Category: Culture


Hickbonics

The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the seemingly endless taxpayer dollars pipelined through Washington by designating Southern slang, or “Hickbonics,” as a language to be taught in all Southern schools. A speaker of this language would be a Hickophone. The following are excerpts from the Hickbonics/English dictionary:

HEIDI – (noun) – Greeting.

HIRE YEW – Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting.
Usage: Heidi, Hire yew?”

BARD – (verb) – Past tense of the infinitive “to borrow.”
Usage: “My brother bard my pickup truck.”

JAWJUH – (noun) – The State north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck.”

BAMMER – (noun) – The State west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.
Usage: “A tornader jes went through Bammer an’ left $20,000,000 in improvements.”

MUNTS – (noun) – A calendar division.
Usage: “My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I ain’t herd from him in munts.”

THANK – (verb) – Ability to cognitively process.
Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

BARE – (noun) – An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.
Usage: “Ah thank ah’ll have a bare.”

IGNERT – (adjective) – Not smart. See “Arkansas native.”
Usage: “Them bammer boys sure are ignert!”

RANCH – (noun) – A tool used for tight’nin’ bolts.
Usage: “I thank I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago.”

ALL – (noun) – A petroleum-based lubricant.
Usage: “I sure hope my brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck.”

FAR – (noun) – A conflagration.
Usage: “If my brother from Jawjuh don’t change the all in my pickup truck, that thing’s gonna catch far.”

TAR – (noun) – A rubber wheel.
Usage: “Gee, I hope that brother of mine from Jawjuh don’t git a flat tar in my pickup truck.”

TIRE – (noun) – A tall monument.
Usage: “Lord willin’ and the creek don’t rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime.”

RETARD – (verb) – To stop working.
Usage: “My grampaw retard at age 65.”

FAT – (noun), (verb) – a battle or combat; to engage in battle or combat.
Usage: “You younguns keep fat’n, n’ ah’m gonna whup y’uh.”

RATS – (noun) – Entitled power or privilege.
Usage: “We Southerners are willin’ to fat for are rats.”

FARN – (adjective) – Not domestic.
Usage: “I cuddint unnerstand a wurd he sed … must be from some farn country.”

DID – (adjective) – Not alive.
Usage: “He’s did, Jim.”

EAR – (noun) – A colourless, odourless gas: Oxygen.
Usage: “He cain’t breathe … give ‘im some ear!”

BOB WAR – (noun) – A sharp, twisted cable.
Usage: “Boy, stay away from that bob war fence.”

JEW HERE – (noun) and (verb) contraction.
Usage: “Jew here that my brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump’ny?”

HAZE – a contraction.
Usage: “Is Bubba smart?” “Nah … haze ignert. He ain’t thanked but a minnit’n ‘is laf.”

SEED – (verb) – past tense of “to see”.
VIEW – contraction: (verb) and pronoun.
Usage: “I ain’t never seed New York City … view?”

GUBMINT – (noun) – A bureau.
Usage: “Them gubmint boys shore is ignert.

You Know You’re Trailer Trash If

1. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

2. You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

3. You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

4. You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a different night.

5. Jack Daniel’s makes your list of “most admired people.”

6. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

7. Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, “Hey watch this.”

8. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

9. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

10. Your junior prom had a daycare.

11. You think the last words of the Star Spangled Banner are, “Gentlemen start your engines.”

12. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.

14. The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas is in it.

15. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.

16. One of your kids was born on a pool table.

17. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

18. You can’t get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.

19. You think loading a dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

20. Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

21. Your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.

Different Outlooks

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden. “Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be British.”

“Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.”

“No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are Russian.”

The Artist

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.

“I have good news and bad news,” the owner replied. “The good news is that a gentleman enquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”

“That’s wonderful!” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”

“The guy was your doctor.”

Cell Phones

An American, a German and a Japanese guy are golfing one day and, at the 3rd hole, they hear a phone ring. The American excuses himself, puts his left thumb to his ear, his left baby finger to his mouth and proceeds to have a telephone conversation. When he is done, he looks at the other two and says, “Oh, that’s the latest American technology in cell phones. I have a chip in my thumb and one in my baby finger and the antenna is in my hat. Great stuff eh?”

They continue golfing until the 9th hole when, again, they hear a phone ring. The German tilts his head to one side and proceeds to have a conversation with someone in German. When he finishes, he explains to the other two that he has the latest in German technology cell phones. “A chip in my tooth, a chip in my ear and the antenna is inserted in my spine. Ah the wonders of German know-how!”

At the 13th hole, a phone rings again and upon hearing it, the Japanese fellow disappears into some nearby bushes. The German and the American look at each other and then walk over and peer into the bushes. In the middle of the bushes is the Japanese fellow, squatting with his pants down around his ankles. “What on earth are you doing?!” asks the American.

The Japanese fellow looks up and replies “Waiting for a fax.”

Ghandi

Mahatma Ghandi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard. He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail. Furthermore, due to his diet, he ended up with very bad breath.

Taking all these things together, he became widely known in India as a: “Super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.”

Saddam and Clinton

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for talks on sanctions. When Bill sits down he notices Saddam’s chair has three buttons on the armrest.

They begin talking but after 5 minutes Saddam presses a button and a boxing gloves pops out of Clinton’s chair and bashes him on his face.

Clinton, barely believing it, carries on talking but after another few minutes Saddam presses a second button and out comes a large boot and kicks him in the groin.

Clinton is pissed off but still remains outwardly calm. They resume the talk, but after 5 minutes Saddam presses the final button, and from under the table another boxing glove hits Clinton, right in the groin.

Clinton is really fed up by it now and stands up to leave. “We’ll continue this talk next week in the White House” says the President.

Saddam, choking from laughing, is too proud to say no, so the appointment stands.

A week later Clinton receives Saddam in the Oval Office, and as Saddam sits down, he sees three buttons in the arm-rest of Clinton’s chair.

As the meeting goes on, Saddam sees Clinton press the first button, and ducks really fast, but nothing seems to happen. This doesn’t stop Clinton from laughing … really loudly.

After this, Clinton continues where he left off, until he presses another button. Saddam reacts really quickly, and jumps up. Absolutely nothing happens, and this time Clinton falls out of his chair laughing.

Saddam doesn’t get it – what the hell is happening here? But he hasn’t been harmed yet, so he sits down again to talk further. After a few minutes Clinton presses the final button. This time, Saddam stays sitting, but Clinton isn’t, he’s rolling on the floor, doubled up from laughing.

Saddam is really annoyed by now, so he stands up from his chair and shouts: “I’ve had enough of this, I’m going back to Baghdad”

(Through tears of laughter from the floor) – “Baghdad? … What Baghdad?

Japanese Banking

Recent reports indicate the Japanese banking crisis shows no signs of improving. If anything, it’s getting worse.

Following last week’s news that Origami Bank had folded, it was today learned that Sumo Bank has gone belly up. Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale and is going for a song.

Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived and 500 jobs at Karate Bank will be chopped. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.