Category: Animals



Little Red Riding Hood

Little Red Riding Hood is skipping down the road when she sees the Big Bad Wolf crouched down behind a log.

“My what big eyes you have, Mr. Wolf,” says Little Red Riding Hood. The surprised wolf jumps up and runs away!!!

Further down the road Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf again; this time he is crouched behind a tree stump.

“My what big ears you have Mr. Wolf,” says Little Red Riding Hood. Again the foiled wolf jumps up and runs away. About 2 miles down the road, Little Red Riding Hood sees the wolf this time crouched down behind a road sign.

“My what big teeth you have Mr. Wolf,” taunts Little Red Riding Hood.

With that the Big Bad Wolf jumps up and screams…

“Will you get lost! I’m trying to poop!”

A Dog’s Normal Day

1. Rise at 5:30 and Wet-nose the master.

2. Go you and Pee on the world.

3. Make Poopy.

4. Sniff Poopy.

5. Seriously consider eating poopy.

6. Eat funny looking bug instead.

7. Throw up bug parts on living room rug.

8. Drink out of ‘magic well’

9. Sleep for 17 hours. Start process over.

(Optional: 10. Roll around in filth and lavish master with kisses.)

Patrick the Bartender

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, orders a drink. As he’s enjoying his drink, the bartender says, “You know, I built this very bar with me bare hands but they don’t call me Patrick the barbuilder”.

The guy just sits enjoying his drink and says, “that’s too bad” in a non-enthusiastic voice. The guy finishes his drink, orders another one and about 5 minutes later the bartender says, “I built these stools with me bare hands but they don’t call me Patrick the Stoolbuilder”.

The guy just shrugs it off again and keeps drinking his drink and about 5 mintutes later the bartender says, “I built this countertop with me bare hands but they don’t call me Patrick the countertopbuilder”.

The guy does the same thing and keeps enjoying his drink. A minute later the bartender says, “But you fuck one sheep.”

Can We Talk?

Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in an airplane. One guy says to the other, “May we talk? … I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, “What would you like to discuss?”

The first guy says, “Oh, I don’t know; how about Nuclear Power?”

The other guy says, “OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first … A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow excretes big patties, and the horse excretes clumps of dried grass … Why is that?”

The first guy says, “Gee, I don’t know.”

The other guy says, “Oh? … Well then, do you really think you’re qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you really don’t know shit?”

talking animals

Two horses start talking to each other and the first one says, “I keep coming last in my race and I’m knackered.”

The next one replies, “Me too I feel like dog food!”

Just then a dog walks by and says, “What your problem is is that you keep on sprinting at the start and you are too tired you should pace yourselves.

Then the 1st horse says, “Bugger me, a talking dog!”

Post Turtle

While suturing a laceration on the hand of a 90-year-old man (he got his hand caught in a gate while working his cattle), a doctor and the old man were talking about George Dubya being in the White House. The old man said, “Well, ya know, Bush is a post turtle.” Not knowing what the old man meant, the doctor asked him what a post turtle was.

The old man said, “When you’re driving down a country road, and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that’s a post turtle. You know he didn’t get there by himself, he doesn’t belong there, he can’t get anything done while he’s up there, and you just want to help the poor dumb thing get down.”

John and Jason Hunting

There are these two hunters, John and Jason. One day John and Jason go hunting at about 3:00 p.m. and at 8:00 p.m. with no luck thus far they decided to go two seperate ways. Jason goes left and John goes right. Jason pulls out beer and starts walking as John starts walking off too. At about ten beers later, Jason has to take a shit so he puts down his beer and pulls down his pants and starts to go … in the middle he passes out. John meanwhile caught a huge deer and decided to bring it back Jason’s way. He find’s Jason about two hours later passed out, So he decides not to wake Jason, but he does gut the deer right there and drag the deer back to the truck. About 1.5 hours later, Jason comes stumbling back to the truck all bloody and smelling rotten and says to John, “You will never believe what happened. I was drinking and I went to shit and passed out and when I got back up, I saw my guts laying all over the ground, but with the love of God and my two fingers, I managed to get them all back where they came from.”