Getting Weighed

On their first date, Adam took Diana to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Diana replied, “Get weighed.” So Adam took her to the man with the scale who guesses your weight. He looked at Diana and said, “One hundred and twenty pounds.” Since Diana weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.

Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Adam asked Diana what she wanted to do next. “Get weighed,” she said. So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Diana’s weight correctly. Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Adam asked Diana what she wanted to do next. “I want to get weighed!” she said again.

Now Adam began to think this girl was insane, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake. Diana’s roommate was waiting up for her return and asked how the evening went.

“Wousy!” Diana replied.

Southern California

Top 10 signs you live in Southern California:

10) Your co-worker tells you he/she has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

9) You make over $250,000 and still can’t afford a house.

8) Your child’s 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.

7) A really great parking space can move you to tears.

6) A low-speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.

5) You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits, a fab exercise facility, and tofu takeout.

4) Your best friends just named their twins after her acting coach and his personal trainer.

3) It’s sprinkling and there’s a report on every news station about “STORM WATCH ’99.”

2) The three-hour traffic jam you just sat through wasn’t caused by a horrific 9 car pile-up, but by everyone slowing to rubberneck at a lost shoe laying on the shoulder.

1) You can’t remember … is pot illegal?

Beer Turns Men into Women

Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.

To test the finding, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.

Egg Timer

Mark: “You know Joe, I made love to my wife last night for the first time in two months!”

Joe: “Two months?! That’s a long time! I’m really glad to hear that things are better for you and your wife.”

Mark: “Well … actually we almost made love.”

Joe: “ALMOST?! How can you ALMOST make love?”

Mark: “Well, I found out afterwards that my wife was just using me to time an egg.”

Living to 100

A man asked his doctor if he thought he’d live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, “Do you smoke or drink?”

“No,” he replied, “I’ve never done either.”

“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?” inquired the doctor.

“No, I’ve never done any of those things either.”

“Well then,” said the doctor, “what do you want to live to be a hundred for?”

Country Love

A young, lonely guy driving across the country decided to pick up a stunning, blonde hitchhiker.

A few miles into the trek, the blonde started coming onto him, so needless to say, he pulled over to the side of the desolate, deserted road so she could give him some oral pleasure.

Once his pants were down to his ankles, the blonde surprised him with a gun and bound his wrists to his ankles. Then, she robbed him of his wallet and clothes, and drove off with his car.

Once she was out of sight, the man struggled to his feet and began hopping alongside the road in a desperate attempt to get something’s help. A short time later, a trucker pulled up alongside the troubled man.

“What happened to you?” asked the trucker, with a grin.

The man explained his plight…

The trucker stepped down from his truck, and as he unzipped his pants he remarked, “This just ain’t been your day, has it boy!”

Greater Los Angeles Area Driver’s License Application

Name:______________ Stage name:________________

Agent:______________ Attorney:__________________

Sex: ___Male ___Female ___Formerly Male ___Formerly Female

If female, indicate breast implant size: ____

Will the size of your implants hinder your ability to safely operate a motor vehicle in any way? Yes___ No ___

Please list brand of cell phone: __________________.
(If you don’t own a cell phone, please explain.)

Please check hair color:

Females: [ ] Blonde [ ] Platinum Blonde
Teenagers: [ ] Purple [ ] Blue [ ] Skinhead

Please check activities you perform while driving: (Check all that apply)

[ ] Eating
[ ] Applying make-up
[ ] Talking on the phone
[ ] Slapping kids in the backseat
[ ] Having sex
[ ] Applying cellulite treatment to thighs
[ ] Tanning
[X] Snorting cocaine (already checked for ease of application)
[ ] Watching TV
[ ] Reading Variety
[ ] Surfing the net via laptop

Please indicate how many times:
a) you expect to shoot at other drivers, and
b) how many times you expect to be shot at while driving.

TEST

If you are the victim of a car jacking, you should immediately:
a) Call the police to report the crime;
b) Call Channel 4 News to report the crime, then watch your car on the news on a high-speed chase;
c) Call your attorney and discuss lawsuit against cellular phone company for 911 call not going through;
d) Call your therapist;
e) None of the above (South Central residents only).

In the event of an earthquake, should you:
a) stop your car,
b) keep driving and hope for the best,
c) immediately use your cell phone to call all loved ones, or
d) pull out your video camera and obtain footage for Channel 4?

In the instance of rain, you should:
a) never drive over 5 MPH,
b) drive twice as fast as usual, or
c) you’re not sure what “rain” is.

Please indicate number of therapy sessions per week: ____.

Are you presently taking any of the following medications?
a) Prozac;
b) Zovirax;
c) Lithium;
d) Zanax;
e) Valium.

If none, please explain: __________________.

Length of daily commute:
a) 1 hour;
b) 2 hours;
c) 3 hours;
d) 4 hours or more.

When stopped by police, should you
a) pull over and have your driver’s license and insurance form ready,
b) try to outrun them by driving the wrong way on the 405,
c) have your video camera ready and provoke them to attack, thus ensuring yourself of a hefty lawsuit?

********************
Please turn in your test to the lady behind the bullet-proof
window on your left.

Butt Prints in the Sand

One night I had a wondrous dream,
One set of footprints there was seen,
The footprints of God they were,
But mine were not along the shore.

But then some stranger prints appeared,
and I asked Him, “What have we here?
These prints are large and round and neat,
But much too big to be from feet.”

“My child,” He said in somber tones,
“For miles I carried you alone.
I challenged you to walk in faith,
But you refused and made me wait.”

“You would not learn, you would not grow,
The walk of faith, you would not know,
So I got tired, I got fed up,
And there I dropped you on your butt.

“Because in life, there comes a time
When one must fight, and one must climb,
When one must rise and take a stand,
Or leave their butt prints in the sand.”

Stranded for 10 Years

A guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck on the horizon. He thinks to himself, “It’s not a ship.” The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he thinks, “It’s not a raft.” Then, out of the surf comes a gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”

“Ten years!”, he says.

She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes.

He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, “Man, oh man! Is that good!”

Then she asks, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink of whiskey?”

He replies, “Ten years!”

She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him.

He takes a long swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, “And how long has it been since you’ve had some REAL fun?”

And the man replies, “My God! Don’t tell me that you’ve got golf clubs in there!”

A Place to Spend the Night

A traveling salesman whose car became hopelessly stuck in a snow bank during a recent blizzard in North Dakota. It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, but frozen half to death, he finally reached the front door and knocked on it. A grizzled old farmer answered, and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night.

“Why sure young fella, I can give ya a place to bunk.” said the hospitable old man. “But I ain’t got no daughter for ya to sleep with, like ya always hear about in them thar jokes.”

“Oh!” said the salesman, “Just how far is it to the next house?”