Thermodynamics Exam

A thermodynamics professor wrote a take home exam for his graduate students. It had one question: “Is hell exothermic or endothermic? Support your answer with proof.”

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

“First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass. If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass. So, at what rate are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving? I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for souls entering hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all people and all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

1. So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in hell, than the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.

So which is it? If we accept the postulate given me by Therese Banyan during our freshman year, and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then # 2 cannot be true, and hell is exothermic.”

What I’ve Learned

I’ve learned – that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I’ve learned – that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I’ve learned – that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I’ve learned – that it’s not what you have in your life but how much you have in your bank accounts.

I’ve learned – that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big dick or huge tits.

I’ve learned – that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others – they are more fucked up than you think.

I’ve learned – that it’s taking me a long time to sleep with the person I want.

I’ve learned – you should always leave loved ones with loving words. You may need to borrow money.

I’ve learned – that you can keep puking long after you think you ‘re finished.

I’ve learned – that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.

I’ve learned – that either you control your attitude or you will be offered medication.

I’ve learned – that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I’ve learned – that heroes are the people who do whoever has to be done when they need to be done, regardless of the morning after.

I’ve learned – that money is a great substitute for character.

I’ve learned – that my best friend and I can do anything except see “Everest” at the museum of science.

I’ve learned – that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones who do.

I’ve learned – that sometimes when I’m angry I have PMS, God helps all in my vicinity.

I’ve learned – that true friendship continues to grow, until you get your stuff back in the mail with no note.

I’ve learned – that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean you can’t take advantage of them when they’re passed out and naked in your bed.

I’ve learned – that maturity is a magazine for old fucks.

I’ve learned – that your family won’t always be there for you. Of course, if you win the lottery, the hag, the philanderer, the screw-up, the missing one and the horse tooth girl will more than be there for “you”.

I’ve learned – that no matter how good a chick is, she’ll only contribute to your alcoholism.

I’ve learned – that no matter how badly your heart is broken therapy is still expensive.

I’ve learned – that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for all lost or stolen articles while on the premises.

I’ve learned – that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t have secret plans to move out.

I’ve learned – that we don’t have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.

I’ve learned – that you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret. It could be Victoria’s.

I’ve learned – that two people can screw the exact same person and compare notes.

I’ve learned – that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

I’ve learned – that overzealous customs agents can change your life in a matter of hours.

I’ve learned – that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the door.

I’ve learned – that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. And all the less important ones just never go away.

I’ve learned – To say “Fuck them if they can’t take a joke” in six languages.

It’s Academic, REALLY

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on

THE REPLY:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad

Hebrew Archaeology Find

A team of archaeologists was excavating in Israel when they came upon a cave. And written on the wall of the cave were the following symbols in order of appearance:

1. A woman
2. A donkey
3. A shovel
4. A fish
5. A Star of David

They decided that this was a unique find and the writings were at least more than three thousand years old. They chopped out the piece of stone and had it brought to the museum where archaeologists from all over the world came to study the ancient symbols. They held a huge meeting after months of conferences to discuss what they could agree was the meaning of the markings. The President of their society stood up and pointed at the first drawing and said, “This looks like a woman. We can judge that this race was family oriented and held women in high esteem. You can also tell they were intelligent, as the next symbol resembles a donkey, so, they were smart enough to have animals help them till the soil. The next drawing looks like a shovel of some sort, which means they even had tools to help them. Even further proof of their high intelligence is the fish, which means that if they had a famine hit the earth, whereby the food didn’t grow, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol appears to be the Star of David, which means they were evidently Hebrews.” The audience applauded enthusiastically and the President smiled and said, “I’m glad to see that you are all in full agreement with our interpretations.”

Suddenly a little old man stood up in the back of the room and said, “I object to every word. The explanation of what the writings say is quite simple. First of all, everyone knows that Hebrews don’t read from left to right, but from right to left … Now, look again … It now says: “‘Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that woman!'”