Construction Communication

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw, and spots another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but the noise makes it impossible to hear anything, so he tries sign language.

He points at his eye meaning “I”, points at his knee
meaning “need”, and moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion. The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts masturbating.

The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to
the 1st floor and shouts, “What the f*ck is wrong with you, idiot? I said I needed a handsaw!”

The other guy says, “I knew that, I was just trying to
tell you I’m coming.”

Patrick the Bartender

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, orders a drink. As he’s enjoying his drink, the bartender says, “You know, I built this very bar with me bare hands but they don’t call me Patrick the barbuilder”.

The guy just sits enjoying his drink and says, “that’s too bad” in a non-enthusiastic voice. The guy finishes his drink, orders another one and about 5 minutes later the bartender says, “I built these stools with me bare hands but they don’t call me Patrick the Stoolbuilder”.

The guy just shrugs it off again and keeps drinking his drink and about 5 mintutes later the bartender says, “I built this countertop with me bare hands but they don’t call me Patrick the countertopbuilder”.

The guy does the same thing and keeps enjoying his drink. A minute later the bartender says, “But you fuck one sheep.”

The Farmer and the Lawyer

A bigshot city lawyer and an old country farmer got into a car wreck. They both got out of their cars to survey the damage, and the farmer realized he was at fault.

After looking over the impeccably dressed and dignified lawyer in his $2,000 suit, silk tie, starched white shirt and polished wingtip shoes, the farmer walked back to his car, got out a bottle, and brought it back. He handed it to the lawyer, and said, “Here, you look pretty shook up. I think you ought to take a nip of this; it

Cowboy in the Desert

A modern-day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He’s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There’s a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

“Well, cowboy,” says the genie … “You know how I work. You have three wishes.”

“I’m not falling for this.” Says the man. “I’m not going to trust an IRS auditor genie.”

“What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!”

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

“OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.”

*** POOF ***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

“OK, cowpoke, what’s your second wish.”

“My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.”

*** POOF ***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

“OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, “I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.”

*** POOF ***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:

If the government offers you anything, there’s going to be a string attached.

Santa is Quitting

T’was the night before Christmas–Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.

Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works!

I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year,
Instead of “Thanks Santa”–what do I hear?

The old lady bitches cause I work late at night.
The elves want more money–the reindeer all fight.

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.

And just when I thought that things would get better,
Those assholes from the IRS sent me a letter.

They say I owe taxes–if that ain’t damn funny.
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?

And the kids these days–they all are the pits.
They want the impossible–those mean little shits.

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls…their arms, legs and heads.

I made a ton of yo yo’s–NO request for them.
They want computers and robots…they think I’m IBM!

Flying through the air…dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.

I’m quitting this job…there’s just no enjoyment.
I’ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.

There’s no Christmas this year now you know the reason,
I found me a blonde. I’m going SOUTH for the season!

Can We Talk?

Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in an airplane. One guy says to the other, “May we talk? … I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses andĀ asks, “What would you like to discuss?”

The first guy says, “Oh, I don’t know; how about Nuclear Power?”

The other guy says, “OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first … A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow excretes big patties, and the horse excretes clumps of dried grass … Why is that?”

The first guy says, “Gee, I don’t know.”

The other guy says, “Oh? … Well then, do you really think you’re qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you really don’t know shit?”

Santa

A beautiful innocent young lady wants to meet Santa Claus so she puts on a robe and stays up late on Christmas Eve. Santa arrives, climbs down the chimney, and begins filling the socks. He is about to leave when the girl, who happens to be a gorgeous redhead, says in a sexy voice.. “Oh Santa, please stay. Keep the chill away.”

Santa replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, gotta go, Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”

The girl drops the robe to reveal a sexy bra and panties and says in an even sexier voice, “Oh Santa, don’t run a mile; just stay for awhile…”

Santa begins to sweat but replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go. Gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”

The girl takes off her bra and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay.”

Santa wipes his brow but replies, “HO HO HO, Gotta go, Gotta go, gotta get the presents to the children, you know.”

She loses the panties and says, “Oh Santa… Please… Stay….”

Santa, with sweat pouring off his brow, says, “HEY HEY HEY, Gotta stay, Gotta stay, Can’t get up the chimney with my pecker this way!!!”

Ranks of Importance

One day at a meeting, the manager of a large corporation asked his employees what the most important part of the body was. One replied the heart, you would die if it stopped beating. One guy said the brain, it helps your body to function. Then the boss said, you’re all wrong, its the asshole. It makes sure whatever is not needed any longer is gotten rid of.