Category: Relationships


I’m a Lesbian

There was a drunk sitting in a local tavern when a drop dead gorgeous lady walked in and sat the other end of the bar from him. He said to the bartender, “Give that babe a drink on me.”

The bartender replied, “Sure, but don’t count on anything from it, she happens to be a lesbian.”

Being too drunk to even think straight, the guy decided to strike up a conversation with the lady and, approaching her stated, “I hear you are from lesbia. Correcting him she told him there was no such place and that she was a lesbian.

Unable to make him understand that it was a lifestyle, she offered an example. “Do you see that young lady in the corner?”

“Yes,” he says.

“What I would like to do to her is to take her home, remove her shirt, fondle her lovely breasts and then make love to her all night.”

With this, the drunk broke down and started to cry.
“What is the matter?” She asked.

The drunk said through his tears, “I think I am a lesbian too.”

Cigarettes for the Wife

A man’s wife asked him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walked down to the store only to find it closed.

He went into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he saw a beautiful woman and started talking to her. I mean she was a knock out. She looked a lot like Karyn, she was tall, radiant, and very funny. Well, so they had a couple of beers, one thing lead to another and before too long, they ended up in her apartment. I mean how could he resist such a women.

They had the most incredible, most sensual sexual experience. It was amazing. After they’d had made love for hours, the man realized it was 3:00 a.m. and said, “Oh no … its so late, my wife’s going to kill me! Have you got any talcum powder?”

She thought to herself, talcum powder, what does he want with that? But she gave him some anyway, which he proceeded to rub on his hands and then he went home.

When he got home, his wife was waiting for him in the doorway, and boy was she ever mad.

“Where the hell have you been?” she yelled at him.

“Well, honey, its like this. Honey, you know I love you, I can’t lie to you. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to get you cigarettes out of the vending machine.

While I was there, I met this most amazing women. She was so beautiful and well we had a few drinks, and then one thing led to another and I ended going back to her place, and honey, I’m sorry …

I’ve been unfaithful to you. I went to bed with another women”

“Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!” exclaimed his wife. She saw his hands covered with talcum powder and she said, “You damn liar!!! You went bowling again, didn’t you!!”

Love

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was, and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you either married it or gave birth to it.

$80,000 Mortgage

One day little Johnny went to his father, and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny’s father said, “Johnny, we have a $80,000 mortgage on the house, and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas.”

Christmas came around, and Johnny asked again. The father said, “Well, the mortgage is still extremely high, sorry about that. Ask me again some other time.”

Well, about two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all his belongings in a suitcase. The father asked him why he was leaving. The boy said, “Yesterday I was walking past your room, and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too, and DAMN if I’ll get stuck with an $80,000 mortgage!”

Sex for the Parrot

A woman also had a parrot who was constantly squawking profanity. She consulted a veterinarian, who said that the parrot probably just needed sex, and that he had a female parrot he would rent to the woman for $500.

It was a lot of money, but finally the woman paid. She put the female parrot in her parrot’s cage, and pulled a cover over the cage. Moments later she heard screeching from the cage, and rushed back to find that her bird had the female pinned to the bottom of the cage and was plucking her feathers.

“For five hundred dollars!” shouted the male parrot, “I want you NAKED! NAKED!!!”

Board with a Hole

These two guys had each just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, “Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year.” The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole. The guys said “What’s that board for?” The trader said, “Well, where you’re going there are no women and you might need this.”

They said “No way! We’ve sworn off women for life!” The trader said, “Well, take the boards with you, and if you don’t use them I’ll refund your money next year. “Okay” they said and left.

Next year this guy came into the trader’s store and said “Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year.” The trader said “Weren’t you in here last year with a partner?”

“Yeah” said the guy.

“Where is he?” asked the trader.

“I shot him” said the guy.

“Why?”

“I caught him in bed with my board.”

Homeless Girl

An elderly gentleman came home one night to find a homeless girl of about seventeen ransacking the place. He grabbed her by the arm and was just about to call the police when the girl dropped down on her knees and pleaded, “Please don’t call the police, mister, oh please! If you don’t, I’ll let you make love to me and do whatever you want with my body!”

The old man thought for a moment and decided to give in. Soon they were naked and in bed together. The old man tried hard and tried hard, but finally, he rolls over, exhausted, and embarrassed.

“I’m sorry, young lady … but it’s no use,” he gasped. “I’m afraid I’m going to have to call the police after all.”

Gas and Free Sex

A man is driving down the freeway when he sees a sign that says; “Get gas and free sex here.” Obviously the guy was interested, so he stopped, filled up went inside to pay.

“Pick a number from 1-10 to get free sex,” said the cashier.

“Uh, okay, three!” the man replied.

“Nope! Sorry, better luck next time.”

So the guy drove around for weeks always getting gas at the same place, because he wanted his free sex. One day he was really ticked:

“This has got to be rigged! I have NEVER gotten the number to have free sex!” He screamed.

“Oh no! It’s not rigged, just ask your wife, she won three times last week alone!”