Super Bowl Sunday

A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium. He’s closer to the Goodyear Blimp than he is to the field.

About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, “Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?”

The man says no.

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, “This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?”

The man replies, “well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away.

This is the first Super Bowl we haven’t been together at since we got married in 1967.”

“Well, that’s really sad,” said Joe, “but still, you couldn’t find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?”

“No,” the man replies, “they’re all at the funeral.”

Serving the Public

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at two in the morning.

Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, “Honey, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I’ve got a splitting headache.”

“Certainly, honey,” he said. Feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, “Say,” said the pharmacist, “I know you – aren’t you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?”

“Yeah, sure. So?” said the officer.

“Well what the heck are you doing all dressed up like the Fire Chief?”

Nuts

A doctor at an (insane) asylum, decided to take his inmates to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything seemed to be going well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up, nuts!” And the inmates complied by standing up. After the anthem he yelled, “Down, Nuts!” And they all sat.

After a home run he yelled, “Cheer, nuts!” And they all broke into applause and cheers.

Thinking things were going very well, he decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge.

When he returned there was a riot in progress. Finding his assistant, he asked what happened. The assistant replied, “Well … everything was fine until some guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!”

Advanced Baby Talk

A baby was born so advanced he could talk. He looked around the delivery room and saw the Doctor. “Are you my Doctor?” he asked. “Yes,I am.” the Doctor replied. The baby said “Thank you for taking such good care of me during birth.”

He looked at his mother and asked, “Are you my mother?” “Yes I am.”She said. “Thank you for taking such good care of me before I was born.” he said.

He then looked at his father and asked “Are you my father?” “Yes I am.” his father answered. The baby motioned him close. Then the baby poked him on the forehead with his index finger five times saying, “I want you to know that THAT HURTS!”

Tragic Humor

You gotta love people who can turn a tragedy into at least a little humor.

After the May 3rd tornado, many Oklahoma City residents have tried to deal with their loss through humor. Many home owners have spray painted their homes or put up signs claiming:

“For Sale: Fixer Upper” or “OPEN HOUSE.”

However, the best one comes from a man in Moore who, before President Clinton’s visit, put a sign in his yard saying:

“HEY BILL, HOW’S THIS FOR A BLOW JOB?”

Unfortunately, the Secret Service asked him to remove it since there was so much media coverage.

Wal-Mart Announcement

I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages,

e.g. “I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter.”

One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the following message: (I kid you not)

“I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance.”

Who’s Who

One morning, a mailman called on one of his regular customers and was surprised to see a white bed sheet with a hole in the middle hanging up in her living room. The housewife explained that she’d had a party the night before, they had played a game called “Who’s Who,” in which each of the men had put their “equipment” through the hole and the women had tried to guess their identity.

“Gee, that sounds like fun,” said the mailman. “Sure wish I’d been there.”

“You should have been,” the housewife informed him. “Your name came up three times.”

T-Shirts for Women Who Take No Crap

1- I’m busy. You’re ugly. Have a nice day.

2- Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it.

3- Remember my name – you’ll be screaming it later.

4- Of course I don’t look busy. I did it right the first time.

5- Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths?

6- I’m multi-talented: I can talk and piss you off at the same time.

7- Do NOT start with me. You will NOT win.

8- You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP.

9- Don’t piss me off! I’m running out of places to hide the bodies.

10- Guys have feelings too. But like … who cares?

11- I don’t believe in miracles. I rely on them.

12- Next mood swing: 6 minutes.

13- I hate everybody, and you’re next.

14- Please don’t make me kill you.

15- And your point is …

16- I used to be schizophrenic, but we’re OK now.

17- All stressed out and no one to choke.

18- I’m one of those bad things that happen to good people.

19- How can I miss you if you won’t go away?

20- Sorry if I looked interested. I’m not.

Flash Cards

A fifth grade teacher is told she must teach sex education to her class. She decides to use a math technique to teach the subject, and thinks flash cards will work well.

The next day in class, she holds up the first flash card, a picture of a breast, and asks “Does anyone know what this is?”

Sandy responds, “I know, I know! It’s a picture of a breast and my Mommy has two of them!”

The teacher says, “Very good Sandy, you get a star.”

The teacher grabs the next card and holds it up. It’s a picture of a penis. She asks, “Does anyone know what this is?”

Little Tommy says, “I know, I know! It’s a penis and my Daddy has two of them!!”

The teacher says, “Well, Tommy, it is a penis, but your daddy can’t have two of them.”

Tommy says, “Yes he does! He’s got a little one that he pisses out of, and a great big one that he brushes the babysitter’s teeth with!”