Category: Relationships


The Sex Auction

A wife woke up from her night’s sleep and began recounting her dream to her husband. “I dreamt they were auctioning off penises in this place,” she began, “the big ones went for a $10 and the thick ones went for $20.”

“How about the ones like mine?” asked her husband.

“Those they gave away as free samples,” she replied tongue in cheek.

“I had a dream too.” started the husband. “I dreamt they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for $1000 and the little tight ones went for double that!”

“And how much for the ones like mine?” Enquired the wife to her husband.

“That’s where they held the auction” he replied.

Improved Sex Life

Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with self hypnosis. And, to her joy, everything got much better.

However, she could not help but notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes. This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him.

There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique: “She’s not my wife … She’s not my wife … She’s not my wife …”

Bathroom Sex

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, “I gotta have you!”

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.

When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, “That was the best, honey. You’ve never moved like that before, you didn’t hurt yourself did you?”

His wife said, “No, no. I’ll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass.”

Cream of Weight

A guy walks into a bar and orders three whiskey sours, drinks them down BAM! BAM! BAM! Then he orders three more. The bartender’s having a slow night and appreciates the business, but is also concerned.

“Hey buddy, slow down. What seems to be the problem?”

The guy answers, “I went on a week-long business trip, and had to leave my wife alone. I’ve had my suspicions about our next-door neighbor, so I hung a weight from the bottom of the bedspring just above a bowl of cream.”

The bartender nods sympathetically and pours the guy another. “So you came home and found cream on the weight?”

The guy downs his fourth whiskey sour and says, “It’s worse than that. The cream had been churned into butter.”

No Bull

One day on a ranch, a cowboy Dad looks at his daughter up and down as usual to check up on her body. He notices how her feet pointed in and at how she couldn’t walk regular any more. Then it comes to his understanding she’d probably lost her virginity.

The father asks his daughter sternly. She replies “Yes” to losing it. The father madly asks, “Who was it?!! Timmy, John, Greg, or that screwed up child Andy?!!! I don’t want you to give me any bull sh*t either.”

The daughter looks into his eyes and says sofly,”I lost it while riding the mechanical bull. And that’s no bull.”

Furniture Business

My cousin Moishe owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses in Miami, a furniture store. I convinced him that he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the merchandise himself, and because he was still single, he could check out all the hot Italian women, and maybe get lucky.

As Moishe was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady … she only spoke Italian and he only spoke English, so neither understood a word the other spoke.

He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi.

She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park.

Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner.

After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening.

It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed.

Moishe was dumbfounded, and to this day remarks to me that he’s never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.

Holiday Note

From Brawley friends, Teresa and Van

For Christmas this year, my wife purchased a week of private lessons at the local health club for me. Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Tawny, who identified herself as a 26-year old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My wife seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started. The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

MONDAY

Started my day at 6:00 AM. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Tawny waiting for me. (She is something of a goddess with blond hair, dancing eyes, incredibly perky breasts, and a dazzling white smile. WOO HOO!!!)

Tawny gave me a tour and showed me the machines. She took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. She was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to her in her aerobic outfit. (I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she conducted her aerobics class after my own workout today. Very inspiring.) Tawny was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!!

TUESDAY

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out of the door. Tawny made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air … then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Tawny’s rewarding smile made it all worth while. I feel GREAT!!!

It’s a whole new life for me.

WEDNESDAY

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn’t try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a Geo in the club lot. Tawny was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered the other club members. (Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning, and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.)

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Tawny put me on the stair monster. (Why in HELL would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?) Tawny told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other shit too.

THURSDAY

Tawny was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. (I couldn’t help being a half hour late. It took that long for me to tie my damn shoes.) Tawny took me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid in the men’s room. She sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine … which I sank.

FRIDAY

I hate that BITCH Tawny more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. (Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader wannabe BITCH.) If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.

Tawny wanted me to work on my triceps. I don’t have any triceps! And if you don’t want dents in the floor, don’t hand me damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi Bitch). The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and P.E. teacher. Why couldn’t it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

SATURDAY

Tawny left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength even to use the TV remote and ended up watching eleven straight hours of the damn weather channel.

SUNDAY

I’m having the church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank God that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my wife will choose a gift for me that is fun … like a root canal or a vasectomy!

Saying, “I Love You”

Impress your sweetie. Try saying “I love you” in a different language each morning:

Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo

French . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Je t’aime

German . . . . . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich

Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai Shite Imasu

Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo

Chinese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Ni

Swedish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jag Alskar

Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Kansas, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Georgia, Tennessee, Texas, Mississippi, Arizona, and Kentucky . . . Nice Tits

Learning About Life

The teenager was developing rapidly, so her mother thought it about time that she understood the facts of life.

“Liza,” she began, “I think it would be nice if we had a little chat about how life is formed. As you know, a baby grows in a lady’s tummy and…”

“It might be interesting to hear you tell it, Mom,” interrupted the daughter, “but what I really want to know is how to fake an orgasm.”