Computer Gender

A language instructor was explaining to her class that French nouns, unlike their English counterparts, are grammatically designated as masculine or feminine. Things like ‘chalk’ or ‘pencil,’ she described, would have a gender association although in English these words were neutral.

Puzzled, one student raised his hand and asked, “What gender is a computer”?

The teacher wasn’t certain which it was, and so divided the class into two groups and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. One group was comprised of the women in the class, and the other, of men. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they ARE the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Beach Learning

A mother and father took their six year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had breasts bigger than his mother’s, and asked her why.

She told her son, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger members than his dad.

His mother replied, “The bigger they are the dumber the person is.”

Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play.

Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, “Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.”

Rope

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding, they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks, “What are they doing, honey?” The husband answers, “They’re roping!” She replies, “Oh, I see!” After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, “What are they doing, honey?” The husband answers, “They’re roping!” She replies, “Oh, I see!” Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they started to explore each other’s body. The bride discovers her husband’s penis. “What is that?” she asks. “That’s my rope,” he answers. She slides her hands down further and gasps, “What are those?” she asks. “They’re my knots,” he answers. Finally the couple begins to make love. After several minutes the bride says, “Stop honey, wait a minute! Her husband asks, “What’s the matter honey, am I hurting you? “No,” the bride replies, “undo those knots. I need more rope!”

Super Bowl Sunday

A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He’s closer to the Goodyear Blimp than he is to the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?”

The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?”

The man replies, “well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.

This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together at since we got married in 1967.”

“Well, that’s really sad,” said Joe, “but still, you couldn’t find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?”

“No,” the man replies, “they’re all at the funeral.”

Serving the Public

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at two in the morning.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, “Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I’ve got a splitting headache.”

“Certainly, honey,” he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, “Say,” said the pharmacist, “I know you – aren’t you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?”

“Yeah, sure. So?” said the officer.

“Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?”

Nuts

A doctor at an (insane) asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up, nuts!” And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, “Down, Nuts!” And they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, “Cheer, nuts!” And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, “Well … everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!”

Advanced Baby Talk

A baby was born so advanced he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the Doctor. “Are you my Doctor?” he asked. “Yes,I am.” the Doctor replied. The baby said “Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth.”

He looked at his mother and asked, “Are you my mother?” “Yes I am.”She said. “Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born.” he said.

He then looked at his father and asked “Are you my father?” “Yes I am.” his father answered. The baby motioned him close. Then the baby poked him on the forehead with his index finger five times saying, “I want you to know that THAT HURTS!”