Showering

How to shower like a woman

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror- make a mental note to do more sit-ups.

4. Get in the shower. Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah, and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.

6. Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.

7. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced with natural avocado oil. Leave in hair for 15
minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.

9. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner out of hair.

11. Shave armpits and legs

12. Turn off shower

13. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

14. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.

15. Check entire body for zits, tweeze hairs.

16. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

17. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like a Man

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the ‘woo-woo’ sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Wash your face

6. Wash your armpits

7. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off.

8. Make fart noises (real or artificial) and laugh at how loud they sound in the shower.

9. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap.

11. Shampoo your hair.

12. Make a Shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pee.

14. Rinse off and get out of shower.

15. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time.

16. Admire wiener size in mirror again.

17. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on.

18. Return to bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass wife,pull off towel, shake wiener at her and
make the ‘woo-woo’ sound again.

19. Throw wet towel on bed.

Who Named You?

A guy is talking to a girl in a bar.
He says, “What’s your name?”
She says, “Carmen.”
He says, “That’s a nice name. Who named you, your mother?”
She replies, “No, I named myself.”
He says, “Why Carmen?”
She says, “Because I like cars and I like men. What’s your name?”

He replies, “Beerfuck.”

3 pieces of Stringaa

3 pieces of String decided one evening,to go to a bar for a Drink. Two found a seat, and one walked up to the bar, and asked the barman for a pint of Bitter. “Im not serving you!” the barman replied, “you’re a piece of string!” So the string went back to his friends and told them how he couldn’t get served. The second piece of string said he’d try, and would be really polite in order to get served. So,he walks to the bar, and says “Lovely pub you’ve got here, nice location, ill have a pint of Bitter please mate.” The barman again, replies: “im not serving you, your a piece of string!” So, the third piece of string,decides to disguise himself in an atempt to get served. He ripps himself up, and generally makes himself look a mess, and walks over to the bar. “Ill have a pint of Bitter please mate” the string says to the barman. So the barman replies, “Hey, your a peice of string arn’t you?” And the string replies “Im affraid not!” (A frayed knot)

Cowboy in the Desert

A modern-day cowboy has spent many days crossing the desert without water.

His horse has already died of thirst.

He’s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden, he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.

He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case.

He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie.

She is wearing an Internal Revenue Service ID badge and a dull gray dress.

There’s a calculator in her pocketbook. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

“Well, cowboy,” says the genie … “You know how I work. You have three wishes.”

“I’m not falling for this.” Says the man. “I’m not going to trust an IRS auditor genie.”

“What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it looks like you’re a goner anyway!”

The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.

“OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.”

*** POOF ***

The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

“OK, cowpoke, what’s your second wish.”

“My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams.”

*** POOF ***

The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

“OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!”

After thinking for a few minutes, the man says, “I wish that no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.”

*** POOF ***

He is turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story:

If the government offers you anything, there’s going to be a string attached.

The Farmer and the Lawyer

A bigshot city lawyer and an old country farmer got into a car wreck. They both got out of their cars to survey the damage, and the farmer realized he was at fault.

After looking over the impeccably dressed and dignified lawyer in his $2,000 suit, silk tie, starched white shirt and polished wingtip shoes, the farmer walked back to his car, got out a bottle, and brought it back. He handed it to the lawyer, and said, “Here, you look pretty shook up. I think you ought to take a nip of this; it

Patrick the Bartender

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, orders a drink. As he’s enjoying his drink, the bartender says, “You know, I built this very bar with me bare hands but they don’t call me Patrick the barbuilder”.

The guy just sits enjoying his drink and says, “that’s too bad” in a non-enthusiastic voice. The guy finishes his drink, orders another one and about 5 minutes later the bartender says, “I built these stools with me bare hands but they don’t call me Patrick the Stoolbuilder”.

The guy just shrugs it off again and keeps drinking his drink and about 5 mintutes later the bartender says, “I built this countertop with me bare hands but they don’t call me Patrick the countertopbuilder”.

The guy does the same thing and keeps enjoying his drink. A minute later the bartender says, “But you fuck one sheep.”

Marketing Analogies

For all the ladies who have asked, “What is marketing?”, the following analogies will help clear it up…

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.”
– That’s Direct Marketing.

You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, “She’s fantastic in bed.”
– That’s Advertising.

You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.”
– That’s Telemarketing.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, “May I,” and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.”
– That’s Public Relations.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.”
– That’s Brand Recognition.

You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
– That’s a Sales Rep.

Your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you.
– That’s Tech Support.

You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, “I’m fantastic in bed!”
– That’s Spam.