Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library, the Jimmy Carter Library, the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Blonde’s Nursery Rhyme
Q: What’s a blonde’s favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Thick Fingers
Q: What would you call a lesbian with thick fingers?
A: Well hung.
What The Doctor Says, And What He Means
“This should be taken care of right away.”
I’d planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
“Let me check your medical history.”
I want to see if you’ve paid your last bill before spending anymore time with you.
“Why don’t we make another appointment later in the week.”
I’m playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time.
—or–
I need the bucks, so I’m charging you for another office visit.
“We have some good news and some bad news.”
The good news is, I’m going to buy that new BMW. The bad news is, you’re going to pay for it.
“Let’s see how it develops.”
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured.
“Let me schedule you for some tests.”
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
“I’d like to have my associate look at you.”
He’s going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
“I’d like to prescribe a new drug.”
I’m writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
“This may smart a little.”
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?”
I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
“This should fix you up.”
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
“Everything seems to be normal.”
Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.
“I’d like to run some more tests.”
I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
“Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?”
You’re crazier’n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who’ll split fees with me …
“There is a lot of that going around.”
My God, that’s the third one this week. I’d better learn something about this.
Blonde Paint
Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It’s not real bright, but it’s cheap, and spreads easy.
A Couple of Jack Daniels …
An irate wife was complaining about her husband spending all his free time in a bar, so one night he took her along with him.
“What’ll you have?” he asked.
“Oh, I don’t know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel’s and threw his down in one shot.
His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out.
“Yuck, that’s TERRIBLE!” she spluttered. “I don’t know how you can drink this stuff!”
“Well, there you go,” cried the husband.
“And you think I’m out enjoying myself every night!”
Getting Weighed
On their first date, Adam took Diana to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Diana replied, “Get weighed.” So Adam took her to the man with the scale who guesses your weight. He looked at Diana and said, “One hundred and twenty pounds.” Since Diana weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.
Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Adam asked Diana what she wanted to do next. “Get weighed,” she said. So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Diana’s weight correctly. Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Adam asked Diana what she wanted to do next. “I want to get weighed!” she said again.
Now Adam began to think this girl was insane, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake. Diana’s roommate was waiting up for her return and asked how the evening went.
“Wousy!” Diana replied.
Southern California
Top 10 signs you live in Southern California:
10) Your co-worker tells you he/she has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
9) You make over $250,000 and still can’t afford a house.
8) Your child’s 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Breeze.
7) A really great parking space can move you to tears.
6) A low-speed police pursuit will interrupt ANY TV broadcast.
5) You assume every company offers domestic partner benefits, a fab exercise facility, and tofu takeout.
4) Your best friends just named their twins after her acting coach and his personal trainer.
3) It’s sprinkling and there’s a report on every news station about “STORM WATCH ’99.”
2) The three-hour traffic jam you just sat through wasn’t caused by a horrific 9 car pile-up, but by everyone slowing to rubberneck at a lost shoe laying on the shoulder.
1) You can’t remember … is pot illegal?
Beer Turns Men into Women
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women.
To test the finding, 100 men were fed six pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn’t drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned.
Egg Timer
Mark: “You know Joe, I made love to my wife last night for the first time in two months!”
Joe: “Two months?! That’s a long time! I’m really glad to hear that things are better for you and your wife.”
Mark: “Well … actually we almost made love.”
Joe: “ALMOST?! How can you ALMOST make love?”
Mark: “Well, I found out afterwards that my wife was just using me to time an egg.”