There’s a trucker in Florida and he has a truckload of metal pipes to deliver to California in two weeks or less. Well, he’s been a trucker for so long that he knows it will only take him a week. So he calls up his boss and asks if he can stop in Pueblo, Colorado to see his wife for an evening. His boss replies, “No. Get the pipes to Cali and I’ll give you a weeks paid vacation to be with your wife.” He hangs up. “Dammit!” Then he thinks, “Well, maybe if I juggle my log a little, I can stop and see her without him ever knowing. So he hauls balls across the states, gets to Pueblo and stops at his house. He silently unlocks the door and enters. He creeps up the stairs and into their bedroom. Then he slides under the covers and starts eating her out. She’s moainin’ and groanin’ and tossin’ all over. She orgasms and he goes down stairs and makes himself a sandwich. Just as he takes his first bite, his wife walks in and says, “Shh! Your mother’s asleep upstairs.”
Tag: Story
Gay Bob
Gay Bob goes into the doctor’s office and has some tests run. The doctor comes back and says, “Bob, I’m not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.”
Bob is devastated. “Doc, what can I do?”
“Eat 1 sausage,1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of
Grapenuts cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice.”
Bob asks, “Will that cure me, Doc?”
Doc says, “No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your ass is for.”
Nice Ass
An eldery couple were siting on a bench in a park when a beautiful blonde with a very short skirt were passing by. The old man was looking at her legs and even the ass that could be seen because of the unusual short skirt she was wearing.
The old woman (his wife) said: What are you looking at? You like her ass ha?
No, the old man replied, I was looking at her shoes.
Oh yeah, said his wife, OK what color were the shoes?
The old man caught in the middle replies: The ass’ color?!!
Rule of Life
A madam opened the brothel door to see Joe; a rather slight, slick looking, well-dressed, middle-aged gentleman standing there.
“May I help you?” the madam asked.
“I want to see Natalie,” Joe replied.
“Sir, Natalie busy right now. Besides she is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps someone else…”
“No, I must see Natalie.”
Just then Natalie appeared and explained to Joe that she charges $1,000 per visit.
Without blinking, Joe reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, after which Joe calmly left. The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie.
Natalie explained that it was very rare for anyone to come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts … it was still $1,000 a visit. Again, Joe took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later he left. When he showed up on the third consecutive night no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went.
At the end of the hour Natalie questioned Joe: “No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?”
Joe replied, “I’m from Maryland.”
“Really?” replied Natalie, “I have family who lives there.”
“Yes, I know”, said Joe. “Your father died and I’m your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance.”
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MORAL – Some things in life are certain:
Death
Taxes
Being screwed by an attorney.
Swim To The Island
There were three people on an island a redhead, a brunette, and a blonde. They had to swim twenty miles to get to a civilization. The redhead goes first and swims five miles and dies. The brunette goes next and swims fourteen miles and dies. The blonde goes last. She swims nineteen miles decides she get tried and swims back to the island.
Two blondes and the car
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn’t. The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, “Hurry up! It’s starting to rain and the top is down.
Show Fur
The all-knowing, all-seeing Karnak held the envelope to his forehead and, while devining the question inside said, “Show Fur”.
He then opened the envelope and read, “What Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears and Jennifer Lopez will do if their pants get any lower.”
Legs
One day a man got injured in a car crash. He was alive but he had to be sent to a hospital. When he woke up he shouted, “I can’t feel my legs.”
“I know” the docter said, “I’ve amputated you arms.”
Making Babies
The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, “I’m off. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning madam. I’ve come to….”
“Oh, no need to explain. I’ve been expecting you, ” Mrs. Smith cut in.
“Really?” the photographer asked. “Well, good! I’ve made a specialty of babies.”
“That’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work for Harry and me.”
“Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“My, that’s a lot of …” gasped Mrs. Smith.
“Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but you’d be disappointed with that, I’m sure.”
“Don’t I know it,,” Mrs. Smith said quietly. The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.
“This was done on the top of a bus.”
“Oh my god!!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief. “And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult ?” asked Mrs. Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look.”
“Four and five deep?” asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
“Yes,” the photographer said. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.”
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “You mean they actually chewed on your, um..equipment ?”
“That’s right. Well, madam, if you’re ready, I’ll set up my tripod so that we can get to work.”
“Tripod??”
“Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big for me to hold very long.
Madam? Madam?….. Good Lord, she’s fainted!”
Six Levels of Hangovers
* 1 star hangover
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Your sleep last night was a mere disco nap, which has given you a whole lot of misplaced energy. Be glad that you are able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 10 sodas and still feel this way. You are craving a steak bomb and a side of gravy fries.
** 2 star hangover
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only exacerbating your rumbling gut, which is craving a rootie tootie fresh and fruity pancake breakfast from IHOP. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
*** 3 star hangover
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive.
Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the random gin shots you did with your alcoholic friends after the bouncer 86’d you at 1:45 a.m. Life would be better right now if you were in your bed with a dozen donuts and a meatball hero watching the E! fashion awards. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 Snapples and a liter of diet coke-yet you haven’t pee’d once.
**** 4 star hangover
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can’t speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you missed an oh-so crucial spot shaving,(girls, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big vein and your hair style makes you look like a reject from the class picture of Grover Cleveland HS, class of ’84.
***** 5 star hangover, aka “Dante’s 4th Circle of Hell.”
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the shit fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva, so your tongue is suffocating you. Death seems pretty good right now. You definitely don’t remember who you were with, where you were, what you drank, and why there is a stranger still sleeping in your bed at your otherwise empty house.
****** 6 star hangover
Otherwise known as the “Infinite Nut smacker” You wake up on your bathroom floor. For about 2 seconds you look at the ceiling, wondering if the cool refreshing feeling on your cheek is the bathroom tile or your vomit from 5 hours ago. It is amazing how your roommate was as drunk as you, but somehow managed to getup before you. You try to lift your head. Not an option. Then you inadvertently turn your head too quickly and smell the funk of 13 packs of cigarettes in your hair. Suddenly you realize you were smoking, but not ultra lights…some jackass handed you Marlboro reds, and you smoked them like it was your second full time job. You look in the mirror only to see remnants of the stamp “Ready to Rock” faintly atop your forehead……the stamp on the back of your hand that has magically appeared on your forehead by alcoholic osmosis. You have to be to work in t-minus 14 minutes and 32 seconds and the only thing you can think of wearing is your “hello kitty” pajamas and your slippers.