Category: Culture


Americans vs. Frenchmen

A French man is having his petit dejeuner (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when an American man, chewing gum, sits down next to him.

The Frenchman ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

American: “You French folk eat the whole bread?”

Frenchman (in a bad mood): “Of course.”

American: (after blowing a huge bubble) “We don’t. In the States, we only eat what is inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to France.” The American has a smirk on his face.

The Frenchman listens in silence.

The American insists: “D’ya eat jelly with the bread?”

Frenchman: “Of course.”

American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling) “We don’t. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, put all peel, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to France.”

The Frenchman then asks: “And what do you do with condoms once you’ve used them?”

American: “We throw them away, of course.”

Frenchman: “We don’t. In France, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell it to America.”

Signs You Aren’t a Kid Anymore

You can live without sex but not without glasses.

Your back goes out more than you do.

You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

You are proud of your lawn mower.

Your best friend is dating someone half their age … and isn’t breaking any laws.

You sing along with the elevator music.

You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

You enjoy hearing about other people’s operations.

You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

You make an appointment to see the dentist.

You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

Neighbors borrow your tools.

People call at 9 p.m. and ask, “Did I wake you?”

You answer a question with, “Because I said so!”

You send money to PBS.

The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.

You wear black socks with sandals.

You know what the word “equity” means.

You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.

You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

You got cable for the weather channel.

You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.

A Penis

When Charles De Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the British ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in his honor.

At the dinner table the Ambassador’s wife was talking with Madame De Gaulle.

“Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a presence on the French and International scene for so many years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?”

“A penis,” replied Madame De Gaulle.

A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer … and no one knew what to say next.

Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, “Ma cherie, I believe ze English pronounce zat word, ‘appiness!'”

Singing Butt

This fellow wants to be a proctologist, and he wants to be a really good proctologist, so he decides to go down to the morgue after class at medical school and practice a little.

Well, he uncovers the first guy and there is a cork in his butt! He thinks it’s a little strange, so he pulls it and music starts playing! “… On the road again, just can’t wait to get on the road again …”

Our student really freaks out! He runs and gets the morgue attendant and drags the poor guy back to the table.

“Look!” he says, and pulls the cork out again, “… On the road again …”

The morgue attendant is totally unimpressed…”So what?” he says.

“Isn’t that the most amazing thing you’ve ever seen?”, the guy asked.

“Are you kidding?” says the morgue attendant, “Any asshole can sing country music!”

Daughters

An Englishman a Scotsman and an Irishman were chatting about their teenage daughters one day when the Englishman says, “I was cleaning my daughter’s room the other day and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as i didn’t even know that she smoked.”

The Scotsman says, “Thats nothing to worry about, the other day I was in my daughter’s room when I found a bottle of vodka. I was horrified as I didn’t even know that she drank at all.”

The Irishman says, “Thats nothing, you two have nothing to worry about at all. The other day I was in my daughter’s room and I found a packet of condoms. I was disgusted as I didn’t even know she had a penis.”

Tribal Wisdom

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from one generation to the next, says that when you discover you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in modern business, because of the heavy investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Threatening the horse with termination.

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

7. Appointing an intervention team to reanimate the dead horse.

8. Creating a training session to increase the riders load share.

9. Reclassifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

10. Change the form so that it reads: “This horse is not dead.”

11. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed.

13. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby deducting its full original cost.

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horses performance.

15. Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity.

16. Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses run faster.

17. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and therefore performs better.

18. Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for dead horses.

19. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for horses.

20. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

Slick Dick

Three guys walked into a bar, one was Chinese, one was black, and one was white. There was a really hot lady in the bar and the men were amazed. The lady said, “If one of you men can survive a night of sex with me, I’ll marry you and have your children.” The men say, “OK.”

That night the black guy has sex with her and he dies, due to some weird STD that kills instantly. The next night the white man dies due to the same STD. The next night the chinese man lives.

The lady asks, “How did you live?” The Chinese man replies, ” Me chinese, me be slick, me put condom on my dick.”

St. Patrick

Three English men were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. One guy said he was going to piss him off. He walked over to the Irishman and tapped him on the shoulder. “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a fa**ot.”

“Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that.”

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. “I told him St. Patrick was a fa**ot and he didn’t care!”

“You just don’t know how to set him off, watch and learn.” The second Englishman walked over and tapped the Irishman on the shoulder. “I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite fa**ot!”

“Oh, wow, I didn’t know that, thank you.”

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. “You’re right. He is unshakable!”

The third Englishman said, “No, no, no, I will really piss him off, you just watch.”

The Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “I hear your St. Patrick was an Englishman!”

“Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me.”