Tag: Story



A Penquin

A penguin is driving through Arizona on a hot summer’s day when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure enough, it’s leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drives around the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at it.

The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car.

The penguin agrees and goes for a walk. He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream will really hit the spot since he’s a penguin and its Arizona in the summer, after all.

He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice cream. Of course he has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth – a total mess.

He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic, “Did you find out what is wrong with my car?” The mechanic replies, “It looks like you’ve blown a seal.”

“No no,” says the penguin. “It’s just ice cream.”

Shoot The Wife

“So let me get this straight,” the prosecutor says to the defendant, “you came home from work early and found your wife in bed with a strange man.”

“That’s correct,” says the defendant.

“Upon which,” continues the prosecutor, “you take out a pistol and shoot your wife, killing her.”

“That’s correct,” says the defendant.

“Then my question to you is, why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?” asked the prosecutor.

“It seemed easier,” replied the defendant, “than shooting a different man every day!”

Morning Ritual

This British explorer is in the dark jungle, going where no Western man has gone before. Accompanying him is his trusted guide, interpreter, cook, and trouble-shooter in one. One day early in the morning, they arrive at a lake and find a handsome dark young man engaged in “playful activities” with ten beautiful, dark, young women, who are all in the nude. The young man had the biggest, strongest penis the British Explorer had ever seen, or even imagined. He was simply awed. He asked his guide who this man was?

“He is the prince of the tribe that lives on the other side of the lake, Sir,” came the reply. “This is his morning ritual.”

“Ask him,” the awed Brit said to his companion, “how did his penis get to be this size?”

The guide goes to the lake and talks to the man, who seems to get very agitated by the conversation.

“Well, what did he say?” asked our hero to his assistant on his return.

“He said, ‘There’s nothing wrong with my penis. Doesn’t the white man’s shrink in cold water?’

Lost Sex Drive

This little old lady goes to the doctor to tell him that she suspected that her husband had lost his sex drive. The doc thought that the lady was a little senile, and asked her a couple of questions. “How old are you?”

“I’m 88,” came the reply.

“And how old is your husband?”

“He’s 93,” she said.

Thinking that he was really on to something here, his next question was, “Tell me, when did you first notice that your husband lost his drive?”

The lady answered, “Last night, and again this morning.”

Blind Date

Joe sets up Michael to go on a blind date with a friend of his. But Michael is a little worried about going out with someone he’s never seen before.

“What do I do if she’s ugly?” says Mike, “I’ll be stuck with her all night.”

“Don’t worry,” Joe says, “just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see then everything goes as planned. If you don’t just shout Aaaaaauuuggghhh! and fake an asthma attack.”

So that night, Mike knocks at the girl’s door and when she comes out he is awe-struck at how beautiful and sexy she is.

He’s about to speak when the girl suddenly shouts … “Aaaaaauuuggghhh!”

Two Blondes

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn’t. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, “Hurry up! It’s starting to rain and the top is down.”

Five Questions Most Feared By Men

The 5 questions most feared by men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analysed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I’ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.” This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Football.
b. Golf.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”

Question # 2: Do you love me?
The proper response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”

Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, shit-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”
Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I’ve seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she’s prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an mphatic: “Of course not!”
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question. (The real answer, of course, is “Buy a Lotus and a Boat”).

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not – don’t you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I’d get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can’t use them; she’s left-handed.
WOMAN: – – – silence – – –
MAN: Shit.

Jewish/Taiwanese Pilots

An airplane takes off from the airport. The captain is Jewish and the first officer is Taiwan Chinese. It’s the first time they’ve flown together and it’s obvious by the silence that they don’t get along.

After thirty minutes, the Jewish Captain speaks, “I don’t like Chinese.”

The First Officer replies, “Ooooh, no like Chinese? Why ees that?”

The Captain says, “You bombed Pearl Harbor. That’s why I don’t like Chinese.”

The F.O. says, “Nooooo, noooo … Chinese not bomb Pearl Harbah. That Japanese, not Chinese.”

And the Captain answers, “Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese … it doesn’t matter, they’re all alike.”

Another thirty minutes of silence. Finally the F.O. says, “No like Jew.”

The Captain replies, “Why not? Why don’t you like Jews?”

F.O. says, “Jews sink Titanic.”

The Captain tries to correct him,

“No, no. The Jews didn’t sink the Titanic. It was an iceberg.”

The F.O. replies, “Iceberg, Goldberg, Rosenberg, no mattah … all same.”