A son calls his mother. Mom how are you. Mom replies. Not too good. I haven’t eaten in 38 days. Replying with concern, the son asks “what’s the matter Mom, are you not feeling well, have you been to the doctor?” Mom replies, not that, “I didn’t want to have my mouth full of food when you called.”
Tag: Story
Bubba with 911
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
“Where do you live?” asked the operator.
Bubba replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.”
The operator asked, “Can you spell that for me?”
“There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, “How ’bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?”
Hello …
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whispered, “Hello?”
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, “Is your Daddy home?”
“Yes”, whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?” the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, “No.”
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes”, came the answer.
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. “Is there any one there besides you?” the boss asked the child.
“Yes” whispered the child, “A policeman”.
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?, asked the boss. “Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper”, answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, “Why are they there”?
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: “They’re looking for me …”
Toothbrush Invention
Research had been going on for many years as to the invention of the toothbrush. Researchers knew the purpose of the device, but wanted to know and acknowledge the originating location. After a very long and exasperating study, the researchers came to their conclusion as to the origin of the toothbrush. It was decided that the brush was invented in Tennessee.
Intrigued with the discovery, the researchers were asked by the media how they came to the conclusion. They all agreed it was a simple deduction, “If it was invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.”
Southern Belle
A young Southern belle came to the hospital for a check-up.
“Have you ever been x-rayed?”, asked the doctor.
“Nope,” she replied, “But ah’ve been ultra-violated.”
The Reporter
A reporter walked up to a group of four guys on the street. There was a Saudi Arabian, a Russian, a North Korean, and a New Yorker. He asked them, “Excuse me, what’s your opinion of the meat shortage?”
The Saudi replied, “What’s a shortage?”
The Russian asked, “What is meat?”
The North Korean said, “What is an opinion?”
And the New Yorker says, “What’s excuse me?”
Transatlantic Flight
On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and the situation becomes extremely perilous when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses control and stands up in the front of the plane. Sobbing, she screams, “I’m too young to die!”. A moment later she wails, “If I am going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I have had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?!”. For a moment there is silence. The passengers have forgotten their own peril, and they stare, riveted, at the
desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Suddenly, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says. He is gorgeous, tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes. He begins to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves or speaks, transfixed. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as this strange, swarthy man approaches.
He removes his shirt, revealing his tanned flesh. The muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches for her, extending his arms and the shirt to the trembling woman. He reaches her, finally, and whispers, “Iron this.”
Super Bowl Sunday
A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He’s closer to the Goodyear Blimp than he is to the field.
About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?”
The man says no.
Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?”
The man replies, “well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.
This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together at since we got married in 1967.”
“Well, that’s really sad,” said Joe, “but still, you couldn’t find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?”
“No,” the man replies, “they’re all at the funeral.”
Rope
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding, they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks, “What are they doing, honey?” The husband answers, “They’re roping!” She replies, “Oh, I see!” After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, “What are they doing, honey?” The husband answers, “They’re roping!” She replies, “Oh, I see!” Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each other’s body. The bride discovers her husband’s penis. “What is that?” she asks. “That’s my rope,” he answers. She slides her hands down further and gasps, “What are those?” she asks. “They’re my knots,” he answers. Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, “Stop honey, wait a minute! Her husband asks, “What’s the matter honey, am I hurting you? “No,” the bride replies, “undo those knots. I need more rope!”
Beach Learning
A mother and father took their six year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had breasts bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.
She told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”
The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger members than his dad.
His mother replied, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”
Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.
Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.”