Tag: Story


In honor of an anonymous Drag Queen

I’m glad to be a Drag Queen, of that I am so proud,
I squeeze into tight spandex, three sizes way too small,
I’m altogether bitchy, annoying and so loud,
My shoes are size 11, so I stand tall at the mall.

I’m always on a diet, so the gals will envy me,
Except that chocolate cake, but it won’t touch my waist,
But eating is so terrible, the makeup runs you see,
And always always near to me, you’ll find my makeup case.

It simply takes me hours to properly fix my hair,
And when I use the bathroom, people always stand and stare.
And when I hit the dance floor, and my boobs start drifting low,
Some kindly man will help me, with hands just slightly slow.

I have such intuition, but I’m forever getting lost.
I shirk the household duties, I leave them for the boss.
And when she say to do them, I smile and give a toss,
I tell her that her girlfriend just called just to say piss off.

I cry and weep forelornly whenever Bambi’s shot,
He’s such a sweet young dear, just like my boyfriend Scott.
I go out to the night clubs, in a black tight mini-skirt,
Cause its fun to sleeze around, or sometimes to just flirt.

I’m proud to be a Drag Queen, I’m proud to be a tart,
I love to have you watch me, no matter where you start.
I’m gay, I’m queer and gorgeous, And women stare and stew,
But always, always lover, I’m too much man for you.

Shakespearean Insult

A man and his son recently moved to Texas. One Saturday afternoon they decided to take a walk through the park. During the walk the boy sees two cowboys walk by.

“Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!”

The father is surprised by this and tells his son that that is not very nice language to use.

A few minutes later, two more cowboys walk by and again the boy yells, “Dad, look at thoses bow legged bastards!”

The father, quite upset now turns to his son and says, “I told you not to say that and I do not want to hear it again, or else.”

Just a few minutes go by and another pair of cowboys walk by and once again the child yells, “Dad, look at those bow-legged bastards!”

“Thats it!” the father yells, and takes the child home and locks him in his room with the complete works of Shakespeare.

Two weeks later, he lets his son out and notices that he has taken to speaking like Shakespeare wrote. This impressed the father so he decided to take his son out for another walk through the park.

As they were walking a pair of cowboys walk past them.

The boy turns to his father and says, “Father, what strange men are these, whose balls hang in parenthesis?”

Pearly Gates

A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.

She asked him, “Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It’s so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?” To which St. Peter replied, “Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter.”

The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates.

“Spell a word,” St. Peter replied. “What word?” she asked. “Any word,” answered St. Peter. “It’s your choice.”

The woman promptly replied, “Then the word I will spell is love. L-o-v-e.”

St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.

“I’d be honored,” she said, “but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?”

St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.

So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter’s chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her, when lo and behold, a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.

“What happened?” she cried, “Why are you here?”

Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, “I was so upset when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?” to which the woman replied, “Not yet. You must spell a word first.”

“What word?” he asked. The woman responded, “Czechoslovakia.”

Trooper

Two yankee boys were driving through the South and was stopped by a State Trooper. The trooper walked up to the open driver’s window, reached in, and slapped the driver on the side of his head.

“What did you do that for?” the driver asked.

“I don’t know how yall do it up north but here in Georgia, you have your drivers license ready when I walk up to the car.”

The trooper took the license when it was offered, walked back to his unit and then returned the license to the driver. He then walked around to the passenger side of the car and tappped on the window. When the passenger rolled the window down, the trooper reached in and slapped the passenger on the side of the head.

“What did you do that for?” asked the startled passenger.

“Well”, responded the trooper, “I did not want you to be disappointed. You’ll get about two miles down the road and then say, ‘I wish that redneck SOB woulda tried that with me?'”

Pope and the Queen

The Pope and Queen Elizabeth were standing on a balcony beaming at thousands of people in the forecourt below. The Queen says to the Pope out of the corner of her mouth “I bet you a tenner that I can make every English person in the crowd go wild with just a wave of my hand.”

The Pope says, “No way. You can’t do that.”

The Queen says, “Watch this.”

So the Queen waves her hand and every English person in the crowd goes crazy, waving their little plastic Union Jacks on sticks and cheering, basically going ballistic.

So the Pope is standing there going, “Uh oh, what am I going to do? I never thought she’d be able to do it.”

So he thinks to himself for a minute and then he turns to her and says, “I bet you I can make every IRISH person in the crowd go wild, not just now, but for the rest of the week, with just one nod of my head.”

The Queen goes, “No way, it can’t be done.”

So the Pope headbutts her.

Christian Preachers

Three Christian preachers and their wives were on a tour of the Middle East, when a land mine destroyed their bus and killed them. The three couples found themselves on a golden path which led to St. Peter’s desk just outside the pearly gates. On his desk was a giant book and two buttons — one red, one white.

The first couple approached the desk and the man proudly proclaimed that he was a minister of the gospel. St. Peter said, “Okay, but I’ve got to find you in the book first. Lessee … Yes, it says here you were a preacher, but it also says you were obsessed with MONEY. You loved money far more than you loved God. You even married a woman named Penny!”

St. Peter pushed the red button. A trapdoor opened and the couple fell screaming down to Hell.

The second couple approached and the man again proudly proclaimed that he was a minister of the gospel. St. Peter looked him up in the book and said, “Okay, but it says here you were obsessed with LIQUOR. You loved alcohol far more than you loved God. You even married a woman named Brandy!”

St. Peter pushed the red button. A trapdoor opened and the couple fell screaming down to Hell.

The third preacher turned around, took his wife by the arm and said, “Come on, Fanny, let’s see if we can find the stairs.”

Normal Sex Life

A surgeon went to check on his very famous patient after an operation. She was awake, so he examined her. “You’ll be fine,” he said.

She asked, “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl. “What’s the matter Doctor? I will be alright, won’t I?”

He replied, “Yes, you’ll be fine, Miss Lewinsky. It’s just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.”

The Legless Parrot

A guy decides that maybe he’d like to have a pet and goes to a pet shop. After looking around he spots a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says out loud, “Geez, I wonder what happened to this parrot?”

The parrot answers the guy’s question, “I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.” “Ha, ha,” the guy laughs. “It sounded like this parrot actually understood what I said and answered me.”

“I understood every word,” says the parrot. “I am a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird.”

“Oh, yeah?” the guy asks. “Then answer this : how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?”

“Well,” the parrot says, “this is a little embarrassing, but since you asked I’ll tell you. I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can’t see it cause of my feathers.”

“Wow,” says the guy, “you really can understand and answer, can’t you?”

“Of course. I speak both Spanish and English. I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any subject: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy … and I am especially good at ornithology. You ought to buy me. I am a great companion.”

The guy looks at the price tag. $200. He says. “I can’t afford that.”

“Pssst,” the parrot hisses, motioning the guy over with one wing. “Nobody wants me cause I don’t have any feet. You can get me for $20, just make an offer.” The guy offers 20 dollars and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He’s funny, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, sympathises, gives good advice. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, “Pssst,” and motions him over with one wing. The guy goes up close to the cage. “I don’t know if I should tell you this or not,” says the parrot, “but it’s about your wife and the mailman …”

“What?” says the guy. “What?”

“Well,” the parrot says, “when the mailman came to the door today your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth.”

“What happened then?” asks the guy.

“Then the mailman came into the house and lifted up the nightgown and began petting her all over,” reports the parrot.

“My God!!” the guy says. “Then what?”

“Then he lifted up the nightgown, got down on his knees and began to lick her body, starting with her breasts slowly going down and down …” The parrot pauses for a long time …

“What happened? What happened?” says the frantic guy.

“I don’t know,” says the parrot, “My dick got hard and I fell off my perch.”

Mildred

Poor Mildred was a 93 year old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl.

She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.

“On a woman,” the doctor said, “your heart would be just below your left breast.”

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.

Pancakes

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'”

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”