,” says the defendant.

“Upon which,” continues the prosecutor, “you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her.”

“That’s correct,” says the defendant.

“Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?” asked the prosecutor.

“It seemed easier,” replied the defendant, “than shooting a different man every day!”